Lindsey Graham, Time Traveler For President
Today, Lindsey Graham formally announced his intention to campaign for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016. Why is he running for President? To gain recruits who will help him in his mission of “securing our nation and our future.”
Securing our future? Yes, if he is elected President Lindsey Graham will secure our future – but from what? Graham will secure our future from not being our future, of course.
You could say that Lindsey Graham has been planning his presidential campaign for some time. He writes about himself in the third person, as if observing himself from some distance. “Senator Graham has shown time and again that he is willing to make the difficult decisions to secure America and her future,” Graham says of himself.
Time and again – get it? Could it possibly be more clear what Lindsey Graham is trying to promise?
Lindsey Graham was drafted into an elite squad of time traveling agents, assembled from across the reaches of space and time, to fight against a radical Islamic team of time terrorists who, possessing a time bomb from the year 2572 AG (after Graham), are intent on infiltrating the future and blowing it up from the inside. Well, Agent Lindsey isn’t going to let the evildoers have their way!
In a tip-off of his strategy, Lindsey Graham has signaled his time war strategy: “Our future prosperity depends on our commitment to bold action and practical solutions on everything from energy independence to preparing for the retirement of the Baby Boomers.”
You see? “Bold action” like “preparing for the retirement of the Baby Boomers” only makes sense if you view it in the context of time travel. You just have to think backwards in time, leaping through the syntax of Graham’s apparently linear sentences, and then it all begins to come together.
Holding a first generation Nintendo Playstation controller as his temporal field destabilizer, Lindsey Graham teaches jihadists across time a thing or two, by tweaking retirement policy to encourage the terrorists to take money out of the Social Security trust fund and into retirement savings accounts managed by Wall Street, instead of following through on their nefarious schemes! Corporations get more money to work with, and the future is secured!
What will Lindsey Graham, Explorer of Time, think of next?