Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

Hi, I’m God. You probably have seen my show on QVC, where I sell Tupperware and collectible figurines. Most people don’t know that I also work part time as a political consultant, though.

In fact, I was hired a few months ago by Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. She wanted some advice on a natural gas pipeline. I told her absolutely not to approve of it, that it was against my will.

But did Sarah Palin take my advice? Oh, no. She got up in front of the Wasilla Assemblies of God church and proclaimed that the natural gas pipeline is the will of God.

I think it’s time to set the record straight, which is why I made the following video podcast. People deserve to know the truth about Sarah Palin, I think.

A follow-up to the story of the Saudi government punishing a rape victem located here.

News Article

Saudis defend punishment for rape victim
Wed Nov 21, 9:19 AM ET

The Saudi judiciary on Tuesday defended a court verdict that sentenced a 19-year-old victim of a gang rape to six months in jail and 200 lashes because she was with an unrelated male when they were attacked.

The Shiite Muslim woman had initially been sentenced to 90 lashes after being convicted of violating Saudi Arabia’s rigid Islamic law requiring segregation of the sexes.

But in considering her appeal of the verdict, the Saudi General Court increased the punishment. It also roughly doubled prison sentences for the seven men convicted of raping the woman, Saudi news media said last week.

The reports triggered an international outcry over the Saudis punishing the victim of a terrible crime.

But the Ministry of Justice stood by the verdict Tuesday, saying that “charges were proven” against the woman for having been in a car with a man who was not her relative.

The ministry implied the victim’s sentence was increased because she spoke out to the press. “For whoever has an objection on verdicts issued, the system allows an appeal without resorting to the media,” said the statement, which was carried on the official Saudi Press Agency.

The attack occurred in 2006. The victim says she was in a car with a male student she used to know trying to retrieve a picture of her. She says two men got into the car and drove them to a secluded area where she was raped by seven men. Her friend also was assaulted.

Justice in Saudi Arabia is administered by a system of religious courts according to the kingdom’s strict interpretation of Islamic law.

Judges have wide discretion in punishing criminals, rules of evidence are vague and sometimes no defense lawyer is present. The result, critics say, are sentences left to the whim of judges. A rapist, for instance, could receive anywhere from a light sentence to death.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack avoided directly criticizing the Saudi judiciary over the case, but said the verdict “causes a fair degree of surprise and astonishment.”

“It is within the power of the Saudi government to take a look at the verdict and change it,” McCormack said.

Canada’s minister for women’s issues, Jose Verger, has called the sentence “barbaric.”

The New York-based Human Rights Watch said the verdict “not only sends victims of sexual violence the message that they should not press charges, but in effect offers protection and impunity to the perpetrators.”

I’m sorry, but you can try to make any excuse you want to explain away this type of behavior but I can’t view this sort of thing as anything less than the most outrageous, disgusting, immoral perversion of justice that I’ve seen in a very, very long time.

The avocado fruit makes no sense from the avocado plant’s point of evolutionary view. After all, why have a nutrient-rich, yummy mix of vitamin-filled flesh if that all gets eaten up by fruit flies when it sits on the jungle floor after falling off the avocado tree? The big seed in the middle is really the only thing left after the fruit flies are done. So why doesn’t the avocado plant just grow the big seed in the middle? The answer: God’s plan. As with so many other fruits, the avocado is delicious, showing an alignment with our taste buds that can only be explained by design. It provides fat stores for humans and essential other nutrients. Then, when a human is done with it, all he needs to do is to plant it and grow another plant, which makes more food! This is a design made for people. The evolutionist view of it makes no sense. The avocado is proof god exists.

we are petunias
no matter whether
i think i am not really a flower
you have nice smelling petals
Master of All
do I become a petunia
you say yes, become a petunia
and so i do, Master
i am a petunia
and we are
petunias
forever
thank you, Master.

Consider the soybean. It is a small plant, not taking up too much space. It supplies a full complement of proteins with rice for those people who cannot digest meat. It makes cakes and sauces and oils and fillers. Hydrogenate it and it makes a butter substitute. All it needs is water and soil and air and sun to provide food. Water and soil and air and sun are what God gives us, not coincidentally. Versatile, small, serving people perfectly. And here it is, ready for us to use. What more proof do you need that God exists?

