Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

I am sick and tired of hearing the lieberals complain about how President Bush commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. No, I am worse than sick and tired about it. I am angry about it. Look, you cows, it’s simple:

1. God Speaks Through President Bush. Our President himself said “God speaks through me” during his 2004 re-election campaign, and I do not believe that our Commander in Chief is a liar. Therefore, it must be true.

2. President Bush spoke about the commutations, calling the sentence “excessive.”

3. People who disagree with President Bush’s commutation are calling God a liar.

I always knew that the lieberals in charge of our media hated God, and now I’ve just proved it. If you love God, you’ll never ever vote Democrat.

HRC = Hillary Rodham Clinton
HRC = Human Rights Campaign

You know what pisses me off about liberals? The fuckers just don’t know how to be civil. I don’t know how many goddamned times I’ve had to listen to stupid liberals whining and complaining about how President Bush has taken away their freedoms - as if they ever really used them in the first place, the liars. What’s the use of giving a liberal freedom of speech, however, if they’re going to waste it with speech that is blatantly disrespectful of the opinions of others?

Do those liberals really think that anyone’s listening? If they won’t be polite, they’ll never be recognized by the people that matter. Don’t expect them to refine their graces any time soon, though, the morons.

The lieberals are at it again, trying to distract from our nation’s most important Holy Days by naming new “holidays” (NOTE the changed spelling!) all over the place. The latest is World Day Against Child Labor, which happened earlier this week. First of all, it’s a WORLD holiday, not a national one, which is completely in sync with plans for One World Government of Gog and Magog. Second, it’s completely unsupportive of responsible parental choices. I had to set the table and darn the socks and sort the laundry when I was a child. What’s wrong with that? Are we treating out kids like some kind of veal, with muscles too tender for good old fashioned work? What’s wrong with asking your son to take out the trash he makes? For goodness sake! This secular liberal push for “holidays” promoting irresponsibility and laxity amongst our children — I’m sure while still giving them an allowance! — is taking us very close to the edge of tolerability.

I have just learned from one of my church friends that the liberal insurgents in our congregation are trying to get our pastor to lead us in activities related to Torture Awareness Month. “June is Torture Awareness Month!” they say. Not in my America, sister! In my America, we celebrate Flag Day and the Fourth of July, thank you very much!

It explains a lot about these liberals that they’ll try to spend all of June just being aware of torture. Think about that for a minute, will you? All these liberals are trying to think about torture all month long. It’s enough to send anyone into a state of profound moral depravity!

I, for one, think that it’s moral important for America to be humble. Yes, America may be torturing evildoers in secret prisons, but there’s a reason that those prisons are kept secret. Our government is trying to demonstrate humble leadership.

Sure, we’re torturing, but we don’t have to brag about it, do we? This torture awareness movement seems just too prideful, if you ask me.

Thank you, Baby Jesus, for sending us Congressman Virgil Goode of Virginia.

Did you know that on the $1 coin the GOVERNMENT has printed this year, the phrase “In God We Trust” is on the edge of the coin?

The LIEberal powers that be have put our God on the edge! Just hanging on! How long can God last there?

But Congressman Virgil Goode, guided by our dear sweet Baby Jesus (good Son that He is), has sponsored legislation to rectify the situation. H.R. 2510 is a bill that, if passed, would make it a matter of law that “In God We Trust” would only be printed on the face of America’s coinage.

This is an improvement. But it occurs to me that if “In God We Trust” is put on the front of a coin, it is smothered when the back of the coin. Smothering God? God forbid! At least I hope so. I mean I hope He forbids it, not that He is smothered, in His infinite wisdom.

Yes, God forbid. I do hope so. I hope that our dear sweet massively muscled Baby Jesus will send a new message down to our Rightly Righteous Congressman Virgil Goode, mandating a Holy Writ of Amendment to H.R. 2510 that the words “In God We Trust” shall be written on BOTH sides of America’s coinage. That way, the Word of our Lord and Savior shall always be apparent.

It has now been an entire day since I posted my challenge to the effete secular humanist academic cabal. Go ahead, I challenged them, I dare you to try and PROVE that God does not exist!

