Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

A couple of weeks ago, Irregular Times noted that there was a large oil spill along the Gulf Coast in Texas. What this site did not reveal, however, was the celebrity connection. Apparently, Irregular Times believes that it’s above that sort of journalism.

In this case, that snobbery caused Irregular Times to miss an amazing story – one that is only being hinted at by Houston Chronicle today in an article with the headline Sheen lingers 2 weeks after Port Arthur oil spill.

A Sheen is lingering this oil spill – but which Sheen, and why? Clearly, it’s not Martin Sheen. He’s always been responsible. Apparently, the Houston Chronicle doesn’t believe that it has enough corroborating sources to go fully public with the story yet, but we all know who it is. It’s the Sheen who’s always getting in trouble: Charlie Sheen. If there’s any Sheen who would linger around the scene of a disaster, it’s Charlie Sheen.

The question we now need to ask ourselves is: Why? All we need to do is follow the smell of oil to the next Charlie Sheen story to find the answer. On Friday, it was reported that Charlie Sheen’s SUV was found crashed at the bottom of a cliff – and it was empty. There was no sign of any blood, or struggle, on the inside. How could that have happened?

The truth seems clear: Charlie Sheen knows something about the oil spill in Texas, something that none of the rest of us have been told about. Charlie is on the trail of a truth that’s thick, dark, and oozing slime. Someone sent Charlie’s SUV flying down into a ravine as a warning that he had better back off – or else.

We don’t know for sure where Charlie Sheen is now – off in some mysterious place along the Texas Gulf Coast, hiding out, waiting for them to arrive for the final showdown, lingering until the moment of truth. We can only trust that Sheen will get to the bottom of this slick enigma, as surely as his SUV got to the bottom of that cliff.

Go, Charlie, go!

Forget the swine flu, the little runt of an epidemic that ended up being less disturbing than a Porky Pig cartoon. Ecolocalizer is reporting on a growing fungus that threatens to consume humankind – from the inside out.

The site writes, “Aspergillus fumigatus is a fungus found commonly in ordinary garden soil. When the spores of the fungus are inhaled, It can also cause disease–sometimes fatally in those with already compromised immune systems and respiratory disease such as COPD.” (COPD is a term used to refer to conditions such as chronic bronchitis or emphysema.) The article goes on to point out that the fungus is becoming more virulent, because farmers are spreading fungicides around.

Okay – there’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s get started with the fact that the fungus is commonly found in ordinary garden soil – but not, by implication, in common forest soil, or common grassland soil, or common national wildlife reserve soil. Why? It appears that the fungus is actually seeking out human habitation where it can more easily launch attacks against us. That implies sentience, the ability of the fungus to follow its victims close to their homes, and then lurk, planning for the right opportunity to launch a violent assault against us.

Next, we have to ask: Why has this deadly fungus just so happened to have developed at this particular point in time? We’re supposed to believe that it’s a “coincidence” that news of the super fungus comes on the same day that 5 people were killed in a fire in Brooklyn that authorities admit was “suspicious”. Those same authorities have rather conspicuously not linked the fire to the advance of the fungus into gardens across America – almost as if there was someone telling them not to discuss the link. Notice that in ALL media reports about that Brooklyn fire, no one talks about the impending fungal invasion. Looks like someone was handing out talking points.

It’s not going to be popular among the agricultural elites in this nation, but we also have to ask: Why are farmers contributing to the problem, helping to make the fungus stronger? What are they up to? News reports from around the world report unusually high rates of farmer suicides – in India and Australia, for example.

If farmers around the world were conspiring to spread our sentient fungal enemies, planning a land-sharing agreement after the slaughter of 95 percent of the human race, that would explain farmers’ guilty consciences.

We may not have much time to stop the global agrofungal conspiracy. A recent report from DeKalb County, Illinois indicates that farmers there are spending more time on the road than usual. The original report, however, has been scrubbed from the web. You can only find its archived version now, suggesting an attempted coverup.

Where were those farmers going, and why didn’t they want us to find out about it? The fungus knows.

New research indicates that common microbes are much more intelligent than previously presumed. They are literally conspiring all around us, propagating copies of themselves in cellular sleeper cells that may present us with an invisible kind of attack within the Homeland.

Azospirillum brasilense, the species of bacteria studied, lives in the dirt, which explains why so many people feel uneasy when they are in an unclean environment. Science Daily writes that the new research suggests that “bacteria are more capable of complex decision-making than previously known.”

