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Apple iPhone 7 Marketing Will Target Dead People

This week, Apple CEO Tim Cook gushed on The CNBC TV channel to Jim Cramer, the investment show host whose bad advice helped fuel the 2008 financial collapse. Cook was there to promote Apple’s upcoming release, the iPhone 7.

“We have great innovation in the pipeline, like new iPhones that will incent you and other people that have iPhones today to upgrade to new iPhones,” said Cook.

That’s just what I’ve always wanted: A telephone that will incent me. Oh, wait a minute. I’m typing this on my iPhone, and the autocorrect feature just informed me that “incent” isn’t even a word in the English language.

“Incent” is a word from Business, a language driven by the need to cycle through new linguistic terms at a rapid pace in order to enable corporate citizens to avoid confronting cognitive dissonance and ethical hypocrisy.

Ethical hypocrisy? What could I mean by that? It’s not as if Apple buys people and discards them as if they were commodities. Oh, wait, yes it is. Tim Cook told Cramer, with pride, “We acquire a company every three to four weeks on average. It’s a rare month a company is not being bought. We typically buy for technology and really great people.”

“Mmmm. This is some really good coffee,” my friend said to me the other day. “Oh, that’s nothing,” I replied. “You should try these really great people I bought the other week.”

What is Apple doing with all those people it buys? It’s making a new generation of telephones for dead people.

Cook told Cramer that the new iPhone was going to be indispensable… no, even better than that. “We are going to give you things that you can’t live without, that you just don’t even know you need today,” Cook said.

Yes, I hate to break it to you, but you are dead, and didn’t even realize it. You see, the upcoming iPhone 7 has features that you can’t live without, but it’s not available yet, which means, logically, you can’t possibly be alive. Sorry. Look on the bright side. Maybe your children, or their children, will some day get an iPhone 7, and then, they will be able to live.

One thought on “Apple iPhone 7 Marketing Will Target Dead People”

  1. Dave says:

    What a hoot. Good call, F.G. I passed a billboard in my town a few years ago that said “YOU CAN’T REALLY LIVE TODAY WITHOUT A NEWSPAPER.” Well, I tried it and haven’t bought a newspaper since. I lived. Really.

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