Not ONE limp-wristed, sushi-eating English professor has answered my challenge. And not one will do it now.

Let me repeat myself: CAN YOU PROVE THAT GOD DOES NOT EXIST?

Cowards! I think we know what they really believe in their hearts. So why don’t they just come out of their swishy closets right now and accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior?

A long time ago now, back in the summer of 2006, I wrote about the need for 425,000 mommies to put those poor little frozen blastocysts in their uteruses, adopt them and raise them as their own precious snowflake babies. I said I would hook people up with some of those cute blastocysts, if only they would leave a comment with their contact information. H-e-double-toothpicks, I’d just take your e-mail address! I said I was sure that all the good conservative Christian mommies with intact uteruses would be sure to offer their services. After all, we’re talking about saving a human life here! Those blastocysts are babies! And who wouldn’t save a baby???

It has been nearly a full year now. But nobody has volunteered.

Why? I hear all the time that these little snowflake blastocysts are just as much little human babies as a full-term baby. So where are the compliant and fecund conservative Christian women to save these little babies’ lives?

This is disgusting! Mary Cheney and Heather Poe have had a son together - just like that hammerhead shark that gave birth to a baby without ever being around a daddy hammerhead shark, right? No, even lesbians cannot engage in parthenogenesis. We engage in Genesis, like the Book of Genesis! With Adam and Eve, not Madam and Eve!

So, they’ve got a son, but do you know what those lesbians are going to teach him? They’re going to teach him to be attracted to women, just like his two mommies!

Mary Cheney’s son is going to be a lesbian, being homosexual even when he is sleeping around with women of the opposite sex, that little baby slut!

Oh, gag! I’ll go ahead and ask you, you lesbian-loving liberal, but you won’t like the way I ask you? I’ll have to ask you through a face mask so that I don’t get your woman loving cooties!

I am so sick of liberals being negative when it comes to our glorious war against terror.

Don’t they get it that people don’t want terror? Do we have to bash it through their head with a brick? I say that we wake the liberals up. Ordinary converstaion isn’t enough for them.

Liberals need to be scared. They need to be frightened in order to get them to support the war on terror. I say that we wake them up in the middle of the night and take them off to prison and show them videotapes of what terrorist do to people. I say that we terrify the liberals to get them to see the way the world really is. Then they’ll join us in our war against terrorists. It’s the only way!

Liberals, of course, will whine and complain. They’ll say that we’re using the tactics of those we oppose. Well, I don’t oppose the tactics, so I don’t know what they’re talking about, stupid liberals! Like, if I punch out a bully I’m wrong for using violence or something. As if!

Oh, war is a crime! Stop war! Do it now! Aren’t these liberals just like a bunch of spoiled toddlers? Stop the war now! No more criminal government! Wah, wah, wah! I want my pudding! Stop the killing! Diaper full!

Liberals need to stop being against things. They keep on talking about how they’re against war and against killing and against bombing and against torture and against invading other sovereign countries, and against war crimes.

Well, what are the liberals for? I mean, come on! What’s the alternative they suggest? There isn’t any alternative to war, which is why we’ll always need to be at war against evil. For the sake of peace, we cannot allow the naysayers to obstruct our troops as they march off to the war that, yes, is necessary!

These green green lima bean liberal econazis make me sick, what with their provocative global sexual cults and weird attachment to the idea of clean air and water. As if there is something inherently dirty about air and water!

Now I find this newest environmentalist wacko slogan: I don’t just hug trees. I kiss them too.

You kiss trees? Watch out for the splinter, spotted owl lover!

This tree loving nonsense has gone far enough. Gag me with a spoon - a good old fashioned metal spoon!

I found an article that really hits the nail on the head when it comes to the whole Al Bore global hot air thing. It’s called Why is it always the Planet with Environmentalists?

I am so sick of environmentalists talking about the planet. Planet this, planet that. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m tired of hearing about how much planet Earth is in trouble. Why should I work to save the planet when Osama Bin Laden is plotting to blow up the shopping mall down the street from me?

Well, this article asks the question, but it doesn’t have enough guts to get to the real answer.

