The Ribald Reign of King George the Second

Why I'm a Democrat With Guns


by an American-in-Exile-at-Home (guest contributor)

I'm a liberal in most ways, but not all. Enough to at least put me solidly in the "left-leaning Moderate" category. Now, I'm solid Dem, I think I cast one Repug vote in the last two even-year elections. Since impeachment and the stolen election I'm so firmly in the Democratic camp you couldn't pry me out with a crowbar. And I don't mind worrying about the few issues that I do have disagreements with my party because quite obviously the alternative is a horror show. An issue, like guns. Now I don't want to rave or argue about gun control. It's a difficult issue and clearly something must be done, but nobody knows what. Further, I'm not a huge fan of them. I don't think I've shot one of mine in close to six years (better remember to oil them), but I'm happy they're there because I'm also a Jew. That means that I have strong feelings about fascism, and I quail when I watch people go without a fight to their doom. 12,000,000 Non-Jews and Jews perished like that.

Because my grandparents escaped Russia in 1920, I was spared that horror and raised an American. And I'm afraid I have a typically American male, macho view of that type of situation. When I used to fantasize as a kid, it would often be about being one of those brave little Warsaw Ghetto rats, fighting and killing Nazis among the rubble, so that when I grew up, I learned gun safety, purchased a couple guns, and stowed them away largely. In the back of my mind, as ridiculous as it often seemed then, I said to myself, "because I don't want to go down quietly if the Nazis come. I want to be able to run away and join the Resistance."

Now, relax a moment, I'm not going on a shooting spree. Even the fraudulent theft of the election is not a signal for all-out revolution. Far from it. Mostly our lives are very good, even now. Democracy isn't dead, it's only injured and defiled. If enough people speak loud enough in 2002 and 2004, maybe it can go back to "serious, but stable" condition. But my ironclad belief that "it could never happen here" has been severely shaken, perhaps stricken forever...though I hope not.

You see, it probably won't be you that will have to take your engine of destruction out of mothballs and use it to attempt to regain your basic liberties. It will be your children, or more likely their children or even the Unlucky Generation to be born in 2040, who will have to take up this brutal business.

Because we're all just kidding ourselves, Fellow Americans, if we think the Republicans are going to lick their chops and be satisfied with this small victory. Remember that their party, back to Nixon, has aimed for nothing less than total domination of the political process and destruction of Democrats, by whatever means fair or foul. This, more than hush money or CIA spying, was what Nixon's action were about. And Bush the Smarter was his CIA director, a man accustomed to seeing the "big picture."

Right Wingers throughout history from Atilla the Hun to Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump have always been driven by single-minded success and the desire to keep going until all the work was done (i.e. the prey was consumed, the city sacked, all the enemy killed, whatever...). This is their driving philosophy; their life's credo. They can no more divorce themselves from this "go for the jugular" ethic than they could march in a Gay Pride parade. So they won't stop attacking democracy, devising more elaborate strategies to subvert it in plain sight of everyone, the continued pursuit of "conservatizing the nation" by wresting utter control of all levels of the judiciary, rigging future elections and doing whatever they please, regardless of the Will of the American People. I have no doubts on those scores, and you shouldn't either, fellow Americans.

So I say this, given that the state of gun regulation is currently lax, anyone who belongs to a despised group and fears for their future rights should go out and get one right now. If you hate guns and all they stand for, lock it away in a chest with three locks and buy two trigger locks. Buy a bunch of ammunition and put it in an airtight locked case. Stow it in the deepest basement with the words, "Gardening Equipment", and don't think about it again. In this case, do what the Repugs do, if you can, push away your conscience and the little voice whispering "hypocrite". Until the day when you explain the situation to your grown-up children, and pass on what you pray that they will never have to use. On one thing, even if it's only one, the NRA is right: A gun is a person's or family's last line of defense against governmental tyranny.

Up until Dec. 12, 2000, I never thought it could happen here. I still think it's very possible that it won't happen here.

But is it possible that some kind of totalitarian regime could rise up and become our government, either partially or totally abrogating the Bill of Rights (though I'm sure an army of right-wing pundits and spin doctors will relentlessly reassure the masses of their nonexistent "freedoms") during the next 99 years of the 21st Century?

It most certainly is, my friends, it most certainly is.


Additional absurdities straight from His Majesty's Royal T-ball Field can also be found at the official website of The Ribald Reign of King George the Second.

Absurd times call for Absurd poetry. Check out Bush Haiku.

These aren't just absurd times, they're irregular times.

Don't let us do all the talking. Talk back!
Send us an Irregular Retort!

We're eager for your contribution, so submit your irregular essay for publication!