Liveblogging the 2016 Republican Convention
Colorado, we are happy to see that your Republicans have a conscience.
I pay a grievance to the rag of the new fried eggs plates on the fairgrounds, and to the free duckies by which they stand, inflated, in dirigibles, with hippie chicks and dust hicks for all.
“Hillary for prison! That’s right! She deserves to be wearing stripes!” said speaker Pat Smith. We hear the sentiment, but in the United States of America, a person has to commit an actual crime in order to be put in prison. So, what crime did Hillary Clinton commit? What specific criminal charge would be brought to put Hillary Clinton behind bars? There are procedures for imprisoning people. What grand jury or prosecutor has found any reasonable evidence that Hillary Clinton is a criminal?
Mark Geist and Tiegen: We were hired to engage in combat on behalf of the United States of America, and so we did. Hillary Clinton wanted to get Moammar Qaddafi loyalists out of Libya. We didn’t get on an airplane to Germany until 20 minutes after the Benghazi siege. Therefore, vote for Donald Trump. Bring on the logic!
Grieving parents should dictate national policy, says the GOP national convention. So, more people in the USA are murdered by non-immigrants than by immigrants. Why, then, is the GOP proposing that the United States builds a giant wall to keep immigrants out?
Karen Vaughn: America’s enemies are “hell bent on destroying us”. And yet, here we are after seven and a half years of Barack Obama as President of the United States we are not anywhere close to being destroyed. These enemies aren’t much of a threat, apparently.
“Our middle class is steadily declining,” says Senator Jeff Sessions. The solution Sessions proposes: Reducing the taxes paid by millionaires and billionaires.
Code Pink Alert protester gets more attention than Jeff Sessions as Sessions shouts, “Donald Trump will build the wall!”
Rudolph Giuliani shouts, “The vast majority of Americans today do not feel safe!” Yet, the vast majority of Americans are actually not being victimized by any kind of violence. So, apparently, Rudolph Giuliani thinks we ought to base federal government policy upon people’s unfounded fears.
“There’s no next election. This is it!… Donald Trump is the agent of change, and he will be the leader of the change we need!” Wait a minute. Did Rudolph Giuliani just promise that if we elect Donald Trump, all future presidential elections will be canceled?
Melania Trump teaches the son she shares with Donald Trump that the only limits he has are defined by the size of his dreams. Do you think she understands that other children have limits that are different from those of the son of a billionaire?
Melanie Trump tells us that her husband is “amazing”. Any policy specifics? “Donald Trump thinks big.” Care to share any of those big thoughts, Melania? “We need new programs.” What programs, Melania? Melania Trump just spent the better part of 20 minutes saying practically nothing. Expect more content from Bill Clinton’s speech at the Democratic national convention.
Michael Flynn tells America to wake up at 10:40 PM. Donald Trump will end a good night’s sleep!
Flynn tells us that the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. Wait a minute… didn’t Donald Trump say that America was losing at everything and that we need to make America great again? If we’re already the greatest country under Barack Obama, how much greater can we get?
Michael Flynn: Elect Donald Trump because the United States was the first country to put a man on the Moon.
Flynn: “Our troops are too often distracted by trivial matters like what precise words to use… War is not about bathrooms.” That’s right! War is about foyers! Foyers! We don’t call them front hallways! We call them foyers!
Michael Flynn confirms Donald Trump has a time travel policy: “These next four years will be consumed by the perils that we now face.”
If you ever say “USA”, you can make Michael Flynn stop in the middle of any sentence.
“Lock her up!” says Michael Flynn of Hillary Clinton. For what crime… or does Michael Flynn think Hillary Clinton should be put into prison without trial? “Lock her up!” Michael Flynn says again… for “careless use of email”.
“American exceptionalism is very true,” says Michael Flynn. See, it’s not just true, but very true, which is very very very true, because you can’t be exceptional unless you use the word “very” very much. Ooh, I just used the word “very”. I must be exceptional.
Michael Flynn: Because if you say something twice, it must be true.
Oh dear. Now Michael Flynn is shouting at America to wake up again, this time at 11:05 at night.
Joni Ernst/Yawn 2020
“Donald Trump is focused on you!” Have you felt Donald Trump’s focus?