For half a decade now, the self-proclaimed prophet Linda Newkirk has been sending us her lamentations and predictions for the future. In 2009, Newkirk declared that the Messiah had been in training to set goat-people free for 42 months and would soon be revealed. In April of 2012, she declared that a massive earthquake and volcano reaping widespread destruction was “imminent” — but it actually turned out that 2012 was a subdued year for volcanic activity. Later that year, Newkirk and Pamela Rae Schuffert engaged in a series of dueling “prophecies” each revealing that the other prophet was false. Third-party prophet Sherry Shriner piled on to declare that both Newkirk and Schuffert were frauds, and that if a body really wanted protection from the forces of Satan, they should buy miracle magnets from her instead (special miracle magnet bargain price: 12 pack for $99!).
Linda Newkirk’s latest prophetic e-mail declaration continues the inter-prophet smackdown, quoting Yahweh’s warning for all who question Newkirk’s genius (Yahweh’s “Beloved One”):
“Woe to you, who assemble against her in numbers and cry “foul.” For, I shall pluck you clean. I shall de-feather you and no longer will you rise up in your abominations to put a foot in the face of My Beloved One, or to put a knife into her back! I am moving forth with My judgements against all, who mock her, against all, who lie against her, against all, who torture her and abuse her and I am going to make your faces bald! I am going to make your heads bald! I am going to make your legs bald! I am going to break your teeth! I am going to wreck your smile!”
You know, that’s not all too bad. Sure, broken teeth hurt, but with a little Propecia we’ll have a full head of hair again soon, and we won’t have to worry about shaving elsewhere. For every few cents we save on razors and Nair, we can buy more Tootsie Rolls.
Newkirk further tells us that we’ll getting it from the land and the sea:
“Repent, or perish, oh My people! Repent, or perish! The avalanche is upon you! The dark tide is rolling in! You are on a crash course for it and a head-on collision! The raven is circling! The brown skinny dog is howling! The eagle is sick and dying. Its wings are crippled! The bushes are afire and burning! The air is full of toxins and poisons! The ground is parched and full of lifelessness! The whores are languishing and the tables are coming up empty! The black birds are circling and the babies are crying!”
Dying eagles, I get. Circling ravens and crying babies and bushes that are both afire and burning, sure. But “the brown skinny dog is howling”? Does it matter that the dog is brown? What it if were a yellow skinny howling dog? Would that be better? Or a brown portly dog? I’d always thought the sign of the apocalypse was the quick brown fox jumping over the lazy dog.
And if you think that’s all silly, try this:
“His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.” Revelation 1: 14-16.