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The Story Of The Americans Who Barely Escaped Yesterday’s Mass Shooting Everywhere

Wil Wheaton, who gained fame playing a space cadet on TV, sadly posted this message to his followers, yesterday: “Welcome to America. It has been 0 days since our last mass shooting.”

Yes, welcome to America, land of mass shootings. Kellan Publishing writes with alarm about “recent needless shootings everywhere”. Stacey King writes that, “everywhere I go I find myself strategizing an exit in case a mass shooting happens while I’m there.” Manolete John Garcia warns that, “You never think it could happen to you. But mass shootings are happening *everywhere* in America.” Katherine Latke says that, “I am always, always afraid now. It is everywhere. I’d be surprised if I got through the next year without witnessing a mass shooting.” Seli Marset asks, “What is going on with our world?! Innocent people are dying daily everywhere!” Alexandra Svokos writes at Elite Daily that, “If there’s anything I’ve learned over the last three years, it’s that there is no safe space. I’ve learned that anywhere and everywhere can instantly become the scene of a mass shooting.”

Families Against Mass Shootings is a group of people who are “raising awareness on what you can do to help stop mass shootings from occurring in your communities.” How many mass shootings are occurring in your community?

None, maybe… so far, but don’t forget, “anywhere and everywhere can instantly become the scene of a mass shooting”!

You are never ever safe! Some people may not believe me, but I have concrete evidence that all Americans are constantly in danger of being the victim of a mass shooting.

Yesterday, 322,272,680 Americans narrowly escaped being killed in a mass shooting. The killers were only as far away as their television screens, their radio speakers. These Americans were separated from the bullets flying through the air in San Bernardino only by the width of their mobile touch screens. Just think of how terrifying it must have been for them!

Yes, technically speaking, three hundred twenty two million two hundred seventy two thousand six hundred and eighty Americans “survived” yesterday’s mass shooting. It would be astonishingly insensitive to point this out, however. Emotionally, however, they are victims as well. The mass shootings took place all across America, in a feeling kind of way.

That’s why, today, I’m changing my social media account icons to a picture of a skull, and my account descriptions to “I Am Dead”. Really, underneath the calm facade of normalcy, in which we ate pizza and watched a movie with popcorn after seeing the news about the San Bernardino shootings, we all were shot dead yesterday, and we all are sitting in the cold morgue right now. Don’t deny it. You’re terrified that you could be shot at any time… not that it matters, because you’re already a victim, and as such, are already dead. I’ll lay down in my sympathetic grave this afternoon, as soon as I’m done talking with my PTSD counselor.

In this time, when mass shootings are EVERYWHERE across America, gas stations are exploding all over the place, as the bullets flying everywhere are sending off sparks. The zoos are shutting down, because the bullets flying everywhere have killed all the giraffes. We’re not even safe in the bathroom! Who can pee, when there are mass shootings in the stall right there with you? I was painting a sign this morning, up on the Canadian border at Niagara Falls, that repeated Wil Wheaton’s warning, but all I got out was “Welcome to America. It has been O days since…”, and then I got shot and killed.

I got better, so that I could write this article but ow! I just got struck by another stray bullet. Damn. Mass shootings are everywhere.

18 thoughts on “The Story Of The Americans Who Barely Escaped Yesterday’s Mass Shooting Everywhere”

  1. Jon sanders says:

    Excellent satirical article. But aren’t they all that one agrees with. The statistical possibility of any human, no matter where in the world, being directly involved in a mass shooting, let alone killed, is zip. But if one listens to the media, that statistic is alarmingly close to 100%.

  2. Dave says:

    F.G., I completely agree that this issue is overblown and that freedom from fear is ours if we want it. I can’t help thinking sometimes however that I’m just a little glad it happened to somebody else and not me. If Joe Shmo and I have precisely the same statistical probability of getting shot, small as that is, and Joe gets shot, should I shrug and say I had no reason to consider Joe’s safety? Overthinking things again.

    Also, if it turns out these were jihadists in San Bernardino, I think Trump just won the election.

  3. John says:

    So let me guess….. Your suggestion for fixing the problem is (drum roll) confiscation of all privately owned guns!!!!! Yeah that really helped in Paris didn’t it? Take all the privately owned guns away you want, it won’t stop idiots from doing what they did yesterday. As a matter of fact, if two or three of the people working in that office building world have had guns and been properly trained in their usage they could have helped save lives by shooting thoes stupid freedom hating bastards down!!!! You liberals crack me up. Yeah take away our God given right to protect ourselves and our families and rely on on our government to protect us. Hahahaha

  4. F.G. Fitzer says:

    John, what you believe your god gave you is your own business. It’s not a convincing argument here. People have believed that gods have given them all sorts of weird rights over the millennia, and I’m not inclined to give those thoughts more due.

    Talk about a constitutional right to bear arms, and I’ll have more respect for that on principle that the Constitution is the highest law of the land.

    Matters of law aside, I do question the wisdom of having people across the nation carrying weapons in every workplace, just in case there is an armed intruder, a likelihood that is astonishingly small.

