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The USA Needs Robots To Do Jobs That Dogs Already Do To Deal With A Problem That Isn’t Happening, Says US Senator

“In Brussels there was a bombing in one of the train stations as well. So we need to increase the surveillance and the security there, including dogs. As a matter of fact, our K-9 friends are some of the best that we have when it comes to protecting us because their noses are attuned to being able to sniff out the
explosives that you cannot detect with metal detectors or with the AIT machine that we go through where we hold up our hands to see if we have anything on us. It can detect if you have a package, if you have an explosive that is somewhere in one of your body cavities. It is going to be very, very difficult. Dogs, because of their God-given sense of smell, can detect that. A properly trained dog is just amazing to watch. Now, interestingly, concurrently there is research going on at NIST, the National Institute of Standards and Technology, for an artificial dog nose, a mechanical item or a piece of software and hardware that would actually do the same job. But that has not been perfected yet. That is going to be really interesting to see what they come up with.”

This was the wisdom offered this week by U.S. Senator Bill Nelson of Florida, as he was commenting on a transportation bill moving to the Senate floor.

Senator Bill Nelson thinks that America needs robotic dog noses.


Well, dog noses can do really amazing things. Dog noses can sense very thin concentrations of particles in the air, detecting the presence of substances that humans aren’t capable of noticing. According to Senator Ben Nelson, security dogs are capable of smelling explosive material, even when it’s wrapped in a material and hidden within the body cavity of a suicide bomber.

So, you see, America needs robotic dog noses because security dogs can smell explosive devices that people might be trying to sneak into airports and train stations. The security dogs prove that this form of security is effective, and so, if we can replace the dogs with robotic noses, then… we’ll be getting the level of security we’re already getting.

Right, I know that’s confusing, but see, the thing is, if we have robotic dog noses, then we won’t need security dogs any more, or the people who handle them. We’ll just need robotic dog noses, and the people who maintain them, and the security experts who keep them from being hacked. It’s not really a labor saving plan, it’s true, but it does at least shift the labor around to different areas of the economy, which helps everyone look busy, which just might deter terrorists from attacking… though terrorists aren’t attacking the United States anyway.

Right, I know that sounds weird, because everyone knows that terrorists are attacking the United States all the time, a common knowledge that is only slightly undermined by the fact that actually, terrorists are not attacking the United States all the time. In fact, terrorist attacks almost never happen in the United States these days. Senator Nelson cites a terrorist attack in Belgium, which is, as of today, not even close to being within the United States.

There has never ever ever been a case in which terrorists attacked any airport, train station or other location within the United States of America using explosives hidden within people’s body cavities. In fact, the bombings in Belgium that Senator Nelson cited as the reason that America needs robotic dog noses was not conducted using explosives hidden in body cavities, either.

So, in short, we need robotic dog noses because we already have friendly animals that people like with fully functional noses of their own, to protect us from attacks that aren’t happening using tactics that aren’t being used.

Also, robotic dog nose technology doesn’t actually exist yet. The National Institute of Standards and Technology has lots of robotic dog nose prototypes that don’t work, though.

Thanks for keeping your attention focused on what really matters, Senator Nelson!

5 thoughts on “The USA Needs Robots To Do Jobs That Dogs Already Do To Deal With A Problem That Isn’t Happening, Says US Senator”

  1. ella says:

    “Also, robotic dog nose technology doesn’t actually exist yet. The National Institute of Standards and Technology has lots of robotic dog nose prototypes that don’t work, though.” Peregrin Wood

    Got a chuckle out of that one. But you see, it will cost millions of dollars to create the “dog nose” that may work, to some extent, as well as a real dog nose. And the people who test it in real life will charge the government outrageous amounts to prove it still doesn’t work. In the meantime, some terrorist will have heard of it,and just to prove it doesn’t work, he/she will go and kill some people. Then the terror threat can go ballistic and employee a few hundred more people, which will include real dog noses, to go search out what happened. Well, you get the point. They are still trying to spend 4.1 Trillion dollars without giving me any of it. Maybe if I tell them I have a dog that wags his tail twice when he smells a Senator, I can get a grant.

    1. J Clifford says:

      No, Ella. I really don’t think that terrorists will sit around and say to themselves, “Gosh, I didn’t really want to launch a suicide attack, but now that I’ve heard that there’s a robotic dog nose, I’ll go blow myself up.” I’m not feeling the validity of that story.

      Your final line may have a grain of truth to it, though.

  2. Dave says:

    I’m working on a robotic dog tail that wags.

    1. J Clifford says:

      I do have a feeling that the tail is wagging the dog in this particular innovation project.

    2. ella says:

      What good is the nose if the tail doesn’t wag, how will you know when the nose finds something? Dave? if you get a tail to wag can I have 10% in sales? Be sure to add a nose in front of it and put it on wheels. You know, with a pull string attached. Sell it for $10,000, discounted price, in packs of 100.

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