So, what are we to conclude, then, about what’s happened to the town of Porthtowan, in Cornwall, England? The village woke up last Thursday to discover that the entire town was coated in sea foam.

They say that the foam came from the ocean spray. So, the obvious question is this: Who from the ocean would want to move Cornwall to a new home, and why?

There is not yet word from the press office of Mannanan Mac Lir.

In news that may be related, “sperm” whales in the Caribbean are enjoying having their “tummies” rubbed by human divers.

I note that Agence France Presse attempts to distract from the discovery by claiming that the footprints are “believed to be more than 100 million years old”. But who exactly believes such a thing, AFP won’t say. That’s mighty curious, I think. When I find a footprint, do I assume that it’s millions of years old? No! I assume it’s recent.

So, we can presume that these thousands of dinosaur footprints are recent, unless evidence to the contrary is found. AFP is unable to cite any such evidence.

Why are French journalists so loathe to admit that dinosaurs are running helter skelter across modern day China? Is national jealousy at the root of the coverup, or something more sinister? What do the French have to profit from the news of living dinosaurs remaining a secret?

Furthmore, what are all those dinosaurs doing in China? Does the dinosaur revelation help to explain how Chinese sweatshops are able to produce shoes, shirts, and other products so inexpensively?

If you don’t hear anything more about the living dinosaur story, count that as a confirmation that the dinosaurs really do exist, and are too valuable to be made common knowledge.

In this case, that snobbery caused Irregular Times to miss an amazing story – one that is only being hinted at by Houston Chronicle today in an article with the headline Sheen lingers 2 weeks after Port Arthur oil spill.

A Sheen is lingering this oil spill – but which Sheen, and why? Clearly, it’s not Martin Sheen. He’s always been responsible. Apparently, the Houston Chronicle doesn’t believe that it has enough corroborating sources to go fully public with the story yet, but we all know who it is. It’s the Sheen who’s always getting in trouble: Charlie Sheen. If there’s any Sheen who would linger around the scene of a disaster, it’s Charlie Sheen.

The question we now need to ask ourselves is: Why? All we need to do is follow the smell of oil to the next Charlie Sheen story to find the answer. On Friday, it was reported that Charlie Sheen’s SUV was found crashed at the bottom of a cliff – and it was empty. There was no sign of any blood, or struggle, on the inside. How could that have happened?

The truth seems clear: Charlie Sheen knows something about the oil spill in Texas, something that none of the rest of us have been told about. Charlie is on the trail of a truth that’s thick, dark, and oozing slime. Someone sent Charlie’s SUV flying down into a ravine as a warning that he had better back off – or else.

We don’t know for sure where Charlie Sheen is now – off in some mysterious place along the Texas Gulf Coast, hiding out, waiting for them to arrive for the final showdown, lingering until the moment of truth. We can only trust that Sheen will get to the bottom of this slick enigma, as surely as his SUV got to the bottom of that cliff.

Go, Charlie, go!

The site writes, “Aspergillus fumigatus is a fungus found commonly in ordinary garden soil. When the spores of the fungus are inhaled, It can also cause disease–sometimes fatally in those with already compromised immune systems and respiratory disease such as COPD.” (COPD is a term used to refer to conditions such as chronic bronchitis or emphysema.) The article goes on to point out that the fungus is becoming more virulent, because farmers are spreading fungicides around.

Okay – there’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s get started with the fact that the fungus is commonly found in ordinary garden soil – but not, by implication, in common forest soil, or common grassland soil, or common national wildlife reserve soil. Why? It appears that the fungus is actually seeking out human habitation where it can more easily launch attacks against us. That implies sentience, the ability of the fungus to follow its victims close to their homes, and then lurk, planning for the right opportunity to launch a violent assault against us.

Next, we have to ask: Why has this deadly fungus just so happened to have developed at this particular point in time? We’re supposed to believe that it’s a “coincidence” that news of the super fungus comes on the same day that 5 people were killed in a fire in Brooklyn that authorities admit was “suspicious”. Those same authorities have rather conspicuously not linked the fire to the advance of the fungus into gardens across America – almost as if there was someone telling them not to discuss the link. Notice that in ALL media reports about that Brooklyn fire, no one talks about the impending fungal invasion. Looks like someone was handing out talking points.

It’s not going to be popular among the agricultural elites in this nation, but we also have to ask: Why are farmers contributing to the problem, helping to make the fungus stronger? What are they up to? News reports from around the world report unusually high rates of farmer suicides – in India and Australia, for example.