As the bacteria plot to destroy us, we may have traitors in our macrobiological world as well. Researcher Gladys Alexandre, at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, is quoted as saying of the smart little critters that “bacteria are, in their way, big thinkers, and by knowing how they ‘feel’ about the environment around them, we can look at new and different ways to work with them.”

Well, Ms. Alexandre, you can go join the little slimy germs of the world, but as for the rest of us real Americans, we’ll stick together!

Long, long ago I predicted that the volcanic foundations of Yellowstone National Park would explode, covering the United States in burning hot ash. Did anyone listen? No. In return for my warning, I was mocked. Mocked!

Now, scientists at the University of Utah are reporting that Yellowstone is experiencing an unprecendented number of earthquakes. The scientists cannot explain what is causing the earthquakes.

A mysterious, unexplained force is moving beneath Yellowstone, causing a huge number of earthquakes in the region. It is known that Yellowstone has erupted cataclysmically in the past, causing destruction and death across the entire North American continent.

Are you now so willing to dismiss my warnings, or will you finally prepare your underground shelters?

Breaking news, and I appear to be the first person to report on it:

A rash of mysterious plant petrifications is taking place on isolated islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean – the purported location of the ancient civilization of Atlantis.

It seems strange, but apparently, plants on the chain of islands known as the Azores are turning into stone – and no one knows why, or at least, they aren’t telling.

This story comes from a very reputable source: The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services – Mike Leavitt. Leavitt reported just a few hours ago that he saw the petrified plants from his government airplane as he approached a well-guarded military base in the Azores.

“During our approach to land at Lajes Field, a base operated jointly by the United States and Portugal, you could see miles of stone hedges separating fields,” said Leavitt.

As everyone knows hedges consist of evergreen shrubs that respond to being pruned by growing in a compact form. It seems that, in the Azores, these plants are all of a sudden turning to stone. The only way this would be possible is if the plants’ genetics for taking in minerals from the soil suddenly ran out of control, converting the plants’ bodies into giant crystalline structures.

This kind of genetic engineering could result in a biological weapon of astounding power. Just imagine what would happen if an aggressor could drop packages of viral spores instead of bombs. There would be no damage to industrial infrastructure, but the target nation would be brought to a standstill as its agricultural production ground, literally, to a halt. All of its crops would become inedible as rocks.

It is no coincidence, then, that the new petrifying biological weapon was developed right next to a secretive military base, where the Pentagon could control it. The geographical isolation of the Azores would also create a quarantine, just in case the virus got out of hand.

The connection to Atlantis is also evident. Where else could such an organism, so powerful and yet so mysterious, have come from? Consider too how Atlantis came to be destroyed – it sank beneath the waves – perhaps under the weight of vegetation suddenly as heavy as stone.

Who would the target of this terrible new weapon of mass destruction be? Well, think about this: Which country is the breadbasket of Eurasia? It’s Russia, of course. Is it a coincidence that Russia has been goaded into miltary confrontation with the United States, just in time for the petrification virus to be used as a biological weapon?

A startling development in the coastal waters of the Southeastern United States calls into question the amnesty for illegal immigrants that is being planned under the secretive North American Union. The big-government Center for Coastal Fisheries and Habitat Research warns us that lionfish, a large predatory animal with strongly poisonous spines, has invaded our territorial waters, and is waiting, hidden underwater, sometimes within clear sight of land.

They refer to the Indo-Pacific lionfish as “a non–native predatory fish first reported off the North Carolina coast in 2000. Since then, the number and geographic distribution of lionfish within the northwestern Atlantic has increased dramatically. Lionfish now inhabit coral reef, hardbottom, and artificial structures.”

Hold on a second, there! What are these lionfish doing inhabiting artificial structures? Did the lionfish make these structures, or did someone make the structures for the lionfish?

If someone made these artificial structures for the lionfish, which I believe to be the obvious logical answer, then we need to ask ourselves the following: Who would profit from providing subsidized housing for illegal immigrants?

It all reminds me a little bit too much of factory farming – only worse. In the case of the Indo-Pacific lionfish invading the coastal waters of the Southeastern United States, what’s being farmed is not fish for food, but fish for poison!

Someone call Lou Dobbs – but don’t think for a second that this is just about the lionfish stealing American jobs. It goes much further than that.

