Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Report to Stations! Orange Alert! Whoop!

What’s that you’re saying? “I don’t have a station to report to?” Nonsense! This is a War on Terror, people, which means your battle station is right here on the Home Front! Your job, people, is to find the terrorists in our midst. None of this namby-pamby liberal hand-wringing, now. It’s inexcusable in these dangerous times. YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR DOG are under direct attack by the communist terrorists, the homosexual foreigners, the marauding moonbats. So here’s what you need to do:

1. Get up on your feet, and to everyone you meet, say “Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello.”
2. Look for that squinty, shifty look in your neighbor’s eyes. Also look for brown skin and lack of crucifixion jewelry. Does your neighbor carry a liquid substance (explosive)? Do they fail to mow their lawn? Do they eat organic food?
3. If you encounter any of the above, call 1-800-FL-CHIPS and tell the good people at Frito-Lay about your neighbor’s involvement with terrorism. I’m sure they’ll appreciate your diligence and let the nice people at Homeland Security know right away.

Yes, friends, it’s up to you to stop the wave of terror that laps at our ankles, like a kiddie pool brimming with pee, like a dog that’s figured out you spilled mustard on your legs, like your boyfriend that one time, back in ‘93, when he tied you up and… at any rate, you know what I’m saying here: UNLESS YOU FREAK OUT and GET PARANOID, the terrorists win! So report on your neighbor today: call 1-800-FL-CHIPS and let the snack food industry know about the threat on your block.

Orange Alert! Now more than ever. United We Stand. Semper Fi. These Colors Don’t Run. Have You Forgotten?