Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

I’ve done it again, dear reader. I am a testament to the wonder of God’s creation. I am proof that humanity is intelligently designed. I am, in short, really smart.

How can I say this? Well, it’s true. I have regularly solved the world’s problems by simply using the brainpower given to me by Our Lord God. And — voila — the answer comes! Thank you, Lord, for making me such a good problem-solver. I am happy to be your humble servant as I bring the answers to the little people of the world.

My latest Opus is the partial solution of the problem of the Budget Deficits in Washington, DC, those nasty bills left over from the Clinton years like a drying, cracked stain on a once-beautiful dress. The problem is that the Government spends more than it collects in taxes. The National Park Service alone had a budget of $2,259,000,000.00 in the year 2004 alone. To get rid of the budget deficit, we have to cut spending, and the National Park Service seems to me to be a great way to start. After all, there are no factories in the National Parks. There are no corporate headquarters in the National Parks. Industry benefits in no way whatsoever from our National Parks. So why have them at all?

I suggest we do two things:

1. Sell off the National Parks to the highest bidder. Let someone pay to buy Yellowstone and turn it into some kind of green hippy eco-commune geothermal power plant. Let someone pay to buy the Great Smokies National Park and put up a Great Smokies Smoked Sausage hog farm and factory there; it’s a great branding opportunity. I figure we’ll get a couple hundred $billion that way, which will go a long way to shrinking the budget deficit next year.

2. Take the National Park Service out of the budget. With no national parks, why have a National Park Service? So that some slacker pot-head Environmental Studies major can get a welfare job as a park ranger? I don’t think so. There we go: that’s $2.3 Billion saved every year!

Some Unitarian out there is going to give me a hard time about now. Let’s call him “Alastair CareBear.” Alastair CareBear the Unitarian will say, “but what about the wonder and awe these great places inspire? Without these outposts for nature, how can humanity maintain its soul, its connection with the earth and the great circle of life that I learned about in The Lion King?” Barf. It’s called A LAWN, you twit. If you don’t have enough awe and reverence for nature, GET A BIGGER LAWN.

But really, you don’t even need a lawn if you know that the true source of awe, wonder and reverence is God. All you need is a Bible and your behind in the pews on Sunday to get all the awe, wonder, reverence and SALVATION that you need, Mr. CareBear. I hope you discover the truth of that statement before your dying day, but that’s not for me, His Humble Servant, to control. Let Go and Let God, Alastair.

Let Go and Let God. Yes, that should be our new National Parks policy. Faith-Based National Parks! Before they pave over the Grand Tetons, someone take a slideshow and they can show it in all the Churches as a testament to God’s power. Then pave ‘em over, because who needs the originals when you’ve got a slideshow? Take the park names off the Rand McNally Atlases so nobody can find the parks anymore. And then the Reverends can explain how wonderful it is that these parks are there, but nobody can find them, and when someone asks for directions, what do we say?

“Ah! It is a Mystery! Let us proclaim the Mystery of Faith!”

Works every time — and cuts the national budget, too.

Faith-Based National Parks!

Thank you, Lord, for bestowing me with sheer Genius!