Take a look at the map. These are Indo-Pacific lionfish, so they can reasonably be expected to have moved up the Pacific coast of the United States by now. Perhaps there have been sleeper cells there for generations. That’s on one side of us. Now they’re up and down the East Coast of the United States. It’s almost as if they’re fixated on the USA in particular. They’ve got us in their sights, so to speak.

Communities of illegal immigrants hiding underwater in artificial structures set up by nobody knows who, right up and down our nation’s borders, armed with neurotoxins. In biological evolution, nobody develops a weapon like that unless they intend to use it. When will they attack us with these biological weapons?

I can’t tell you for sure, but I’ve seen these lionfish up close, and I can tell you one thing – they don’t want to talk.

Hidden in the murky estuaries of the River Thames, the central corridor of power in the British Empire, a secret has been kept for years – a secret that now has been revealed: Seahorses.

New Scientist tells us: “About five short-snouted seahorses (Hippocampus hippocampus) have been spotted during routine conservation surveys over the last year or so, leading scientists to think they have probably established a resident population. The news has been kept secret until now.”

Why were the seahorses kept a secret, and why are we hearing about this now?

People like to think of seahorses as a friendly sort of creature, what with its slow swimming habits, its big round tummy, and its gently grasping tail. Friendly? Have you ever talked to a seahorse? No. Seahorses don’t talk to people. You know why? They don’t know English.

There has never been a seahorse that has lived in an English-speaking country that has bothered to learn to speak English. Does that remind you of anyone? It should: Illegal immigrants.

So, now we learn that these seahorses (unnaturally mixing land animals and ocean animals) have “established a resident population”. Residents, but not citizens. It kind of reminds me of George W. Bush’s idea of “guest workers” – except the stinking little seahorses aren’t doing any work. They’re just swimming around slowly in the River Thames, not contributing to society, but having babies (that the fathers are expected to take care of while the mother goes out and has a good time) and then expecting the government to take care of it all.

“Conserve my habitat!” they would say, if they could speak English. Well, what have the seahorses done to conserve their own habitat?

They think that they can come in and just set up their little river camps, driving down property values, without going through Customs? Where is their respect for the law?

Of course, some people would say that the seahorses don’t know about the law. Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I think it’s worse than that. Just consider what Al Quaida could do with a group like this. They don’t have anything to do but seethe with resentment against the success of the English people. They’ve managed to learn how to cross borders without being protected, and they’ve been kept secret by the government.

These malcontents on the River Thames look like a classic terrorist sleeper cell to me, and given the government’s involvement, it looks like an inside job to me.

But now the secrecy has been lifted. Do you know why? Parliament has just passed a law that gives special protections to the seahorses, so that they can go about with their little nefarious schemes without bothering to hide anymore. They’ve been made untouchable.

Why is that law coming into effect now, in 2008? Is this some kind of October surprise, in April, designed to tip the American presidential election toward a certain candidate? The coincidence in timing is difficult to ignore.

Thanks to The Great Beyond for debunking a conspiracy theory that’s been making the rounds on the Internet lately. Some people have been saying that a new particle accelerator will create an exotic subatomic particle that will spawn a black hole that will swallow the Earth, or maybe even unravel the fabric of the entire universe.

That’s crazy, of course. After all, there are things in the universe that can accelerate particles at much greater speeds, and in much greater mass, than any puny human machine.

There are more important things to worry about, like the tuatara.

You probably don’t know what a tuatara is, do you? There’s a reason for that. Government officials have decided that it would be unwise to give appropriate publicity to the tuatara problem. They don’t want to see riots and the hoarding of goods.

Another article over at Nature explains the crisis, however, for those who care to know.

The tuatara, once belittled as a kind of primitive lizard, is actually outcompeting humanity, and will soon take over the planet.

“New Zealand scientists who analysed DNA harvested from fossils up to 8,750 years old now report that tuatara seem to do one thing remarkably fast: evolution. In a paper published this month in Trends in Genetics, the researchers show that the rate of molecular evolution in the reptile is among the fastest yet observed for any vertebrate.”

So, first we understand that tuataras are evolving at a greater rate than any other animal with a backbone.

Second, consider global climate change. It’s become plain that humans are adapting too slowly to climate change. Specifically, humanity cannot adapt its technology quickly enough to prevent disastrous consequences.

If human beings cannot provide the adaptation to deal with global climate change, who can? Apparently, the tuataras. They evolve faster than any other vertebrate, after all, and evolution is all about adaptation.