    The number of deaths from mass shootings so far this year: 462

    The number of deaths from accidental discharge of firearms in the last year for which data is available: 505

    Think it through, John: If you have a massive increase in the number of guns being carried around, there will be a massive increase in accidental gun deaths, but the decrease in death by mass shootings would be small, because the number of mass shooting incidents is relatively small, and there’s only a limited number of people who could be saved.

    Logic leads us to the conclusion that the plan to protect people from death by placing items known to regularly cause death, both by accident and by design, isn’t well-conceived.

    But, this article isn’t about gun control. It doesn’t talk about gun control. Did you notice that before you started out on your auto-rant?

    Calm down, John.

    The article is a satire, about how people should calm down and stop blowing incidents like the one in San Bernardino out of proportion.

    Why are you so worked up, John? What’s your damage?

    Just on a tactical level, John, I want you to consider this: Seeing a guy freak out, jumping to conclusions, ranting about shooting stupid people does NOT lead most people to think, “Hm. I’d like to see that guy with a gun. Yes, sir, that would make me feel secure.”

    1. John says:

      I’m worked up because I see a deeper issue here than the rash of “mass shootings” as of late. I’m worked up about the fact that fear is being converted into a vehicle to dismantle our freedoms and liberties. I’m worked up because the choices and attitudes of small groups of liberal minded people have more power to effect change in this country than the majority! There is an agenda at work here at the government level that intends on stripping us of our rights as Americans. There has been valid proof shown in the aftermath of these mass shootings that most if not all have been false flags. I’m worked up because people in this country are so dumbed down that they see something on t.v. And automatically take it as truth if it’s given media coverage. Yes, I’m well aware of the fact that the original article was a satire. But, your correct I did jump to conclusions out of my anger over what’s happening in this country right now. And yes, I’m well aware of the fact that increased gun ownership, and the ability to carry arms at all times would – at first – cause a dramatic increase in gun related deaths. This is due to the fact that our rights for gun usage have gotten dramatically less liberal. I believe that over time as it became more common, common sense would eventually prevail. The majority of mankind are decent law abiding citizens that would only use their rights to protect themselves or others from harm. There will always be the means for psychotic individuals to find alternative ways to kill or harm innocent people. With or without guns. So, that being the case why is it that the only recourse of action the liberal left wing party can come up with is to strip law abiding citizens of their right to bear arms? A right that has been in our constitution since its inception? How about building up a better mental health system? So no, to answer your question of if I have been harmed or not the answer at this point would be “no”. Because I am sitting at home safe and sound with protection that I know I could use to protect my family with – LEGALLY if need be. When the forefathers drafted the constitution, and included the right to bear arms it wasn’t to protect ourselves from random wackos. It was so we could protect ourselves from THE GOVERNMENT. They knew that the people’s right to bear arms would be pivotal to this country remaining the democracy they intended for it to be. But since it seems that I may be “out of my intellectual league” here in this comments section, I would assume at least one, if not all of you geniuses would have an alternative method of dealing with people being shot by these murders. I can hardly wait to read the suggestions from the bearers of such intellectual prowess as yourselves.

      1. J Clifford says:

        False flag? Really, John? Show us the evidence.

        1. John says:

          Do the research for yourself. It’s there if you care to find it. Or continue to eat what your being served and stay asleep. I suppose you think the number 7 building fell on 9/11 with nothing hitting it or even coming close to hitting it all on it’s own too right? Your living proof that Hitler was right when he said “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”
          Adolf Hitler

          1. J Clifford says:

            First of all, John, it wasn’t Hitler who said that. When you’re trying to convince people your conspiracy theories are accurate, having the details right matters.

            I respect your constitutional right to bear arms, ok? I do NOT, however, respect your wisdom. Your lack of critical thinking skills matters. When I see someone like yourself who is unable to think clearly talk about owning a gun, it makes me very nervous. If you can’t make sense even of remote news events, why should I trust you to choose wisely whether to fire a gun?

            Whether the number 7 building of the World Trade Center fell with being hit or not has absolutely no bearing at all on whether the San Bernardino shooting was a false flag operation.

          2. John says:

            I’m not trying to split hairs with you J. There is no concrete proof either way regarding the statement I said was made by Hitler. Even if he didn’t use those exact words, it was in his ideology regarding everybody but the German people. I brought up building #7 as a parallel reference to be used or considered by you as a good example of how governments can, and do, get their agendas pushed forward by any means necessary. Therefore, if I believed that 9/11 was done with the direct involvement of our government then yes me bringing it up makes perfect sense as an example of a Red Flag event. I.think you need to calm yourself down a little and realize we are having.a discussion about sensitive subjects here. But,.everyone’s beliefs need to be respected. I.feel I lost yours as soon as I.voiced my belief in God.

