Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

The University of North Carolina, the University of Kansas, the University of Memphis and the University of California at Los Angeles got the top seeds of 2008. This is a terribly important story that people around the country have been waiting to hear about for weeks now.

Here’s what the different schools got:

The University of North Carolina got 100 of only 500 existing seeds from a marigold that was bred for the first time last year outside of Texarkana. These marigolds change the color of their flowers according to surrounding air temperature, so that they start out the day a deep red, but show bright yellow color in the heat of the afternoon.

The University of Kansas got 25 seeds for self-carving pumpkins. These pumpkins don’t need to be carved in order to make jack o’lanterns. The grow with holes for a face already in place.

The University of Memphis got industrial hemp seeds. You know how you’ve heard proponents of legalizing industrial hemp talk about how hemp plants, unlike marijuana, have almost no THC? Well, these industrial hemp seeds grow plants that do have a lot of THC. That’s what makes them so valuable.

Finally, UCLA got seeds for glow-in-the-dark cucumbers. These genetically modified seeds make it completely unnecessary for police to use flashlights to direct traffic at night. They can also be carried by truckers, in case of breakdown, instead of flares. Also expect these glow-in-the-dark cucumbers to be sold by teenagers wearing funny hats at Fourth of July fireworks events, for the kids to run around with while waiting for dusk to finally settle.