It will be the tuataras who develop clean energy technology, not humans.

Just think of what the tuataras will be able to do with their advanced technology. They’ll be able to do things that we humans never could do.

And just what have humans been unable to do with their technology? Let’s return to the subject we started with: The failure of human engineers to design a particle accelerator with sufficient power to trigger the creation of a black hole.

We’ve already established that tuataras have the power to develop technology that is beyond anything that humans can imagine… and just what kind of technology have humans imagined? Particle accelerators that can trigger black holes, or even the unraveling of the fabric of the cosmos, that’s what. That’s exactly what the tuataras are working on, and they’re the species to get it done.

Government officials may be unwilling to speak about this threat, but I will issue this warning: If you see a tuatara at your local hardware store, call the police.

What’s really going on at the Metropolitan Opera in New York City?

The cover stories for the repeated failures of the opera Tristan und Isolde are appearing increasingly thin. Five different actors have had to be used in the title roles of Tristan and Isolde:

Gary Lehman
Ben Heppner
Mac Master
Deborah Voigt
Janice Baird

Now, there is to be a sixth: Roger Dean Smith… or so he says.

What’s going on? Performances of Tristan und Isolde have had to be cancelled more than once, due to “mishaps”.

The tenor has fallen off the stage. Scenery has nearly killed the singers. There have been mysterious plagues that the publicists are dismissing as “stomach ailments” and “viruses”.

Nobody believes it, of course, and Manhattan’s elite opera scene is abuzz with rumor of what is really happening behind the curtain of the newest production of Tristan und Isolde.

To understand today’s dramatic events, one needs to go back to the time of the composition of Tristan und Isolde. It was in 1849, and Richard Wagner had to flee the city of Dresden because of what the establishment describes, euphemistically, as The May Uprising. Conventional history says that the May Uprising was a political battle between a repressive government and a mob seeking democratic rule. Conventional history is wrong.

The truth is that Richard Wagner had been dabbling in ancient folklore a little bit too deeply, and he came across some folkways that should have been forgotten: The dark arts of necromancy. Richard Wagner thought that he was writing a new opera to celebrate the culture of teutonic peoples, but really, he was casting a black spell to raise the dead. The May Uprising was not about politics. The truth is that the battle was an attempt to defend the living residents of Dresden from a zombie seige.

Just look at the history books. After the zombies started rising out of Dresden’s cemeteries, Richard Wagner ran away, because he didn’t know how to control his creations. The government soldiers in Dresden are then recorded as making a last stand in the Zeughaus.

Do you know what Zeughaus means, when translated into English? It means “House of the Undead”. The government soldiers went to the heart of the problem, to find the answer for the dreadful question: How do you kill somebody when they’re already dead?

The answer to that question was lost to history, but obviously they found some kind of way to control the zombies.

Richard Wagner, in the meantime, set up his operations again in Zurich, and this time he finished what he had started. He finished a final, revised draft of Tristan und Isolde, which still included some elements of necromancy, but not as much as in his first draft.

So, that’s what the people at the Met are facing right now: Black magic. It’s not as strong as when Richard Wagner first tried it in Dresden, but it is potentially deadly nonetheless.

I can’t tell you what’s going to happen for certain, but I can tell you this: There are just a few more performances of Tristan und Isolde at the Met, and I won’t be setting foot in Manhattan until after they are done.

Just when we thought things could not get worse, there is a new threat to the survival of humankind: Killer military robots. Dr. Noel Sharkey is speaking before the Royal United Services Institute with a stark warning: Military organizations around the world, especially in the United States, are developing killer robots that can be used on the battlefield – and in government actions against resistant domestic populations, instead of human beings.

The United States military plans to spend four billion dollars in the next two years alone to enhance its current program to develop homicidal robots. Have these people not seen the Terminator movies? Have they not read I, Robot?

These robots have no compassion. They have no mercy. They will not stop until their violent missions are completed.

You won’t be able to negotiate with them, if they are sent against you. You can hit them with your fists, kick them with your feet, and it won’t make a difference to their armor plating. You can run, but they can track you down with global positioning software and sensory equipment that goes far beyond the human range of sight, sound and smell.

Once these murderous military robots are unleashed against, us, we will not stand a chance. We will all die, and if the robots escape the control of their military masters, there might not be anyone left to care.