A Compassionate Conservative?

If this is compassionate, what does compassionate mean?

Last year during his campaign, George W. Bush proudly announced that he was a compassionate conservative. Some Americans picked up on the ironic suggestion that conservatives are not usually compassionate, but most were distracted by the alliteration and the odd, pained look on the younger Bush's face as he made his announcement. The promise was clear: conservatives are not compassionate, so if Bush is a compassionate conservative, that means he'll be a non-conservative conservative, right?

As the American people have learned in spades since W.'s inauguration, compassionate conservatism looks just the same as plain, old-fashioned uncompassionate conservatism. Why Bush doesn't even say "I'm sorry" as he works to keep arsenic in our water, put greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, see polluters protected and national parks disected, make the rich richer and the poor poorer, wage a new Cold War, fund a Star Wars budget in the billions that after 14 years still hasn't produced a single success, undermine the first amendment's separation of church and state, disengage from peace negotiations worldwide, kill energy conservation programs curse California and cull caribou to put oil drills in wildlife refuges ... ack, my throat is getting sore and I've just got started! You get the point, right? Compassion is the last thing that the Bush administration has shown us so far.

It's clear that candidate George W. Bush didn't mean it literally when he promised to be compassionate. What did he mean, then? Such a riddle can only be answered by calling upon the ancient and mysterious power of the anagram. By reshuffling the letters that make up the word "compassionate", we may be able to find the hidden meaning behind the present president's poisoned promise.

What Does the "Compassionate" in "Compassionate Conservatism Really Mean?

Well, first of all it's important to find out just who George W. Bush truly feels compassion for. When he spoke about being compassionate out on the campaign trail, most of us assumed that he meant that he'd work on being sensitive to the needs of the average American. Oh, that it were so. If we had only paid attention to the anagrams, we would have learned that although Bush Jr. claimed to be compassionate, he was really

A PAC monies sot!

A sot. Bush's drunk driving follies became well known just last fall, but what we didn't know is that George W. would drive the nation drunk on the policies demanded by his corporate campaign contributors. Turns out Bush would only be compassionate to people with money, like the rich kids who get millions of dollars of inheritance money to play with but don't want to pay any taxes, or the airlines who want the president they paid for fair and square to outlaw their workers from going on strike, or the clearcut logging corporations who wanted to cut down more of our National Forests. Oh yes, the distributors of food for school lunches, the president would be compassionate to them too, when they complained that it cost them too much to test the meat they'd feed to children for salmonella contamination. What a bleeding-heart conservative, our president has turned out to be!

Of course, the president would be especially compassionate to his old friends and employers in the petroleum companies from his childhood vacation-home state, Texas. Why, when the executives in big oil companies found out that the Supreme Court had selected their buddy George W. to be the next president, they toasted him by proclaiming,

Ma OPEC, it's a son!

Finally, a president who would understand the needs to burn as much fossil fuel as possible! It turns out that when George W. Bush labelled himself "compassionate", he was secretly sending out the message,

Set a spin, Amoco!

No longer would the nation's environmental policy be set by nutty-headed scientists and people who care more about the environment than they do about tar, coal and crude oil. No, from now on the political spin would come from the oil companies. Boy, has the president lived up to his promise, unilaterally destroying the Kyoto treaty on global warming, threatening to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling platforms, and characterizing energy conservation as an outdated pasttime from the 1970s.

Are there any other hidden messages in the anagrams of Bush's self-labelling as "compassionate"? You bet! To some people, the new president's quick moves to dismantle the separation of church and state came as a surprise, but not to those schooled in the art of the anagram. It's clear to see thta when then-Texas governor George called himself "compassionate", he was sending out the encoded warning,

Opiate! Mass con!

Anyone who's familiar with George W.'s sharp mind and keen wit can see that he was making a creatively-worded reference to Karl Marx's description of religion as "the opiate of the masses", and expressing his own private glee at the deceptively innocent appearance of his plans to slowly but surely convert the United States from a democracy to a theocracy, using government money to educate children in religious doctrine in church-run institutions, encouraging government employees to lead mass prayer sessions in public schools, and switching federal funding from government social services to church groups that often link receipt of food, shelter and other benefits to participation in religious rituals. "Compassionate", he calls it, and if his conservative church-state is anything like the others the Earth has seen through history, we'll have to pray for compassion!

In the old days, Republicans ran their presidential campaigns by bringing up the fear of the great enemy, the evil Soviet empire. What's a flag-waving G.O.P boy to do these days, with no foreign country filled with funny-looking people to hate? Create a new one, of course! When George W. Bush promised to be "compassionate", he actually was promising a search for a new enemy: China. Petulantly, he complained, can't we just...

Stomp Asia once?

With his cryptic expression of this basic question, George W. Bush let us know that if he became president, he wanted to play. What's the use of having all those cool tanks and bombers and guns and toy soldiers if you can't ever use them? Bush seems not to be pleased that he missed out on all the great opportunities to bravely face down foreign leaders. Well, Russia's no good any more - can't even stand up straight, much less put up a fight. Even Iraq refuses to play shoot 'em up. Who's left to pick a fight with but China? Remember, Bush is from Texas, where there's a tradition of stringin' people up and having duels and carrying concealed weapons. Oh, only if the rest of the world were like Texas, laments Bush, he'd have those Commie Chinos (is that what they call 'em?) up against a wall. "Compassionate"? No, what Bush really was telling was that he wanted to create a foreign policy where...

Mao sat in Pecos

The code of the Wild West, yessir! None of this international diplomacy crap from those wussy suits back East, not for George W. Bush, who believes it's our enemies who make us strong. It's time for a new, Chino Cold War!

Even more shocking is the truth that we've suspected all along: that it's not George W. Bush who's making these policy decisions and sending out these secret anagram messages at all! There's someone pulling his strings, telling him what to say. Is George W. "compassionate"? Not if you believe the anagram,

Tip: Son as cameo!

return to irregulartimes.comAdmit it, you're not surprised. We all know who the real President is, and this anagram shows it to be true: it's the same George Bush we voted out of office in 1992! George W. Bush is just a puppet, required to make cameo appearances in his own presidency. The problem is that his daddy is forced to pretend that he's retired, so in reality that leaves the White House cabinet members to run the show all on their own. Now we can see why there's been so much confusion in the White House. First, EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman says that the administration will cut carbon dioxide emissions, then the word comes from the White House that no, carbon dioxide emissions are good for the economy. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld says that we're cutting military ties with China, but then is corrected by someone in the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney tells the world that energy conservation is just a bunch of 1970s hoo-hah, but then a White House press release explains that he didn't really mean it that way. Why, the presidential puppet master is confident enough to correct even the President. When George W. proclaimed that the U.S military would do "whatever it takes" to defend Taiwan from China, his own White House sent out a later message of clarification explaining that the President didn't know what he was talking about.

It shouldn't shock us that the elder President Bush is now in charge, sending out secret messages in anagrams to the American people through the public speeches of his own pretend-president son. After all, George Herbert Walker Bush spent years working as the head of the C.I.A., and spies are used to doing this code stuff all the time. What secret anagram messages can we expect from the White House next? Stay tuned to Anagram Studies from Irregular Times for updates on this cryptic crunch from the crooked crown of King George the Second.

Return to the Irregular Times Anagram Studies

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