Advice From God

November 2007
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I just wanted to let you all know that I've started an advice column because I think I have had some experiences that other people might find informative. Go ahead and ask me whatever you like, and I'll try to respond.

Hi. I’m God. I live up on a cloud that crosses many countries and continents, and so I guess you could say that I’m a citizen of the world.

I just wanted to let you all know that I’ve started an advice column because I think I have had some experiences that other people might find informative. Go ahead and ask me whatever you like, and I’ll try to respond.

Well, as they say, I just wanted to put that out there in the universe.

Date: November 5, 2007

Author: God

Categories: religion, video

Tags:

(433 votes, average: 3.16 out of 5)

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Iroquois Purple Dingo

in November 5th, 2007 @ 20:46

Oh My God Yes!
1) I have always heard that God is invisible, being pure spirit, but in the picture God looks exactly like jclifford, complete with chin dimple, only with the mouth backward. When I try to play the video I see nothing, not even a disclaimer that says some quicktime software is missing. So maybe God is invisible after all.
2) My love life is practically nonexistent. Well, actually it is nonexistent. I read Irregular Times every day. Is there a cause and effect correlation here and do I need to get a life?
3) What about the Ralpharian Way of the Purple Peruvian Dingo?
http://irregulartimes.com/diaries/2007/08/irregular-spirituality-a-new-prophet-rises/
Are their claims about chocolate on the up and up? Should I listen to them?
4) How do we know you are the Real McCoy? I notice you do not have paypal or ask for money. That sets off a lot of warning bells right there.

Oh, yeah and I see your website is moderated. What’s with that?
jclifford

in November 5th, 2007 @ 20:59

Maybe moderation is God’s way of separating the sheep from the goats, or the wheat from the chaff, or the stripes from the solids.
God

in November 5th, 2007 @ 21:02

And Lo, a follower prayed to me, and I appeared as a YouTube Video, and there was much gnashing of teeth, until I said, “Hey, wait a minute, that’s not good for your enamel!”. And Lo, there much brushing and flossing, and rinsing with flouride mouthwash.

And the YouTube video was there, and it was good.

Wait, and all answers will be given to you.
Iroquois

in November 5th, 2007 @ 22:06

Yea, verily, the You-tube was manifest in the flesh and it was good.

I have had many a haroof-burger in the lands of the Bible, and I can tell you from personal experience when they separate the sheep from the goats, the sheep get eaten.

I notice in this video god is male. Isn’t this just a case of man creating god in his own image?

Obviously there’s some discrepancies here–check out Exodus 33:18-23….
http://www.ibs.org/niv/passagesearch.php?tniv=yes&passage_request=%20Exodus%2033
It says you cannot see the face of God, and yet the video claims to show it.
God

in November 6th, 2007 @ 07:07

Well, then, Exodus is wrong, isn’t it?

Are you implying that the person who produced this video is a god too, or that the person is a cartoon who lives at high elevation? This whole “in his own image” thing has me confused.
Iroquois

in November 6th, 2007 @ 18:22

An old saying, “God created Man in his own image and Man, being a gentleman, returned the favor.”

But I have heard that God is female, and her name is Sophia (wisdom). The New Age people may talk about the Goddess, but the concept is much older and goes back into pre-history. This was mostly purged a long time ago, but is still in some places of the Bible. She shows up in the NT as the holy spirit (with feminine PLURAL pronoun), in the OT as Sophia, in place names (the huge church in Constantinople bearing her name)and in Islam, as in the traditional Islamic form of addressing the deity (allahu al-akbar).

I am implying that if you don’t have breasts, you’re not really God.
jclifford

in November 6th, 2007 @ 20:25

No, no, Sophia lives down the street from me, and she’s no goddess.

Arguing against one thing by insisting on its opposite misses a lot of more interesting possibilities. Like, if there were a God, which is doubtful, why not say that God is a moss?
Iroquois

in November 7th, 2007 @ 01:01

I’ve always known that men were a little bit, well, you know,…quirky, but as far as considering the opposite of “wisdom” to be “men”, that’s going a bit too far. The opposite of “wisdom” could be “moss” though, now that I think of it.

But doesn’t something capable of creating a universe need to be sentient? Or am I missing some little known fact about moss.
God

in November 7th, 2007 @ 09:16

Indeed. Why do you think I made moss before I made men?

But, even more holy is the holly. I grow red berries now and then myself. It gets rid of itches.
Iroquois

in November 9th, 2007 @ 00:46

Holly? Aren’t the berries supposed to be poison? And aren’t they sacred to Saturn.

I should think you would start out small, creating something simple like moss, then move to something more confusing like men, then finally after getting the kinks out of the rough draft, you would go for creating something with more finesse, like woman. But that’s just how I would go about doing it.

Under my horoscope this week the oracle says:

In this world, there is a person who could ask you the precise question you need to hear in order to catalyze the next phase of your evolution. Do what’s necessary to run into that person.

In some spiritual traditions, devotees attempt an arduous process of self-transformation as they retrain themselves to perceive the world from God’s point of view. If they succeed, they’re honored with an initiation ritual and given a new name to consecrate their altered state.
Iroquois

in November 9th, 2007 @ 00:51

oops, one more time
Iroquois

in November 9th, 2007 @ 00:51

Holly? Aren’t the berries supposed to be poison? And aren’t they sacred to Saturn.