Environmentalists are always talking about the planet because they’re really just a planet-worshipping cult. They believe that the Earth is a godess, and they hold orgiastic rituals to worship her, in what was foretold in prophecy as a sure sign of armageddon to come. Environmentalism is a cult, and its followers are a bunch of weirdos.

As for the planet, I say we allow market forces to determine whether it’s really worth keeping.

Traitor!

That’s all I have to say after reading this news on DemocraHATEic presidential candidate Bill Richardson:

At one point, asked a question about his heritage, Richardson offered to answer the question in either English or Spanish — then burst into French.

French! What gall! Everybody knows that Christopher Columbus, and Ponce De Leon, and Leif Ericson, and all the other first settlers of America, spoke ENGLISH! Leon, Christopher, and Eric are all English names (OK, Leif, he was a hippy. His sister was named Ivy.). Now we know what he’ll do the next time some Islamofascist terrorist comes along! Richardson will give him a pat on the head, and a welfare check, and a BAGUETTE! With QUESO on it!

Traitor!

Liberals never can understand the value of hard day’s work. They’re just lazy effette professors who want to keep their fingernails clean.

How do I know this? I read for myself, that’s how.

Liberals hate sweatshops. Everywhere they go, they call for no sweat in factories.

Really! They expect companies to employ people, but never ask the workers to break a sweat. Wimps!

I mean, if people don’t ever sweat in factories, then how will they ever lift big boxes? Will they have to have little boxes with doilies on them?

The socialist liberals with their Marxist love of the free market of laziness keep on demanding that companies like Hanes and The Gap hire only people who never break a sweat. No sweatshops! No sweatshops!

They also demand that no children be hired to make Americans good clothing with honest family values in them. Well, how are those kids ever going to learn the value of a good hard day of work unless we help them?

Do you know, I went to Bangladesh once, almost. I saw pictures of people in Bangladesh, anyway, and let me tell you that, although they’re all very poor, they’re also very happy. They love it. They wouldn’t trade their so-called lifestyle for our decadent society of mansions and jewelry and fancy cars and Hollywood liberals. No sir!

They want our money, which is why they’re happy to work for a nickel a day.

You know what burns me? The liberals insult those people. They call those people “exploited”, and try to take away their jobs by instituting some kind of minimum wage or something.

I am so sick of liberal wimps insulting workers that I’m going to go to Wal-Mart and go buy more shirts made in Indonesia, just to make them mad.

It’s a higher moral calling.

Stupid! CBS TV just announced that the Xavier - Ohio State (Go Xavier!) game was “Sold Out, with a Full House!” But the TV camera at just that moment showed rows and rows of empty seats.

CBS: Basketball Idiots!

I have declared myself to be the new President of Life of Unity08. Don’t disagree with me now — you wouldn’t want to engage in partisan bickering, would you? Don’t you think we all should unite and stop arguing and go ahead to solve the problems that face our nation? You think so? Good! Then shut up and follow me! Good doggie. Heel.

I just came across a web site called Unity08 today, and they say they that:

Unity08 is committed to presenting a third presidential ticket and platform – one that addresses the issues and challenges of the 21st Century – to the American voters in 2008.

We will not waste time pointing fingers. Instead, we will focus on how America can find common ground on critical issues – to give the overlooked moderate majority a voice and a choice in 2008.

Yes! We need a movement that addresses the issue and challenges of the 21st Century! The Republicans are in the 20th Century, and the Democrahates are back in the 19th Century!
Yes! We need someone who will not waste time pointing fingers! Those stupid finger pointers! Moooorons.
Yes! We need to find common ground! Unity! Agreement! Disagreement is so overrated. So is discussion!

I say we all Unite behind the Truth, and Do The Right Thing, and not to do the Wrong Thing, and agree with each other! If everyone will agree with each other, this country will be fixed! Hooray! Yipppeeeee! Get in Line!

Unite! Salute! Forward! Onward! March! Get in Line! Shut up! Listen to your elders! Duct Tape the Peaceniks! Go Unity08!

