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Manhattan Cult Worships Donald Trump

Things are getting spiritual in the Republican presidential primary. Over the weekend, Donald Trump suggested that the U.S. federal government needs to get into the business of choosing which religions citizens can practice, and which ones will be outlawed. Trump said that many mosques should be forced to close in the United States, and that those that remain open should be subjected to intense government surveillance. Trump came to this decision in spite of the fact that no significant terrorist event has ever been organized in an American mosque.

On Monday, Trump took the spiritual pitch of his presidential campaign to another level last night, however, when he declared that he has a special psychic ability to know when a terrorist attack is going to take place. “I predicted terrorism because I can feel it… I can feel it like I feel a good location … I really believe I have an instinct for this kind of thing.” Donald Trump did not predict the terrorist attack in Paris last week, but as is the case with many practitioners of divination, Trump’s followers were not dissuaded by the gap between reality and their leader’s boasts.

donald trump cultIn an Irregular Times exclusive, we have learned that the fervent faith of Donald Trump’s ability to transcend the truth is not just a manifestation of political enthusiasm. It’s part of a full-fledged religious movement.

45 feet below the corner of Broad and Beaver streets, acolytes enter the Temple of Trump, an underground chamber devoted to Trump worship. The room is a modified sewer junction, refinished in white marble, though the faithful insist that it once was a secret bank vault.

Before entering the Temple, worshippers must pass underneath a fan that blows their hair all to one side. Wearing crimson robes and putting on baseball caps that read, “Make America Great Again”, they form a ring, and begin their chant: “Yuge! Yuge! Yuge!”

After a few minutes, the dark ceremony begins. A Temple Elder emerges from the shadows to walk around the ring, raising his hands above his head in random, jerking motions, until, in one brief movement, he plucks the cap from one of the acolytes, and shouts “You’re fired!”

The unlucky person who now is missing a cap becomes the ritual scapegoat for the night. The ring of Trumpists turns on this person, who is pronounced “Mexican”, and is placed in an iron cage known as the “Detention Facility”. The remaining acolytes divide the possessions of the outcast amongst themselves, and then chase the “Mexican” through the tunnels under Manhattan until he or she is completely lost. They call this “Securing The Borders”. With the sacrifice, the group makes a donation to a Super PAC supporting Trump’s presidential campaign, then retires to a phone bank to make angry calls to cable TV news networks while eating bon bons.

Rumor has it that Trumpist temples are spreading rapidly across America, meeting in oak groves, American Legion halls, and dollar stores after business hours.

7 comments to Manhattan Cult Worships Donald Trump

  • ella

    Marco Rubio, a ‘don’t vote for Republicans’, what has that to do with Trump. Shame on you. Your ‘Trump Temples’, how did you make that up?

    In the one article that concern’s Trump, this quote: “Trump’s terrorism-induced ESP. In his 2000 book, The America We Deserve, Trump warned that the United States should keep an eye on Osama Bin Laden. But, in that same book, he also predicted that weapons of mass destruction would soon be used against an American city, a prophecy that has yet to come to pass.”

    I’d say the planes that were flown into the Towers passed for weapons of mass destruction. Just saying.

  • ella

    You know the weather is actually pretty important these days. El Nino is really kicking up out in the Pacific and storms are already dusting the plains with tornadoes and heavy rains. It is only November.

  • You’re all paying a lot of attention to Donald Trump.
    Nader called him a circus.
    So he’ll probably win.
    People are not going to vote for a BORING candidate when they have the choice of Trump. If he wins, we’ll just have to try to steer him toward better policies. But I suspect he’s hip enough to learn. He’s not controlled by big money. He IS big money. But maybe well-intentioned. Hope so.

    • Dave

      Trump seems to have no definable ideology, but neither do the voters. At least it’s a good match.

    • Leroy

      “People are not going to vote for a BORING candidate when they have the choice of Trump. If he wins, we’ll just have to try to steer him toward better policies…”

      That’s what this country has gotten to?

      Vote for the least boring presidential candidate and then STEER THEM TOWARDS BETTER POLICIES???

      This is crazy!

  • That’s because he’s a populist and a pragmatist, Dave. He wants to make deals instead of fighting, which might please everyone in the long run.
    Theoretically, that’s good.

    Also, he starts from a base of patriotism and a bias toward the free market, which aren’t always good. But he says it’s crazy to kill Medicare because it works. See the pragmatism?

    • ella

      Trump has a great deal of common sense and his supporters hear it. A bit sardonic, but look at the population of the country that grew up in front of an XBox, playing games, with their eyes glued to a cell phone. Well one eye, many have learned how to walk and drive with one eye. Patriotism, pride of self and nation, self respect, confidence that tomorrow might actually BE better. Yea, that seems appealing to a lot of people. Not to mention the thought that, even though they are ageing, without any job prospects, (who took that away?) that they can still survive, maybe until they go through a natural death. Oh, yes, that is called HOPE. There are a few reasons why a lot of people feel that slipping away. Both Democrat and Republican – probably a few parties in-between. Did you watch the last Democratic debate? Nothing there, but Bernie. Looking at the Republican field, the best, other than Trump, have nearly been eliminated, or are way down there. But there is some young blood there. Trump is needed right now, and he will step up to the plate if called to. He is versatile, flexible, someone who can bring the country together, while bringing out its’ divisions. Okay, I’ll be quite now.

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