I should think you would start out small, creating something simple like moss, then move to something more confusing like men, then finally after getting the kinks out of the rough draft, you would go for creating something with more finesse, like woman. But that’s just how I would go about doing it.

Under my horoscope this week the oracle says:

In this world, there is a person who could ask you the precise question you need to hear in order to catalyze the next phase of your evolution. Do what’s necessary to run into that person.

And the Aries oracle (Jesus may be a Capricorn, but isn’t God an Aries?) for the week of this article:

In some spiritual traditions, devotees attempt an arduous process of self-transformation as they retrain themselves to perceive the world from God’s point of view. If they succeed, they’re honored with an initiation ritual and given a new name to consecrate their altered state.

So I took God’s advice:

http://advicefromgod.com/blog/2007/11/05/see-the-love-in-sears/#comment-32080

and went to BOTH Sears and Home Depot. Then I realized I don’t know how to recognize love, even imaginary love. I am now at a complete loss. It would take someone who is both omniscient AND omnipotent to sort it all out.

But wait, shouldn’t I be looking for money instead?
Iroquois

in November 11th, 2007 @ 10:22

If God is all-powerful, why can’t He get the IT smurfs to put His advice column link in their widgets?

This is the WILL OF GOD, people, and you’re not making it available to the huddled masses.
jclifford

in November 12th, 2007 @ 17:25

Widgets? What are these widgets of which you speak?
Iroquois

in November 13th, 2007 @ 23:09

It’s like this. You’ve got the Marmot sponsors in one corner. Then you’ve got the Ads by Smeagol. But where are your Values? You guys keep saying atheists have values, progressives have values, but most of your space is devoted either to fun or to ripping the conservatives to shreds. Not that those aren’t both worthy endeavors, but do consider that as your content changes you might want to update the sidebars as well.

You have two remarkable opportunities. First you have convinced God to come on board and write a few Clemensey Letters From The Earth. But do you put it above the fold? Heck no. For now, it’s still available on the first page without clicking, but how long do you think that’s going to last after a few Iraq body count posts, or heaven forbid, the Dattaswami gets loquacious again. What if someone gets attached to these little missives and wants to read them every day? They’re SOL, aren’t they. Might as well get The Upper Room and read those devotions.

The second opportunity is about sacred space, or maybe in your case, secular space. I don’t know, you have to define it. What I’m talking about is how you can walk into some ancient temple or cathedral and get a sense of quiet about the place. It is said the bedouins don’t need mosque to pray in because they have the desert. Same thing. Your little geography poems capture the sense of that space and a particular moment in time. But if you can find one of those poems–like maybe the one about the peeling paint on the building by the water–the “related links” don’t lead to the others. I have always thought those poems should be together. I don’t like poetry at all but I like those for the sense they evoke. Not at all like Jim’s jingles, like the three little kitten pandering nonsense–sorry Jim, it might be satire, but it’s not poetry. Jim’s rewrite of the pledge of allegiance might qualify though.

You know who I miss? American Mick. He always had a way of phrasing things that made me say yes, that’s what we are as a country.
jclifford

in November 14th, 2007 @ 08:38

Thanks for the advice. I’m going to copy this out and see what can be done to implement the essence of what you’re talking about. Please do understand that we’re not programming geeks, though… but I’ll do my best.
Iroquois

in November 14th, 2007 @ 09:37

I was just ruminating. Sometimes I do that just to see if anyone will give me a reality check. Still if this is a feature that’s going to be kept up and not quickly exhausted like sin nickel, a link would be nice. There is a lot of heart here, but not in some of the stuff that passes for religious dogma, and it would be nice to find a way to recognize that.
Iroquois

in November 17th, 2007 @ 16:38

Dear God,
In Jim’s piece yesterday about Day 2 of the Georgia governor’s public prayers for rain, he says “Maybe thereâ€™s a processing delay up in Heaven, you know, like a bandwidth issue, or a spam filter, or something else like that.” How long would someone have to wait to see if their prayers were going to be answered? I mean do you get breaks or time and a half on weekends or anything like that?
Blue Cowgirl

in December 29th, 2007 @ 10:04

Last week when we had the big snow, I grabbed a pair of old cowboy boots to go out and shovel because I didn’t want to get my good sneakers wet. Last night I went to clean the salt off of the boots because it’s started snowing again, and it got me started thinking about presidential candidate Huckabee’s thousand dollar cowboy boots that he got from a political contributor and also about his thousand dollar cuff links.

The whole neighborhood saw me shoveling snow in cowboy boots–but without cufflinks. I wonder if I haven’t committed some sort of fashion faux paus. Even worse, Huckabee is a man of the cloth, and he knows Stuff, so now I’m thinking maybe I have committed some sort of Sin. My employer’s ethics rules don’t allow me to accept any gifts with a value higher than $75, so I doubt if anyone is going to give me any pricey cufflinks anytime soon, at least not before I have to shovel again. I’m in a quandry.

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Iroquois Purple Dingo

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jclifford

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