The United Church of Bacon is centered around the following beliefs:
“Baconists love people of all races, backgrounds, sexual orientations, genders, and beliefs. The divine smell of bacon is bestowed equally on all people (except those who have no sense of smell, for whom baconists feel much pity)”
“We are entirely different from those who worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster, for we prefer our pasta on top of our bacon, while they prefer their bacon on top of their pasta. But that’s cool. Again, we accept everyone who loves the smell of bacon. Also, bacon is real.”
“The Great Mystery of Bacon is whether it is male or female. Bacon Prophet and Founder John Whiteside has listened closely to frying Bacon and has been unable to determine its gender from the sound of sizzle. He found that the more he turned up the heat, the more aggressive Bacon got. We do not need to understand all mysteries about Bacon to love of the smell of Bacon.”
“We mock all beliefs, even our own. At least Bacon is demonstrably real, unlike God, but some skeptics even question this ‘theory’.”
“Unlike some religions, we don’t get tangled in unproveable supernatural interpretations of goodness that might be manipulated or misinterpreted to justify anything. Just be kind to people while respecting their boundaries.”
“Bacon is our god, but that’s just a term of endearment. We don’t believe that Bacon is actually spiritual, though smelling it is surely a Divine Experience. We also like donuts because they are Holey.”
Would you join the United Church of Bacon?