Krampus Exposes The Liberal War On Christmas!
For years now, the liberal logic elites have claimed that there is no such thing as the War on Christmas. Of course, we all know better. Just listen to the way they talk about it. When they say, “There is no such thing as the War on Christmas,” they make sure that Christmas is the very last word in the sentence, because they’re all such Christmas haters they just can’t beat to say the word.
Not me! You see what I did in that first paragraph? I used the word “Christmas” four times, which just proves that I love Santa Claus and Jesus more than you.
In my quest to expose the sordid truth about the liberal War on Christmas, I have gone to the source of all this trouble: Krampus, the satyrical dark heart of the winter holidays himself. I met with Krampus late last night in his satin-shrouded Manhattan penthouse to get the truth about the War on Christmas. The following is a transcript of our conversation:
FG: You sent me a note earlier saying that you were willing to come clean on your role in the War on Christmas. So, what do you have to tell me?
KRAMPUS: Come clean? No, no, I would never do that. I will tell you a truth or two, though, or maybe several versions of them. But yes, I admit it. I started the War on Christmas. I am behind it all.
FG: Aha! So, when did you start this nefarious scheme?
KRAMPUS: It was back when they introduced New Coke. That was the last straw for me.
FG: How so?
KRAMPUS: Well, the Coca-Cola company gave Santa Claus a really nice promotional package. He got paid to just stand around and have his picture taken drinking New Coke, but they didn’t offer me anything. That’s when I swore I’d get even and destroy Christmas.
FG: I knew it! What did you do?
KRAMPUS: First, I waited. Revenge is dish best served cold, with oysters, and pfefferneuse. Slowly, I created my anti-Christmas network. Then, in 1994, I gathered all the liberal atheists in my secret meeting house under the Elks Club in Cheboygan, and announced my plan to destroy Christmas.
FG: What was it? How would you destroy Christmas?
KRAMPUS: We all decided, the liberal elites and I, to stop saying “Christmas”. My progressive minions began right away. On their way home from the anti-Christmas meeting, they greeted people by saying, “Hey, how’s it going?” or “Nice to see you!” Christmas began to crumble right away. We just not-mentioned Christmas to its knees.
FG: I see. How did you know it would work so well?
KRAMPUS: It all has to do with this: Christians can’t feel confident about their religious belief unless they talk about it all the time. That’s why they’re so desperate to force everyone to participate in Christian prayers in public schools. If Christian kids aren’t forced to pray out loud at least three times a day, they’ll be heathens by the time they get home from school. This vulnerability extends to their favorite holiday, Christmas, of course. Christmas is such a weak and pathetic holiday that it can’t survive unless every single store plays Christmas carols non-stop from Halloween until New Year’s Day. I had a study conducted on Christmas worshippers, and discovered that if a person doesn’t hear the magic phrase, “Merry Christmas” at least an average 39 times a day in the months of November and December, they just won’t celebrate Christmas at all.
FG: It all begins to make sense.
KRAMPUS: Right. Don’t interrupt me. So the other thing I realized is that Christmas is merry but not happy. Have you ever stopped to think about what that means?
KRAMPUS: No, of course you haven’t. You see, being merry is all external. It’s about putting on a show, a performance of manic energy that, underneath it all, is hollow. Merry is purely extrinsically motivated. A person is merry because they really want to be happy. Christmas is merry and bright, sure, but that’s just a cover for how vacuous and depressing the holiday really is. Have you listened to the carols? “Fall on your knees!” “In sin and error pining!” It’s dreary.
FG: So what did you do with this insight?
KRAMPUS: As I explained to my hordes of liberal followers, all we had to do was suggest that people might be happy instead of being merry. So, we instructed store clerks across the United States to say “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas”. That got people thinking that, hey, forget this fake merry pose I’ve been putting on all my life. There are other holidays that can actually make me happy! From there, it was inevitable.
FG: What was inevitable?
KRAMPUS: Nobody would celebrate Christmas any more. My War on Christmas has been a success!
FG: How do you measure that?
KRAMPUS: Simple numbers. Did you know that there are only 7 people left in all the USA who celebrate Christmas – and 5 of them are male? It’s not a sustainable breeding population. They’re getting genetic diseases, and most of their offspring are infertile now.
FG: So Christmas is doomed, then!
KRAMPUS: Well, don’t be too sure. There’s just one hitch in my plan.
FG: What’s that?
KRAMPUS: Donald Trump. Now that he’s marshaling the resources of the U.S. federal government to defend Christmas from my vicious attacks of not saying “Christmas”, all my evil plans may be for naught.
FG: What’s he going to do?
KRAMPUS: For one thing, he’s saying “Christmas” a lot. You have no idea how drastically that undermines my program. But, worse than that, he has a Christmas-worshipper conservation program.
FG: Really? I haven’t heard about that.
KRAMPUS: Oh, sure. You heard him announce that he’s cutting size of the the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase Escalante National Monuments almost down to nothing, right? Well, what do you think he’s going to do with all that land? It’s not just strip mining and drilling for oil, I can tell you..
FG: What’s he going to do?
KRAMPUS: Next week, Donald Trump is going to announce the first ever Christmas Refuge where those national monuments used to be. They’ll take those final 7 Christmas celebrants to southern Utah, and release them in the wild, where they will be tended by zookeepers, who will encourage them to mate successfully, and feed them candy canes year-round.
FG: Year round?
KRAMPUS: Yes. In Southern Utah, it will be Christmas every day of the year. That’s why I’m coming to you and bringing my War on Christmas out into the open. It’s time to bring the battle out into the light of day.
FG: What are you going to do?
KRAMPUS: It will take something really powerful to combat the genius of Donald Trump’s defense of Christmas. So, I’ve instructed all my liberal followers not only to avoid saying “Christmas”, but also to avoid saying “December” altogether. By my calculations, if we can keep it up consistently, within five years, we’ll have an 11-month calendar.