Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

Barack Hussein Obama! Republicans have made a big deal out of using Barack Obama’s middle name, Hussein, trying to imply that because his middle name is Hussein, Barack Obama must be some kind of radical Muslim terrorist. The underlying Republican theory is that people’s middle names reveal profound insights into their character.

So, who wants to place a bet that the political operators at Fox News and other Republican-controlled media will not give the same treatment to Joe Biden? Will they use Biden’s middle name every time they talk about him? Will they call him Joseph Robinette Biden?

Let’s be honest about this: Robinette is way more weird a middle name than Hussein. Hussein is the Arabic equivalent of Bob. Nowhere, but nowhere, is the name Robinette normal.

So far, Fox News has never used Biden’s full name: Joseph Robinette Biden. So, why does Fox News refuse to use Joe Biden’s middle name? Are they afraid of being politically incorrect and exposing the meaning of the name Robinette? Are they covering up an illegal immigrant invasion by French choreographers? Are they worried that their viewers will learn about Biden’s Robinettofascism?

Shocking revelation: Robinette is a girl’s name! So, just like Barack Hussein Obama must be an Arab Muslim, Joe Biden must be a girl!

Also, Robinette is a form of the name Robin, which means “bright fame”. And Joe Biden is famous… just like a false messiah! This all just goes to prove that Barack Obama must be the antichrist.

It’s elementary logic, see.

The Associated Press headline this morning was

Bush: China must end detentions, ensure freedoms

Couldn’t it have been

China: Bush must end detentions, ensure freedoms

?

Barack Obama wants my money. He’s got people emailing me left and right, telling me I ought to take my hard earned paycheck and give it to the Obama for President campaign.

Why? Why should I help Barack Obama?

Barack Obama isn’t helping me.

Why should I lift a finger to help elect Barack Obama when he is betraying everything I believe in?

Barack Obama is selling out the Constitution to do a big favor for George W. Bush and powerful telecommunications corporations. Obama will help out the powerful, but will he protect me from the prying eyes of the government? Heck no. I’m only worth one paycheck’s worth of a donation.

Now Obama is saying that he’s going to expand George W. Bush’s unconstitutional mixing of church and state - the “faith-based” initiative slush fund.

Hey, Obama, leave unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, get it?

I don’t trust Obama any more. Obama has lost my vote.

Oh, but I guess some evangelical telecom CEO is going to take my place in the pro-Obama ranks, huh? I judge you by the company you keep, Barack, and that company is looking more and more slimy.

This month is Home Safety Month, brought to you by the Home Safety Council. I could go on and on about exactly home you should be safe at home, but that’s not the main point.

The main point of Home Safety month is that, if you’re going to do something unsafe, you should be sure to do it outside the home.

Don’t forget to tell the kids.

Everybody is pouring love on Barack Obama now, like sugar on breakfast cereal. They’re talking about what might have been with Hillary Clinton. But what about the other ex-presidential candidates?

Where are they now?

Here’s what Dennis Kucinich has been up to this evening: He brought H. Res. 127: recognizing and celebrating the 50th anniversary of the entry of Alaska in the Union as the 49th State to the floor of the House of Representatives.

By gum, the resolution passed. Kucinich worked hard to defeat the powerful anti-Alaska lobby in Congress. That’s the kind of achievement that is not soon forgotten.

Just imagine what might have happened if Kucinich had been made the Democratic nominee. Why, Congress might have recognized Alaska and Hawaii in his honor.

CNN is showing a shocking video that’s made the rounds on YouTube: It’s of a supporter of Barack Obama who took a live fish from an aquarium and swallowed it whole!

Ruby the goldfish is owned by a neighbor of a preacher who made a guest appearance this week just two blocks down the street from Barack Obama’s church in Chicago. Until this morning, Ruby had shared her fish tank with a guppy named Jewel. Now, Ruby lives alone. She ate Jewel alive.

When will Barack Obama repudiate this live-fish eating Muslim extremist cult among his followers? Why has he not spoken out?

My wife says that Randi Rhodes says that the Washington Post says that some anonymous insiders in the Clinton and Obama campaigns say that there are secret meetings to figure out how to introduce Hillary Clinton as Barack Obama’s vice presidential running mate!

Yeah, or maybe not. Notice how this story line sounds an awful lot like that of the urban legends, in which someone’s cousin knows someone who knows someone…

The Hillary Clinton campaign is kicking its public relations efforts into high gear, desperately trying to manipulate the media to buying into their hype about Hillary Clinton being chosen as VP by Obama. After all, it’s Clinton’s last chance to get her White House back.

