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Baby Jesus and Holy Family Found Paralyzed

In the formerly bucolic town of Wolcott, New York, having become merely colic since the turn of the century, the local grocery store has attempted to revive the community’s fortunes by hosting a nativity scene, featuring not only the baby Jesus and his holy family, but also four wizard kings who provide looks of game astonishment in order to add a sense of drama.

This year, however, it seems that the baby Jesus has fallen ill, and infected everyone around him. Everyone in the scene is suffering from paralysis. Even though Christmas was over a week ago, the whole lot of them are frozen in place, unable to move. They’re still there at the entrance to the grocery store.

Thus, tidings of comfort and joy have become transformed into a public health panic.

Some had initially suspected that the baby Jesus might have had lockjaw, perhaps after getting scratched from a rusty barn nail. The microbe that causes tetanus, however, isn’t believed to be transmitted through respiratory contact. Some have speculated that a weaponized biological agent may be at fault, or perhaps a fungal infection.

Others are beginning to say that the whole thing may simply be a protest, orchestrated by the “virgin” Mary, who has been rather upset after Republican politicians in Alabama, defending Roy Moore, insinuated that teenage girls should regularly have sex with older men, as it is said she did. The conservative neighborhoods of Wolcott, it seems, have offered little compassion for her position.

Paralysis strikes Wolcott New York Jesus

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Psst... what kind of person doesn't support pacifism?

Fight the Republican beast!