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The Slippery Communist Running for President of the United States

Republicans are fond of referring to anyone who opposes their agenda as a “Communist”. Donald Trump calls Bernie Sanders a “Socialist/Communist”. America’s Watch Tower writes that “Hillary Clinton is a Communist, plain and simple.”

Republicans seem not to understand the details of what Communism really is, though. For years, they’ve claimed that Barack Obama is a Communist with secret plans to install a radical Muslim government to rule over America. (Hint to grumpy GOPers: Communists are opponents of religious power.)

cthulhu climate changeThere’s no reason for Republicans to go chasing after these non-Communists, though, when there are real fake Communist politicians to be found.

Prime among them is Cthulhu, the tentacle-faced underworld divinity invented by H.P. Lovecraft.

On September 15, Our Lord And Savior Cthulhu registered as a candidate for the Communist Party presidential nomination in 2016, using the mailing address of Antelope Valley College to do so. Why Cthulhu, the gigantic beast trapped underground, erupt to the surface through Antelope Valley College of all places is not clear.

Cthulu seems to have at least two different presidential campaign web sites. One declares that, “Cthulhu will have no problem dealing with Congress, as they will be the first to be eaten. The budget deficit will shrink drastically once Cthulhu cuts unnecessary spendings like Defense, Welfare and Social Security. Mass support of Cthulhu will raise the its awareness of the need to take control of our suffering country, and should lead to its return. The Great Cthulhu will awaken in time to take its presidential oath.”

Cthulhu for America demands religious liberty for Cthulhu cults, asserting that, “While the U.S. Government provides a few benefits for organizations of faith, it still onerously forces religious groups to adhere to the mundane legal system. This must change. One of the Cthulhu Cults’ most sacred rites includes human sacrifice, yet all states forbid this practice. This bureaucratic regulation of belief is not the religious freedom enshrined in the Constitution. As president, Cthulhu will eliminate these barriers to worship and grant true freedom to the faithful.”

Runt writes that, “The Great Cthulhu was oddly silent on the subjects of marriage equality and race relations, however it can be assumed that Cthulhu’s plans to annihilate all life in the universe is on an equal opportunity basis.”

This isn’t the first time that Cthulhu has run for President in a national election. In 2010, Cthulhu was depicted as a presidential candidate in Poland, along with the slogan, “Vote for the greater evil.”

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

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