|The following is the introduction to our latest book...
Welcome to the bathroom. If you're like most Americans, your bathroom isn't the most comfortable room of your house. It's a bit small, a bit crowded, and oftentimes a wee bit stinky.
Of course, not everyone is burdened with a bathroom like yours. Some people have got big, spacious bathrooms, with room to stretch, long sinks with expansive counters, fancy German faucets, artwork in handcarved wooden frames and big, two person tubs with funny bubble jets that turn the bath soaps into big, cappuccino style froths. These people keep upholstered chairs in their bathrooms so that they don't have to stand up to look in the mirror like the rest of us. They've got big closets right in their bathrooms with special heavy wooden hangers that have embroidered poofy cushions on them to give their expensive, floor length thick robes a gentle touch.
George W. Bush is a rich man, and he has a lot of bathrooms in all of his different houses that he owns. Now, I've never myself been to any of Bush’s houses myself. Nonetheless, I feel pretty confident that he's got himself a few of these luxurious kinds of bathrooms. Sure, he'll put in a folksy element or two, like a painting of a Texas longhorn bull that he sent one of his servants out to buy from an art dealer somewhere in Austin, but it takes a lot more than a folksy manner and a funny squint to understand the problems of working Americans. There's no escaping the fact that George W. Bush is a big luxury bathroom kind of guy.
We wanted to offer up a Bush Bathroom Reader because we think that the bathroom is a pretty instructive place in which to think about the kind of vision that George W. Bush is trying to push on America. Crude metaphors aside, we think it's important to consider the implications of Mr. Bush's bathroom elitism. We think that the kind of can a man sits on is a good indication of the kind of life he leads beyond the bathroom door.
We're betting that it's been decades since Mr. Bush has even spent the night in a house or hotel that doesn't have big cushy bathrooms. There were days, to be sure, before Mr. Bush found Jesus and all that, when he'd eagerly find his way to any piece of porcelain that could catch his over-aged frat boy hurls. We're glad that those days are over, but we can't help wondering what influence those early experiences with self-expression had upon Mr. Bush's public speaking style.
Hey, if Mr. Bush wants to install extravagant bathroom fixtures at his dude ranch, that's his business. We're worried, though, that he wants to do for America what he's done for his bathrooms: building oversized government agencies that only benefit the kind of super-wealthy friends who can buy special access to the White House at a premium price. You can bet that ordinary folks just don't get to relieve themselves in Mr. Bush's big-bathroomed family compound in Crawford, Texas.
Ordinary Americans don't get access to Bush's big government programs either. None of us are getting a piece of Bush’s war-profiteering action. We wonder: Which big oil company got the no-bid contract to rebuild bathrooms in Iraq?
It's especially curious that George W. Bush, as America's Big Bathroom President, seems intent upon spreading trashy potty habits all across the land. After promising everybody that he would strengthen clean water laws, Mr. Bush actually had the Environmental Protection Agency issue a new regulation that allows water treatment companies to mix sewage into people's drinking water before it’s been fully treated. The Bush Administration is proud of mixing sewage with the public’s drinking water. They say that this policy they call “blending” will save a lot of money. That's a yummy thought, to be sure, but we suggest that you wash your hands now, while it still makes a difference.
If we were to use our bathroom time to consider all the crappy things that have gone on since Bush began his occupation of the White House, we might spend the entire year behind the thin wooden door. Besides, big and heavy policy analysis is not what a bathroom reader is all about. It's okay if you don't have the time to read the latest State Department documents about the Bush foreign policy plan. Just bring this book into your little water closet, take a seat, and flip through the pages as you will.
Puzzles somehow seem appropriate to any book about George W. Bush, so we've put in a few of those, some of them visual and some of them verbal. Feel free to put your pencil to these pages. We promise we won’t be offended.
We're also in the process of assembling a list of 2,004 reasons to boot Bush. Many of those reasons are included in this book. The final version of this list will be ready before the election of November, 2004, but until then you – yes, you, your very self – have the chance to be a part of this process and contribute whatever of your own reasons you can think of. In fact, we suggest that you scribble down these thoughts in the margins of this book as they occur. Just take a visit to Irregular Times (on the web at irregulartimes.com), take a gander, and email us your contributions (to email@example.com).
Above all else, take it easy while you're reading this book. Times are rough, and we all deserve a few extra minutes to ourselves. After all, it's not as if you're doing anything dirty.
Not getting yourself up and registering to vote? Now that would be dirty.
We are proud to announce that we have a new book for sale, just in time for the Election 2004 season to really get into gear. The Bush Bathroom Reader is a long series of short pieces, puzzles and lists designed for the place that any piece of literature on George W. Bush belongs: the can. While you, um, sit on your porcelain throne, peruse through 525 Reasons to Boot Bush, decipher top-secret intelligence briefings, play Bush Bingo, fill out Cross-at-Bush-Words puzzles, find your way out of Iraq and ask yourself "Do I hate George W. Bush?" And there's oh-so-much more: kind of like our nation's deficit.
This book is not only suited for your own lavatorial amusement, but also makes a great gift for your favorite person who needs just a little nudge to move away from the dark side of politics.
Irregular Times require talking back.
Give us your Irregular Retorts!
We are also eagerly awaiting original submissions of quality irregularity.