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Remembering Peyton Manning’s Historic 509th Touchdown Pass

Dateline: Peyton Manning Museum, Manning City, October 19, 2034

Oliver Sutton hobbled slightly as he made his way to his digital trunk to look through his records of this historic day. “I’ve got it here somewhere,” he promised me as he used his electro stylus to rummage through the virtual box.

A few minutes later he had found it: a gold pixel framed screenshot from the original CBS news website still showing the headline: Manning makes historic 509th touchdown pass.

Sutton paused, misty-eyed, as his seven year-old grandson looked on with a confused expression on his face. “I’m sorry, kid,” he said to the little boy. “I keep forgetting that this was before you were born. I can’t expect you to understand what it was like for us back then. Those were dark days.”

“You see, back in those days there was this terrible disease called Ebola. It was at its worst just before Peyton Manning threw his famous touchdown pass. I know it seems impossible to you now, but back then we were all suffering. At the height of the epidemic, one American died and two others were infected. We didn’t know if we could go on. People were beginning to feel like the entire nation was on the verge of falling apart. What would it mean for our way of life if three people got infected?”

“Then, Peyton Manning through that pass. When that ball entered the end zone, we didn’t know it then, but it was going to change everything. People were so inspired by Peyton Manning’s athletic performance, even on the other side of the planet, that Russia immediately began to withdraw its troops from Ukraine. Islamic State fighters decided to convert to Christianity and send all the money that they were planning on spending on bombs over to Liberty University.”

“When Peyton Manning through that pass, the pharmaceutical industry executives that had been holding the Ebola vaccine in their secret vaults had a change of heart and decided to release it to the whole world. The FDA decided to allow for the sale of cannabis oil and all cancers were immediately cured.”

“Barack Obama, emboldened by the brave example of Peyton Manning, who threw a ball with no expectation for any compensation other than millions of dollars, decided to finally release his birth certificate, admitting once and for all that yes, he was born in Kenya, Missouri.”

“McDonald’s brought back the Dollar Meal. Lawn jarts were put back on the shelves – with extra sharp tips. NBC started shooting new episodes of Friends, and Brad Pitt decided to get reunited with Jennifer Anniston so that he could be on another episode of the show – this is before Anniston became president.”

“Liberals were so impressed with Peyton Manning that they decided to stop trying to take away everybody’s guns. By the end of the year every house in America had at least 12 handguns, and that’s when crime disappeared completely.”

“Oh, yes, CBS news sure got it right when they wrote that headline. Peyton Manning’s pass was historic. It changed our lives forever. So, tomorrow at school, when you start the day by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to Manning, I want you to remember what I’ve told you about Peyton Manning tonight. When you salute the flag, with its 50 footballs and 13 red stripes, I want you to understand why we all feel so proud to be living in the United States of Manning… oh, and don’t forget to take your steroids before you go to bed.”

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