The Two Captains Running For President
On September 8 this year, Captain Jeffrey Scott Pease the Second, of Overland Park, Kansas declared his write-in candidacy in the 2016 presidential election. We don’t know much about Captain Pease, except that he may have a certain fascination with guns or golf, having chosen the username “arclaser” for his America Online account once upon a time. The Arc Laser is a rangefinder sold by Bushnell and used by golfers and riflemen.
If you’re reading this, Jeffrey, drop us a line. We’d like to know your story.
Weeks before Pease registered with the FEC, however, another captain announced his own presidential candidacy. Someone sent an electronic filing for an independent campaign to elect Captain Crunch as President of the United States. According to the FEC filing, Captain Crunch lives in a single family home at 5 Twelveoak Hill Drive, San Rafael, California, worth almost one million dollars.
I think we all know the story of Captain Crunch. Once he started associating with crunch berries, he went downhill fast, and has never been quite the same again. Seek help, Mr. Crunch.