If farmers around the world were conspiring to spread our sentient fungal enemies, planning a land-sharing agreement after the slaughter of 95 percent of the human race, that would explain farmers’ guilty consciences.

We may not have much time to stop the global agrofungal conspiracy. A recent report from DeKalb County, Illinois indicates that farmers there are spending more time on the road than usual. The original report, however, has been scrubbed from the web. You can only find its archived version now, suggesting an attempted coverup.

Where were those farmers going, and why didn’t they want us to find out about it? The fungus knows.

Azospirillum brasilense, the species of bacteria studied, lives in the dirt, which explains why so many people feel uneasy when they are in an unclean environment. Science Daily writes that the new research suggests that “bacteria are more capable of complex decision-making than previously known.”

As the bacteria plot to destroy us, we may have traitors in our macrobiological world as well. Researcher Gladys Alexandre, at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, is quoted as saying of the smart little critters that “bacteria are, in their way, big thinkers, and by knowing how they ‘feel’ about the environment around them, we can look at new and different ways to work with them.”

Well, Ms. Alexandre, you can go join the little slimy germs of the world, but as for the rest of us real Americans, we’ll stick together!

Now, scientists at the University of Utah are reporting that Yellowstone is experiencing an unprecendented number of earthquakes. The scientists cannot explain what is causing the earthquakes.

A mysterious, unexplained force is moving beneath Yellowstone, causing a huge number of earthquakes in the region. It is known that Yellowstone has erupted cataclysmically in the past, causing destruction and death across the entire North American continent.

Are you now so willing to dismiss my warnings, or will you finally prepare your underground shelters?

A rash of mysterious plant petrifications is taking place on isolated islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean – the purported location of the ancient civilization of Atlantis.

It seems strange, but apparently, plants on the chain of islands known as the Azores are turning into stone – and no one knows why, or at least, they aren’t telling.

This story comes from a very reputable source: The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services – Mike Leavitt. Leavitt reported just a few hours ago that he saw the petrified plants from his government airplane as he approached a well-guarded military base in the Azores.

“During our approach to land at Lajes Field, a base operated jointly by the United States and Portugal, you could see miles of stone hedges separating fields,” said Leavitt.

As everyone knows hedges consist of evergreen shrubs that respond to being pruned by growing in a compact form. It seems that, in the Azores, these plants are all of a sudden turning to stone. The only way this would be possible is if the plants’ genetics for taking in minerals from the soil suddenly ran out of control, converting the plants’ bodies into giant crystalline structures.

This kind of genetic engineering could result in a biological weapon of astounding power. Just imagine what would happen if an aggressor could drop packages of viral spores instead of bombs. There would be no damage to industrial infrastructure, but the target nation would be brought to a standstill as its agricultural production ground, literally, to a halt. All of its crops would become inedible as rocks.

It is no coincidence, then, that the new petrifying biological weapon was developed right next to a secretive military base, where the Pentagon could control it. The geographical isolation of the Azores would also create a quarantine, just in case the virus got out of hand.

The connection to Atlantis is also evident. Where else could such an organism, so powerful and yet so mysterious, have come from? Consider too how Atlantis came to be destroyed – it sank beneath the waves – perhaps under the weight of vegetation suddenly as heavy as stone.

Who would the target of this terrible new weapon of mass destruction be? Well, think about this: Which country is the breadbasket of Eurasia? It’s Russia, of course. Is it a coincidence that Russia has been goaded into miltary confrontation with the United States, just in time for the petrification virus to be used as a biological weapon?

They refer to the Indo-Pacific lionfish as “a non–native predatory fish first reported off the North Carolina coast in 2000. Since then, the number and geographic distribution of lionfish within the northwestern Atlantic has increased dramatically. Lionfish now inhabit coral reef, hardbottom, and artificial structures.”

Hold on a second, there! What are these lionfish doing inhabiting artificial structures? Did the lionfish make these structures, or did someone make the structures for the lionfish?

If someone made these artificial structures for the lionfish, which I believe to be the obvious logical answer, then we need to ask ourselves the following: Who would profit from providing subsidized housing for illegal immigrants?

It all reminds me a little bit too much of factory farming – only worse. In the case of the Indo-Pacific lionfish invading the coastal waters of the Southeastern United States, what’s being farmed is not fish for food, but fish for poison!

Someone call Lou Dobbs – but don’t think for a second that this is just about the lionfish stealing American jobs. It goes much further than that.

Take a look at the map. These are Indo-Pacific lionfish, so they can reasonably be expected to have moved up the Pacific coast of the United States by now. Perhaps there have been sleeper cells there for generations. That’s on one side of us. Now they’re up and down the East Coast of the United States. It’s almost as if they’re fixated on the USA in particular. They’ve got us in their sights, so to speak.

