It’s widely acknowledged that human beings are bad for the planet. We degrade natural habitats. We pollute. We change the climate.
The fewer human beings around, the better it will be for the biosphere. But, how can we accomplish population reduction in a humane manner? Massive slaughter wouldn’t likely be very environmentally friendly in itself.
Researchers at the University of Exeter point the way with a study released today suggesting how people can make fewer babies even as they keep on getting their rocks off.
The study reviewed data in previously completed studies to determine that that men who put smartphones in their pockets produce less mobile sperm than men who keep their pockets phone-free. So, one way to reduce the human population is to encourage guys to carry around their smartphones in their front pockets at all times.
Unfortunately, this fertility suppression app may be undone by a new invention in fashion: Special pockets for smartphones sewn in low on the thigh. I/O Denim has a patent pending for the innovation, which they promise “elimantes the “cell phone bulge'” [sic. really sic]. If they succeed in marketing this low down pocket, we could see a baby boom from which our planet’s biodiversity may never recover.
Guys, be green: Cram that smartphone into that high front pocket now!