The State Of The Green Party Presidential Race
“The campaign is going awesome,” Green Party candidate Jill Stein told Yes! magazine a few days ago. The truth is that Stein is not just struggling to be heard – she’s struggling to speak, with her campaign releasing statements that are few and far between, so that even her most fervent supporters have a difficult time promoting her campaign.
Jill Stein is the best known of the Green presidential candidates, given that she ran for President 4 years ago, but she isn’t the only one. The following are some other officially registered candidates for the Green Party’s presidential nomination:
Jacob Patrick Amoroso says that he’s running for President because “Jacob is an person like you. He was raised in California right in the central valley. He does what is best for the people of the United States of America.” I haven’t heard anything specific about what Jacob Amoroso has done that’s “best” for us, but I might be willing to listen, if Amoroso had anything more to say on his campaign web site, but there isn’t much else there, except that Amoroso “plans on helping California with the drought”… somehow… and that he wants to “prevent discrimination among the racial and sexual orientation”. He declared his candidacy back in August of 2015, and has neither raised nor spent any money.
Willita Bush declared an exploratory committee for a presidential candidacy with the Green Party back in January, and then again in March, but there hasn’t been much action from her since. She has, however, declared herself to be a prophetess, saying, “I exist to aid in the upliftment of souls; fighting injustice, disorder, dictatorship, & oppression.” Like Amoroso, she has neither raised nor spent any money on a presidential campaign.
Lesale Venomancer Deathbringer declared his candidacy for the Green Party presidential nomination back in September, and registered officially with the FEC. It’s not clear, however, that Mr. Deathbringer actually has the legal status required to serve in the Oval Office. That’s because Lesale Venomancer Deathbringer appears to be nothing more, or less, than a character in Defense of The Ancients, a modified version of World of Warcraft.
Deathbringer certainly has the most interesting biography of any presidential candidate. It reads, “In the Acid Jungles of Jidi Isle, poison runs in the veins and bubbles in the guts of every creature that scuttles, climbs or swoops between fluorescent vines dripping with caustic sap. Yet even in this toxic menagerie, Venomancer is acknowledged as the most venomous. Ages ago, an Herbalist named Lesale crossed the Bay of Fradj by coracle, searching for potent essences that might be extracted from bark and root, and found instead a nightmare transformation. Two leagues into Jidi’s jungle, Lesale encountered a reptile camouflaged as an epiphyte, which stung him as he mistakenly plucked it. In desperation, he used his partial knowledge of the jungle’s herbal bounty, mixing the venom of the (swiftly throttled) reptile with the nectar of an armored orchid, to compound an antidote. In the moments before a black paralysis claimed him completely, he injected himself by orchid-thorn, and instantly fell into a coma. Seventeen years later, something stirred in the spot where he had fallen, throwing off the years’ accumulation of humus: Venomancer. Lesale the Herbalist no longer–but Lesale the Deathbringer. His mind was all but erased, and his flesh had been consumed and replaced by a new type of matter–one fusing the venom of the reptile with the poisonous integument of the orchid. Jidi’s Acid Jungles knew a new master, one before whom even the most vicious predators soon learned to bow or burrow for their lives. The lurid isle proved too confining, and some human hunger deep in the heart of the Venomancer drove Lesale out in search of new poisons–and new deaths to bring.”
You would think that the people at the FEC might have suspected that this presidential candidacy isn’t genuine when Mr. Deathbringer listed his address as 200 Poison Nova Drive, Jidi Isle, AS 73556 and the address of his campaign committee as 360 Dire Ancient Way, The Dire Side Of The Map, FL 11111. Who knew that the dire side of the map is in Florida?
I can’t help but admire the chutzpah of someone who can run a campaign from a virtual world, all while being barely human and having to fight off trolls. So, for any of you who may be big fans of of the Deathbringer for President campaign, I’ve created a bumper sticker just for you.