Communities of illegal immigrants hiding underwater in artificial structures set up by nobody knows who, right up and down our nation’s borders, armed with neurotoxins. In biological evolution, nobody develops a weapon like that unless they intend to use it. When will they attack us with these biological weapons?

I can’t tell you for sure, but I’ve seen these lionfish up close, and I can tell you one thing – they don’t want to talk.

New Scientist tells us: “About five short-snouted seahorses (Hippocampus hippocampus) have been spotted during routine conservation surveys over the last year or so, leading scientists to think they have probably established a resident population. The news has been kept secret until now.”

Why were the seahorses kept a secret, and why are we hearing about this now?

People like to think of seahorses as a friendly sort of creature, what with its slow swimming habits, its big round tummy, and its gently grasping tail. Friendly? Have you ever talked to a seahorse? No. Seahorses don’t talk to people. You know why? They don’t know English.

There has never been a seahorse that has lived in an English-speaking country that has bothered to learn to speak English. Does that remind you of anyone? It should: Illegal immigrants.

So, now we learn that these seahorses (unnaturally mixing land animals and ocean animals) have “established a resident population”. Residents, but not citizens. It kind of reminds me of George W. Bush’s idea of “guest workers” – except the stinking little seahorses aren’t doing any work. They’re just swimming around slowly in the River Thames, not contributing to society, but having babies (that the fathers are expected to take care of while the mother goes out and has a good time) and then expecting the government to take care of it all.

“Conserve my habitat!” they would say, if they could speak English. Well, what have the seahorses done to conserve their own habitat?

They think that they can come in and just set up their little river camps, driving down property values, without going through Customs? Where is their respect for the law?

Of course, some people would say that the seahorses don’t know about the law. Well, ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I think it’s worse than that. Just consider what Al Quaida could do with a group like this. They don’t have anything to do but seethe with resentment against the success of the English people. They’ve managed to learn how to cross borders without being protected, and they’ve been kept secret by the government.

These malcontents on the River Thames look like a classic terrorist sleeper cell to me, and given the government’s involvement, it looks like an inside job to me.

But now the secrecy has been lifted. Do you know why? Parliament has just passed a law that gives special protections to the seahorses, so that they can go about with their little nefarious schemes without bothering to hide anymore. They’ve been made untouchable.

Why is that law coming into effect now, in 2008? Is this some kind of October surprise, in April, designed to tip the American presidential election toward a certain candidate? The coincidence in timing is difficult to ignore.

That’s crazy, of course. After all, there are things in the universe that can accelerate particles at much greater speeds, and in much greater mass, than any puny human machine.

There are more important things to worry about, like the tuatara.

You probably don’t know what a tuatara is, do you? There’s a reason for that. Government officials have decided that it would be unwise to give appropriate publicity to the tuatara problem. They don’t want to see riots and the hoarding of goods.

Another article over at Nature explains the crisis, however, for those who care to know.

The tuatara, once belittled as a kind of primitive lizard, is actually outcompeting humanity, and will soon take over the planet.

“New Zealand scientists who analysed DNA harvested from fossils up to 8,750 years old now report that tuatara seem to do one thing remarkably fast: evolution. In a paper published this month in Trends in Genetics, the researchers show that the rate of molecular evolution in the reptile is among the fastest yet observed for any vertebrate.”

So, first we understand that tuataras are evolving at a greater rate than any other animal with a backbone.

Second, consider global climate change. It’s become plain that humans are adapting too slowly to climate change. Specifically, humanity cannot adapt its technology quickly enough to prevent disastrous consequences.

If human beings cannot provide the adaptation to deal with global climate change, who can? Apparently, the tuataras. They evolve faster than any other vertebrate, after all, and evolution is all about adaptation.

It will be the tuataras who develop clean energy technology, not humans.

Just think of what the tuataras will be able to do with their advanced technology. They’ll be able to do things that we humans never could do.

And just what have humans been unable to do with their technology? Let’s return to the subject we started with: The failure of human engineers to design a particle accelerator with sufficient power to trigger the creation of a black hole.

We’ve already established that tuataras have the power to develop technology that is beyond anything that humans can imagine… and just what kind of technology have humans imagined? Particle accelerators that can trigger black holes, or even the unraveling of the fabric of the cosmos, that’s what. That’s exactly what the tuataras are working on, and they’re the species to get it done.

Government officials may be unwilling to speak about this threat, but I will issue this warning: If you see a tuatara at your local hardware store, call the police.