Taking the heat of reality on the ground is a tough thing, and at one time or another, we all dream of the solitude of a haven in outer space. Fly me to the Moon, baby.
George W. Bush has got it really tough these days, what with members of his own Cabinet revealing the bald truth that the Iraq war was planned from day one of the Bush Administration. Helicopters are getting shot down in Iraq, 100 Americans soldiers are killed in Iraq.
Sometimes, even a private dude ranch in Crawford, Texas isn't enough of an escape for Mr. Bush. So lately, he's been dreaming of the stars. George W. Bush has got the Moon Buggy Bug.
Unofficial reports claim that Mr. Bush has replaced his signature cowboy boots with moon boots, which he wears when he is posing for photographs behind the desk in the Oval Office. No one can see them, but he knows the moon boots are there, and it makes him feel kind of, you know, special. Karl Rove insists that this isn't so, and tells reporters to "stick to principle!"
Well, Bush is, after all, the Big Cheese. What better place for him to send a spaceship than to the Moon, which, some people have said, is made of cheese?
That big announcement is coming... Any day now... I mean it this time...
Today, Mr. Bush is scheduled to announce a bold new initiative that will spark the imaginations of all Americans, challenge us all to dream the impossible dream, demonstrate that Bush has the "vision thing", encourage children to save their pennies, and earn votes in Florida.
Mr. Bush is going to propose that (drumroll) by the year 2014 (blaring trumpets) America develop the technology and a fleet of spaceships that can (dramatic pause) SEND A MAN TO THE MOON!
Will the Wonders Never Cease to be Recycled?
It's kind of like Star Trek, you see. Whereas Captain James T. Kirk led American TV audiences "to boldly go where no man has gone before," Captain George W. Bush plans to inspire Americans to boldly go where no one has gone since 1972.
It may seem strange to some Americans that George W. Bush, in 2004, seeks to grab the attention of Americans with a space program almost identical with one that was announced in the early 1960's. Itzakh Fahrchrei, spokesperson for the Environmental Protection Agency, explains that the return to old, outdated political initiatives is intended to demonstrate that the Bush Administration understands the importance of recycling. Discussing the Bush Moon program, he exclaims, "Everything that's old is new again!"
So, the Bush Administration is not just seeking to re-invent the Apollo Program, sending a manned space capsule to the Moon, again. In coming weeks, the Bush Administration also intends to announce the following technological projects:
New Political Technology
The key technological challenges in Bush's new space race will be political. The last time America sent people to the Moon, the price tag was 100 billion dollars, in current value. How will the Bush Moon team gather such money together, in a time when the Bush Administration has already created the largest budget deficits in history and swelled the size of the federal government beyond all previously known boundaries?
Part of Mr. Bush's initiative will be to have NASA come up with new, space-age political technology that will convince the American public that there's plenty of money in the federal budget for a new space initiative to send people to go live on a moonbase, but there's just not enough money for Bush to follow through on his promises to fund the No Child Left Behind Act, or reinstate the funding Bush cut for children's hospitals.
"It will be difficult," explained Karl Rove, Chief Political Engineer on Bush's Moon Team, "but I believe that, with a few billion dollars of taxpayer money funneled into secret accounts, we can come up with the bold new political technology required for this mission."
Political scientists in the White House anticipate a need for a whole array of new devices, such as anti-matter spin chambers in which to isolate journalists, hyperbolic ray guns capable of amplifying any insignificant fact into an impending threat 100 times its original size, and even superconducting neuro-anvils that will have the ability to warp the space-time continuum so that a team of White House specialists can hammer a negative news story out of the memory of American voters.
The Sarcastic Resistance is Forming
Shockingly, not all Americans have been swept into ecstatic bursts of transcendent enthusiasm by Bush's promise to send people back to the Moon. Some Americans, shockingly, are even making fun of Bush's new obsession with outer space.
One group, for example, calls itself the Sarcastic Moon Liberation Front. They claim that George W. Bush's Moon Program is nothing more than a shameful attempt to distract American voters from the disasters that the Bush Administration has created back here on Earth. They cite the greatest loss of jobs (millions upon millions) in generations, the accelerated destruction of the global environment, the spread of secrecy and government spying upon private American citizens, and the misconceived, mishandled, misleading invasion and occupation of Iraq.
In response, the Sarcastic Moon Liberation Front is distributing a series of bumper stickers, t-shirts, tote bags and coffee mugs. These items all bear images suggesting that, instead of spending billions of dollars to send a crew of astronauts to the Moon, we ought to use current technology to send George W. Bush to the Moon, with no return ticket.
These items are as follows:
People used to exclaim, "Shoot the Moon!" Now it seems more likely for American taxpayers to say, "Shoot! The Moon?!?"
Earth to Bush: We've got bigger priorities here at home than playing Buzz Lightyear.
Send Bush to the Moon Bumper Sticker
Send Bush to the Moon Tote Bag
Send Bush to the Moon T-shirt
Send Bush to the Moon Large Coffee Mug
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