          3. John says:

            Wow! I’m impressed you were able to do some research on my quote, but just as your lack of Faith in a Creator misguides you, your lack of being able to scroll down to more than the first 5 websites listed in your Google search misguides, and misinforms you in your quest to prove me wrong as well. Once again you place your FAITH in the minds of men. Randall Bytwerk has no concrete evidence that Hitler never made that remark. But even if he didn’t his quote in Mein Kampf regarding the Jews believing a big lie easier than a smaller one still fits in with exactly what I was trying to relay to you. So let’s stop splitting hairs ok? Secondly I find it rather amusing that you had to resort to making it seem like I am mentally unstable, but yet made no reference to a specific statement I have made that justifies, or validates your childish attempt to smear my level of intelligence. But to respond to your comment regarding “how worried you are about someone like me owning a gun” I would say this this. If you had any common sense I would be the last person you should be concerned about owning a gun. Since your a proponent of us giving up our rights (the right to bear arms) I am going to go out on a limb here and postulate that you are also in favor of allowing as many of the Muslim refugees as possible into this country. You think this while fully aware of the fact that it’s the same people that have openly declared a religious jihad on all Americans, and anybody else who does not convert to Islam. Well I have news for you J…. Radical Muslims want you and your entire family dead. The ones that are here already do, and the ones you would like to willfully bring here. But I’m the unstable one that’s not able to make logical decisions? Ok

          4. Jon sanders says:

            Reading through these comments and those of like-minded folks, a common theme is evident: the federal government is gradually taking away our freedoms, ratcheting up control over us, eliminating private ownership of guns, increasing taxes and subverting the Constitution. Advocates of this philosophy might check out a sight-seeing trip to Somalia. Though there might be some downsides, that country enjoys limited government, virtually no taxes, and no gun controls. There is no background checks for weapon purchases and open carry does not seem to be a problem. There is no Constitution to be concerned with. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

          5. John says:

            Thanks for the info!!! All of thoes things sound great. They must not have any liberal left wing nutjobs over there that think giving up their rights and freedoms for security is a great idea. Between the feminist movement, the pro choice movement, the homeland security department, the gay and lesbian movement, and the sickening methods being employed by this shady government to beat us all into submission with these false flag events, I would have to say that this country has outlived it’s usefulness. It’s nothing but a sorry shadow of its former glory. With nothing but thieves and morally corrupt people stearing us towards a most certain demise.

          6. Jim Cook says:

            Check out the living conditions and rate of violence in Somalia, John, and you’ll see what Jon meant by his words.

        2. Jon sanders says:

          John, I live in a western state and gun possession is a pretty big deal for many of my friends. However, about half the country does not think that way, and most of my associates are in favor of much stricter gun controls than presently exist. These are intelligent people far from a bunch of bleeding heart left wingers. These folks feel the near-instant availability of handguns is not in the best interest of the country. Many first-world countries, Canada, Sweden, Japan, etc., have much harsher weapon controls that we do, and are more socialistic than we are. I have yet to meet anyone from those countries who feel their freedoms are dissolving. Neither I, nor any of my acquaintenances have ever been in a situation where they would have needed a weapon to defend themselves or others. In relation to the total U.S. population I should think the instance of any one person being put in a position of having to use force is nearly non-existent. As they say, guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Handgun availability just makes killing so very much easier.

  5. Jon sanders says:

    John, take a close look at what commentator Fitzer just said and re-read the article. This is satire, possibly a little too subtle for all the readership. Could be that Wil Wheaton’s underlying mission is to take our guns away, but it sure was not the point of Fitzer’s article. Commenter Dave’s point speaks to reality: if I, or a close relative/friend, am personally affected by terrorist activity my attitude is probably going to change. But, again, the statistical odds of such an event happening to me is miniscule.

  6. Tom says:

    Right. The real threats you have to discover on your own, the government and the media don’t talk about it – just keep shopping and watching tv.

    Higher levels of Fukushima cesium detected offshore

    Scientists monitoring the spread of radiation in the ocean from the Fukushima nuclear accident report finding an increased number of sites off the US West Coast showing signs of contamination from Fukushima. This includes the highest detected level to date from a sample collected about 1,600 miles west of San Francisco. The level of radioactive cesium isotopes in the sample, 11 Becquerel’s per cubic meter of seawater (about 264 gallons), is 50 percent higher than other samples collected along the West Coast so far, but is still more than 500 times lower than US government safety limits for drinking water, and well below limits of concern for direct exposure while swimming, boating, or other recreational activities. [more]

    A typical response from the authorities – nothing to see here folks, as we have everything under control. Despite assurances that levels of radiation are ‘well below the limits of concern’, there are ongoing effects that these scientists, with the collusion of the mainstream press, are desperate to sweep under the rug.

    Almost third of US West Coast newborns hit with thyroid problems after Fukushima
    nuclear disaster

    California coast: Unprecedented mass die-offs as the Pacific Ocean turns into a ‘desert’

    Fukushima fallout: Throwing radioactive caution to the wind & sea

    There is no ‘safe’ exposure to radiation

    [comments quoted from]

    1. Dave says:

      Tom, I’ve been taking something called Tri-Iodine since the nuclear accident. Your concerns are valid.

  7. plasonas says:

    It is everywhere. I’d be surprised if I got through the next year without witnessing a mass shooting.” Seli Marset asks, “What is going on with our world?! Where did you get this information?

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