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George W.'s Surprise Press Conference:
Announcing the War On Evil Here At Home

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Yesterday afternoon, George W. Bush, who has distinguished his term in the White House in large part through a striking pattern of withholding information from the press and the public, held a surprise press conference in order to address what he referred to as "the agenda for the war on evil here at home". The following is a full transcript of the event.



George W. Bush:

Thank you for coming here on such short notice. I know that you're all very busy people, so let's try to keep this short, okay?

I want to start out with an announcement. I held a meeting with the Joint Chiefs of Staff this morning, and they have assured me that our military, the most powerful in the world, has fully defeated the forces of evil in Afghanistan. The poor, oppressed people of this most unfortunate nation are now free from the heavy hand of evil, and I am happy to announce that Afghanistan is now a good country with only good people in it. I have already notified the Pope, who has agreed to pass on the message to his superior in turn. God bless Afghanistan!

In light of this development, I want to remind the American people that we are still at war and will be at war for a good long time. Our enemies form the Axis Of Evil that I talked about during my State of the Union. I'm not saying that we're going to use military force against this Axis of Evil right away, although as Commander in Chief I do keep that option, especially given the approval of Congress last fall for the effort to pursue and punish evil wherever I think it might be hiding out.

Also, I want to announce the establishment of an official White House office of Homeland Goodness, which will have the special mission of advising me, my cabinet, and the American people in the war on evil here at home. Later this week, John Ashcroft will introduce the first Director of Homeland Goodness, who will keep track of evil within our nation's borders and coordinate the efforts of a variety of federal agencies, ensuring that America's federal, state and local governments promote goodness and fight evil in the most efficient manner possible.

Any questions? Frank?

Frank Wurdst, Wall Street Times:

Thank you, Mr. President. What will be the first target in the war on evil here at home?

George W. Bush:

Well, we've got several possibilities, and my advisors and I are in consultation to decide where we'll move first. Condoleeza Rice has suggested that we target sloth, for example.

Frank Wurdst, Wall Street Times:

Sloths?

George W. Bush:

No, no. Sloth. You know, being lazy and stuff like that. She's brought me some pretty compelling evidence that every hour spent not working amounts to lost profits for a potential employer. In fact, several companies in Canada and Mexico have cited our country's lax laws that legalize unemployment as factors in their inability to maximize their potential profits. Under Chapter Eleven in the North American Free Trade Agreement, that's considered "tantamount to expropriation", and Mexican and Canadian corporations can sue us for all the money they're not making because of all of those pesky labor laws that the liberals have put in place. Well, it's pretty clear to me that all these labor regulations are nothing more than big government. Where I'm from in Texas, we don't particularly go for that kind of intrusion into our lives. Our nation is a great nation, and it's evils like sloth that threaten our way of life. It's time that the culture of If-It-Feels-Good-Do-It from the 1960s was served notice that all this lolly-gagging will not stand! It's time we all pitch in and work at least a good fifty or sixty hours a week.

Earnest Smith, Los Angeles Post:

Mr. President, would you consider expanding the war on evil here at home beyond your proposed attacks against sloth?

George W. Bush:

You know, I want to remind people that the war on evil here at home will be a long war, and it will involve a lot of battles that the American people may never find out about. We may strike out against sloth first, but we have other targets in mind as well.

Earnest Smith, Los Angeles Post:

For example?

George W. Bush:

Well, Don Rumsfeld was thinking about an airstrike against lying, like all the lies that are told about me on television. Some pretty nasty jokes about me from Dave Letterman, for example. Then there's that book where some guy accuses me of using cocaine when I was younger. I mean, that stuff just isn't true, you know? It's evil to lie about people like that.

Now, Dick Cheney and some of his assistants suggested that we could target the Congressional General Accounting Office as part of the war against evil here at home, you know, for sticking its nose into his business, what with the way they wanted to know who served on his secret energy policy committee. Fact is, though, that we've got some internal disagreement about whether sticking your nose into somebody else's business is actually evil. I've got a conference call with Billy Graham about that one later this afternoon.

Rich Voights, American Money News:

What about Enron, sir? Will the government be targetting the executive officers of Enron as part of your war against evil here at home? The evidence seems to point to their involvement in stealing money that should have gone into workers' retirement funds. Surely that's evil, isn't it?

George W. Bush:

Well now, I consider that whole affair at Enron to be more a part of the genius of capitalism, you know. The wise get their reward and those people who lack the initiative to make sure that their employers have good financial status, well, their investment is right-sized. Enron's employees made a bad decision when they chose to work there, and the genius of capitalism is that they get to pay the consequences. It's the way things ought to be. You know, Ken Lay is a good friend of mine, a good golfing buddy of mine for years now, and I can assure you that he is not evil.

Rich Voights, American Money News:

How do you know that for sure?

George W. Bush:

Well, it's kind of like when I met with Mr. Putin, you know, the President of Russia or the Prime Minister or the Czar or something like that. Well, I just looked into his soul when we met and I knew right away that he was a good guy. You've just got to look a man in the eye. That's what my Dad used to say.

Wanda Nag, Juneau Free Press:

What about the allegations that Enron gained privileged access to the White House because of the hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign donations that you've received from Enron and its executives?

George W. Bush:

Campaign donations from Enron? Um, well, you know, it's at times like these that I'm reminded of the courage that Americans all over, firemen and police officers from New York City, our brave young fighting men and women who have placed themselves in harm's way so that we can enjoy the freedoms that we hold so dear. Make no mistake: we will stand firm in the struggle against terrorism, wherever it may be!

Otto Feshupt, Houston Telegram:

But what about Enron, sir? How do you answer the charges that Vice President Dick Cheney is using executive privilege as an excuse to cover up the undue influence of Enron, a corporation which profits from complex energy trading schemes, in the development of the National Energy Policy?

George W. Bush:

When Osama Bin Laden and his network of evil declared war against America, they thought that we'd just run and hide. They didn't count on the fact that here in America we love our freedom. I promise you this: the good American citizens who died on September 11 did not die in vain!

Otto Feshupt, Houston Telegram:

Sir, with all due respect, you're not answering the question. How do you expect the collapse of Enron, along with charges of criminal activity there, affect your campaign to hold on to the White House two years from now, given the fact that Enron was by far your largest contributor to your presidential campaign against Al Gore in 2000 and the fact that Enron gave more money to your campaign than to any other political campaign ever, including over 100,000 dollars to your inaugural fund and 10,000 dollars to your Florida vote recount committee from Enron CEO Ken Lay and his wife alone?

George W. Bush:

Osama Bin Laden is an evil man, but we are winning the war for freedom! We have learned in the last six months that evil is real, but united we stand!

Hugh Crims, The Washington Constitution:

Mr. President, that's not what we're asking about! Senator Hollings from South Carolina says that your administration is an "Enron government", staffed with an overwhelming number of former executives, consultants and major stockholders from Enron and its accounting firm, Arthur Anderson, including the Secretary of the Army, Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, top presidential advisor Karl Rove...

George W. Bush:

return to irregulartimes.comHomeland security! National defense! Evil terrorist conspiracy! Osama Bin Laden! September 11! Taliban! God Bless America!

Many reporters:

Mr. President...

George W. Bush:

Oops, I'm late for a national security meeting about how to thwart the forces of darkness. Got to run! This press conference is over. Thanks for coming! Bye bye!


- End of transcript -




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