The truth is obvious - there is no way that Barack Obama could have Hillary Clinton as a Vice Presidential running mate. She has become poison to both Democrats and Republicans. She would only drag Obama down.

That, and there’s no way that Barack Obama could ever trust Hillary Clinton, or her loose lips husband. He could not operate effectively as President with those two trying to mess him up at every step.

The Hillary Clinton for VP talk is just desperate talk from Washington D.C. insiders who once thought that their power was inevitable, and now find themselves on the outside, just like everyone else.

There is no story.

Holy things are happening everywhere! Just as Irregular Times brings us news of an image of the Great Polar Bear Spirit that has appeared in the old split wood of a fence, News Buscuit tells us of another miracle.

Praise the Holy Roly Poly Polar Bear! An image of toast has appeared on a statue of the Virgin Mary!

This changes everything we thought about the Trinity. Now we can see that it isn’t about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. It has been now revealed through this set of divine visions that the true Trinity is formed from the Mother, the Bear, and the Holy Toast. This also changes the meaning of the parable of the creation of fishes and loaves by Jesus. The loaves obviously came from the Holy Toast, and the fishes came from the Great Polar Bear Spirit. Bears love to eat fish, if they can get it.

The crucial question now is this: Why didn’t the Virgin Mary give anything for the meal? Is there domestic discord in the Trinity?

The University of North Carolina, the University of Kansas, the University of Memphis and the University of California at Los Angeles got the top seeds of 2008. This is a terribly important story that people around the country have been waiting to hear about for weeks now.

Here’s what the different schools got:

The University of North Carolina got 100 of only 500 existing seeds from a marigold that was bred for the first time last year outside of Texarkana. These marigolds change the color of their flowers according to surrounding air temperature, so that they start out the day a deep red, but show bright yellow color in the heat of the afternoon.

The University of Kansas got 25 seeds for self-carving pumpkins. These pumpkins don’t need to be carved in order to make jack o’lanterns. The grow with holes for a face already in place.

The University of Memphis got industrial hemp seeds. You know how you’ve heard proponents of legalizing industrial hemp talk about how hemp plants, unlike marijuana, have almost no THC? Well, these industrial hemp seeds grow plants that do have a lot of THC. That’s what makes them so valuable.

Finally, UCLA got seeds for glow-in-the-dark cucumbers. These genetically modified seeds make it completely unnecessary for police to use flashlights to direct traffic at night. They can also be carried by truckers, in case of breakdown, instead of flares. Also expect these glow-in-the-dark cucumbers to be sold by teenagers wearing funny hats at Fourth of July fireworks events, for the kids to run around with while waiting for dusk to finally settle.

This far out blast from the past come from the Democratic Caucus:

How much did a gallon of gasoline cost when George W. Bush took office (and I put the emphasis on took)?

$1.39

Can you imagine how much your monthly budget would change if the price of gasoline were back down to that level?

It can be done - if America invests heavily in solar, wind, and geothermal power. When I say “America invests”, I mean the American government.

Let’s end the economy-destroying military occupation of Iraq, and redirect that budget to implementing green power, back here in the USA where the investment will be returned to the government in the form of taxes resulting from a stronger, more efficient economy. Those bullets in Iraq don’t bring anyone any economic benefit. Windmills keep on giving, long after their initial deployment.

Drop energy prices, not bombs.

The Bush Administration is threatening to veto legislation that would improve health care at Native American reservations and would require that federal contracts active on those reservations pay people fairly.

Why? Who would the Bush White House do such a cruel thing, especially just as the American economy is heading into the gutter again?

“The Bush administration said in a statement that the labor provision would violate long-standing administration policy,” says an official Bush Administration statement.

Long-standing administration policy? What long-standing administration policy? Oh, yeah, the long-standing policy of the Bush Administration to screw over American workers whenever possible - whether they’re Native Americans or not!

Equal opportunity cruelty. How reassuring.

2008 is the International Year of the Potato. How will you celebrate it?

How about by NOT voting in any election, and NOT doing any research about any political issues, and NOT supporting any nonprofit organizations, and NOT volunteering your time to a worthy cause, and NOT joining in any protest.

That way, you can celebrate the potatoes of the world by joining them… on the couch… to watch the latest HBO installation of The Wire the TV show that is so true to life that it has no meaning. Oh, the existential nausea!

Was that caused by eating a green potato? Jean Paul Sartre explained - he was nothing but a disaffected pomme de terre!