Browse By

New Body Found In Pensacola Shows Signs Of Ritual Murder, Says Expert

At end of last week, the local news media in Pensacola, Florida suddenly went silent on the story of the murder of Voncile Smith and her two sons, after sensationalistic claims by Escambia County Sheriff David Morgan about a blue moon Wiccan blood ritual were not matched by the actual evidence in the case.

neoconfederate ritual murder pensacola floridaTonight, however, the world is learning that another murder has taken place in Pensacola, and this one has signs of ritual killing all over it, according to an expert in ritual murder, Dr. Morning Merlputter. The corpse of a man was found at a known ceremonial location in downtown Pensacola, a place with obvious significance, according to Dr. Merlputter.

“The truncated obelisk at the site where the dead body was found is symbolically derived from ancient Egyptian obelisks, but has been adapted by a well-known regional cult,” explained Dr. Merlputter, who is not at all to be confused with Dawn Perlmutter, who specializes in remotely identifying blue moon ritual murders.

According to Dr. Merlputter, who is Director of the Institute for the Study of Confederate Ritual Murder, and has both a Doctor of Philosophy degree* and a Master’s degree**, the placement of the corpse near the base of the Confederate Monument in Pensacola is a sure sign of a ritual killing. “The region has a culture of ritualized rebellion in which entire communities would rise up to offer human sacrifices to the Confederate cult, known colloquially as ‘lynchings’,” she explains.

The fact that the person of interest in the case was earlier seen threatening the victim with a brick is a sign of a more complicated ritual murder setting than is typically seen. “The use of a brick as a murder weapon is a sure sign that the Freemasons are involved, because the brick is a symbol that those involved in these occult groups instantly understand,” says Dr. Merlputter. “Also, the fact that this occurred a just little bit over a week after a blue moon is a telltale sign that the perpetrator is an astrologer.”

The timing of the murder suggests additional clues about the identity of the killer. “The body was found on a Sunday morning, and that’s no accident,” advises Dr. Merlputter. “As we all know, Sunday morning is the holy day of the Christian religion, a tradition that to this day teaches its children stories about divinely inspired plans for human sacrifice by one of the religion’s chief prophets, Abraham. I would suggest to the police that they narrow their search down to suspects who are Southern Christian members of the Freemasons – but exclude 7th Day Adventists.”

Pensacola-area residents were aghast at the news of yet another ritual murder in their city.

Pearl Lynn Daltry, of Lee Ferry Drive, told reporters that she just doesn’t know what Escambia County is coming to these days. “This is causing me a lot of stress,” Daltry said. “Lord have mercy, it’s enough to make an old lady like myself go get another lottery ticket from the convenience store. I’m afraid to take my cat on a walk in the park these days, what with these Sons of Confederate Veterans for Jesus whatever killers running around on the loose! First they used Megyn Kelly and her blood to take Donald Trump out of the presidential election, and now this. Well, I think we all know who is behind this, and his name rhymes with ‘My Socks Have Drama’.”

The office of the Escambia County Sheriff has yet to issue a statement confirming allegations of the ritual murder’s link to late-night discount shopping at Wal-Mart. The Pensacola Republican Party has, however, released a petition demanding a ban on all flights from countries originating in West Africa, as a precaution against the spread of Ebola in the wake of the outbreak of ritualized homicide in the city. “Protect our borders first,” said Escambia GOP Chairman Ron Trepeneur at an emergency meeting of the East Pensacola Library Preservation Society. “Then we can talk about due process for the ritual killers in our midst!”

* in Dairy Herd Management
** in Theatre Studies

One thought on “New Body Found In Pensacola Shows Signs Of Ritual Murder, Says Expert”

  1. Larry says:

    I wonder how many people will swallow the hook and pass this on… not realizing that it is satire???

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

Fight the Republican beast!