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Cayman Islands Joins Mr. Suckoo To Oppose Satanic Confusion And Ban Marriage Equality

The Cayman Islands is a territory in the British Empire that is mostly known for serving as an offshore shelter for money that criminals and corporations want to hide away, to avoid what Anthony Travers, a lawyer in the Cayman Islands, refers to euphemistically as “intrusive regulation”. When it comes to serving the need of wealthy individuals and powerful companies, the Cayman Islands is decidedly amoral.

Perhaps it’s to make up for this reputation of amorality that the government of the Cayman Islands acted this week to pass a motion prohibiting the recognition of equal marriage rights for all couples. In the Cayman Islands, many of the types marriages that are now conducted in the United States can’t be performed.

(Pssst. You know who we’re talking about, right? It’s those people the Cayman Islands wants to stop from getting married. You know, the gay and lesbian ones.)

Why does the government of the Cayman Islands want to prevent people from getting married? According to Alva Suckoo, a representative of the Legislative Assembly of the Cayman Islands, allowing people to get married in the same way they do in the USA “would allow sin”. Representative Anthony Eden, speaking for Bodden Town, agrees with Suckoo, saying that the need to prevent large numbers of couples from getting married is justified by “Holy Bible evidence” and is required to forestall “Satanic confusion”.

So, according to the religiously-controlled government of the Cayman Islands, helping criminals to cover up their activities while getting outraged about people wanting to settle down and start families may be morally confused, but at least it’s not Satanic confusion.

The Cayman Islands has its standards, after all.

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

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