I’ve been out working as a grassroots organizer for the Republican get out the vote effort, and so I haven’t come back to my regular email account to resume my political writing until after this ungodly election. Well, let me tell you what I found on my return: Anal sex spam!

Oh, it’s not just any kind of marketing campaign. No, no. I believe in the free market, but there has to be limits to free speech, and that limit comes when I am sent a message, without my permission, detailing the smutty thrills of “her first double anal”.

What is the message in this email, I wonder? How are we to interpret this?

Well, for one thing, I see that this is just her first double anal! The liberals who send out this spam to attack me and my political work clearly intend all people who come here to pick up the message that having two throbbing cocks shoved up the rectum isn’t something that a woman will do just once in her life. Oh, no! It’s something to do over and over again. Sodomy is thus normalized! Shame.

Don’t doubt for a second that it’s the hollywood liberal Barbra Streisand fans who are sending me all this nasty spam. How do I know? The number of sex spam in my email box this morning was 1776.

Oh, how these nasty liberals mock America!

Tucker Carlson last Wednesday on MSNBC (My Special Neighbor, Bishop Carlson):

It is wrong, blasphemous, and sinful for you to suggest, imply or help other people come to the conclusion that the U.S. government killed 3,000 of its own citizens, because it didn’t!

I am incredibly grateful to Bishop Carlson for his new edict, but in relating it to my friends and neighbors, I need a bit of theological backing. I need to find is the Biblical passage in which dissent against a government identified as blasphemy. I figured Exodus would be the one, or maybe Leviticus, but no luck there. Can you help me in my exegesis?

You know, I have just about had it up to here with my fellow conservative commentators in the media. Cal Thomas refers to Connecticut voters as Taliban Democrats for picking Ned Lamont and calls them religious zealots — as if there’s anything wrong with religious zealotry! Ho hum. Our Vice President Dick Cheney calls Lamont supporters “Al Qaeda types,” which is a nice sentiment, but the use of “type” makes it seem as if Lamont supporters were born that way, when it is clearly a lifestyle choice. John Gibson calls such voters “Khmer Rouge Democrats” and says they stack skulls up in piles. Now that’s warming up a bit, but we could do better than that, I think.

The h-e-double-toothpicks with moderate, easygoing epithets like these, I say! Literally! I suggest we go for the most realistic label we can find, the destination for the Taliban, Al Qaeda and the Khmer Rouge: Beelzebub himself. These Democrats are “Beelzebub Democrats,” endorsing the Horned One in their voting behavior, casting America into a lake of eternal fiery torment, and dooming virtuous God-fearing Christians such as myself to a six year term of thoroughly undeserved annoyance on the evening newscast with that Frenchy LaMont. Beelzebub Democrats it is!

Well, what do you think you’re doing reading this on a Sunday? You have something better to do: get off the computer and go pray! You heard me, shoo!

How I wish I could have written it myself:

After reading the bio on her strengths and weaknesses I came to the conclusion that she is the Antichrist. Opinions can never be libelous so don’t sue me.

Hillary is a foul-mouth, racist bitch. I’m well aware that I just contradicted myself by listing vulgarity as a negative quality then swearing myself, but it was done with ironic intent. Supposedly, as the article cites many creditable sources, Hillary’s “potty mouth” during Chelsea’s impressionable years, is the reason that Chelsea is so god-damn ugly.

I believe that one of the Antichrist’s powers is the ability to persuade and make delusional the masses. Hillary Clinton is doing that right now. I can’t believe that women respect and want to be this woman who obviously doesn’t put out enought to keep her man at home and then sticks with him when he cheats on her in front of the nation. Talk about a role model for our youth.

I mean, yeah! That’s Hillary Clinton’s man problem as a Democratic Party candidate: that (unlike we good-tempered holy folk) the fucking bitch can’t put out enough for her man, swears all the god-damn time, and turns her daughter into an ugly tramp whore sperm receptacle. I think that disqualifies her from the presidency! We need more family-respecting, clean-mouthed, moral politicians that reflect the loving Christian community. And I say, if Hillary Clinton won’t step down from the stage to let someone more morally upright take her place in the presidential contest, then FUCK HER, the potty-mouthed bitch!