Just a couple days before his inauguration as President of the United States of America, George W. Bush chose to celebrate his victory over the majority of American voters by dancing with Ricky Martin and having the Rockettes put on a show of high leg kicking at the Lincoln Memorial. He also gave a speech in which he explained, "A new administration is an opportunity for change and a new direction. That is the promise I have made and the promise I will keep to give America a fresh start."
An opportunity for change and a new direction, huh? This was the kind of ambiguous phrasing that Little Boy Bush has become infamous for. I scratched my head for a good hour trying to figure out what kinds of change and new direction the President was promising. Then it struck me that there must be some symbolic clues in the context of the statement. What was President-select Bush trying to say by bringing flashy low-brow entertainers to a memorial of a serious and well-respected, if grave and austere, President? Of course! Bush was hinting at the underlying goal of his upcoming term as President: to put things where they don't belong!
What an innovative guy he is, Mr. Bush Junior. It seems that the drunken highjinks of his days before the age of 40 left him with a taste for absurdity. In this light, it can only be seen as a great artistic statement for Bush to appear to make light of one of President Abraham Lincoln, probably the most respected figure in American history, by shaking his bon-bon with women in glimmering tights at the monument erected in his honor!
Interpreted from this perspective, Bush's policy proposals make a lot more sense too. It becomes clear that Bush's entire agenda is based on his need to make a high-minded statement about absurdity by placing things all over the country where they don't belong. Consider the following:
The Bush Nominations
With his characteristic smirk and a snicker, young Gee W. enrolled the following as members of his cabinet:
Bush promises as president to bring oil wells from his hot, dry home in Texas all the way up to the cold, wet state of Alaska, placing them on giant platforms in the Arctic Ocean, thus placing huge stretches of the supposedly protected environment of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge under the control of oil companies with a history of creating environmental disasters such as the wreck of the Exxon Valdez. Opposites attract!
Environmental Protection Racket
Our nation's got publicly-owned land out west that's supposed to be protected from reckless exploitation. So what does Our Boy Bush want to do with these lands? Why, he'll offer them to the highest bidder, selling land use rights to huge mining companies, tree-cutting corporations and bigtime cattle-ranchers. You see, by letting these folks use public lands for cut rate prices, you build a loyal electoral base. Besides, varmints is varmints. Protecting the environment by destroying it -- what hilarious contradictions!
Faith-Based Money Funnelling
At the same time that Bush says he's against social programs like Welfare, he supports legislation to funnel money to churches who provide welfare on the condition that the recipients take part in sectarian religious rituals. Church and State separate? Not anymore. Combining two things that don't belong together - what a sense of humor!
Bush campaigned on the promise that he'd do for the nation's schools what he did for schools in Texas. So how did Texas schools perform under his administration? Silly you, student performance decreased and funding for public schools went down. That's not education reform, it's education deform. All this from the President who says his two favorite books are the Bible, and children's book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. A son of the Education President who hates to read and wants to convert public schools into private enterprises -- absurdity incarnate!
A Minority-Rules Democracy
Then there's the greatest absurd achievement of performance artist George W. Bush to date: getting himself elected even though the majority of voters chose someone else. How surreal, becoming the leader of the world's most powerful democracy by preventing votes from being counted and being selected as the next President by officials who were never elected at all! Why, President Bush even admitted his disinterest in the democratic will of the voters when he said, "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody. Whether they voted for me or not, I'm their president." An undemocratic election - what whimsy!
These are just a few examples of the kind of absurdist artistic expressions we can expect from President George W., but I think you get the point. By putting things where they obviously don't belong, our subtle Commander-In-Chief plans to teach us all... well, it's not clear what he plans to teach us, but there must be a point to it all, right? Right?
Irregular Times require backtalk. So talk back to us!