The lieberals are at it again, trying to distract from our nation’s most important Holy Days by naming new “holidays” (NOTE the changed spelling!) all over the place. The latest is World Day Against Child Labor, which happened earlier this week. First of all, it’s a WORLD holiday, not a national one, which is completely in sync with plans for One World Government of Gog and Magog. Second, it’s completely unsupportive of responsible parental choices. I had to set the table and darn the socks and sort the laundry when I was a child. What’s wrong with that? Are we treating out kids like some kind of veal, with muscles too tender for good old fashioned work? What’s wrong with asking your son to take out the trash he makes? For goodness sake! This secular liberal push for “holidays” promoting irresponsibility and laxity amongst our children — I’m sure while still giving them an allowance! — is taking us very close to the edge of tolerability.

Thank you, Baby Jesus, for sending us Congressman Virgil Goode of Virginia.

Did you know that on the $1 coin the GOVERNMENT has printed this year, the phrase “In God We Trust” is on the edge of the coin?

The LIEberal powers that be have put our God on the edge! Just hanging on! How long can God last there?

But Congressman Virgil Goode, guided by our dear sweet Baby Jesus (good Son that He is), has sponsored legislation to rectify the situation. H.R. 2510 is a bill that, if passed, would make it a matter of law that “In God We Trust” would only be printed on the face of America’s coinage.

This is an improvement. But it occurs to me that if “In God We Trust” is put on the front of a coin, it is smothered when the back of the coin. Smothering God? God forbid! At least I hope so. I mean I hope He forbids it, not that He is smothered, in His infinite wisdom.

Yes, God forbid. I do hope so. I hope that our dear sweet massively muscled Baby Jesus will send a new message down to our Rightly Righteous Congressman Virgil Goode, mandating a Holy Writ of Amendment to H.R. 2510 that the words “In God We Trust” shall be written on BOTH sides of America’s coinage. That way, the Word of our Lord and Savior shall always be apparent.

It has now been an entire day since I posted my challenge to the effete secular humanist academic cabal. Go ahead, I challenged them, I dare you to try and PROVE that God does not exist!

Not ONE limp-wristed, sushi-eating English professor has answered my challenge. And not one will do it now.

Let me repeat myself: CAN YOU PROVE THAT GOD DOES NOT EXIST?

Cowards! I think we know what they really believe in their hearts. So why don’t they just come out of their swishy closets right now and accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior?

I found an article that really hits the nail on the head when it comes to the whole Al Bore global hot air thing. It’s called Why is it always the Planet with Environmentalists?

I am so sick of environmentalists talking about the planet. Planet this, planet that. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m tired of hearing about how much planet Earth is in trouble. Why should I work to save the planet when Osama Bin Laden is plotting to blow up the shopping mall down the street from me?

Well, this article asks the question, but it doesn’t have enough guts to get to the real answer.

Environmentalists are always talking about the planet because they’re really just a planet-worshipping cult. They believe that the Earth is a godess, and they hold orgiastic rituals to worship her, in what was foretold in prophecy as a sure sign of armageddon to come. Environmentalism is a cult, and its followers are a bunch of weirdos.

As for the planet, I say we allow market forces to determine whether it’s really worth keeping.

Tucker Carlson last Wednesday on MSNBC (My Special Neighbor, Bishop Carlson):

It is wrong, blasphemous, and sinful for you to suggest, imply or help other people come to the conclusion that the U.S. government killed 3,000 of its own citizens, because it didn’t!

I am incredibly grateful to Bishop Carlson for his new edict, but in relating it to my friends and neighbors, I need a bit of theological backing. I need to find is the Biblical passage in which dissent against a government identified as blasphemy. I figured Exodus would be the one, or maybe Leviticus, but no luck there. Can you help me in my exegesis?

Well, what do you think you’re doing reading this on a Sunday? You have something better to do: get off the computer and go pray! You heard me, shoo!

You know, when I first heard that Mel Gibson had said, while being arrested recently in California, some “offensive things,” I was really really worried. I thought maybe the star of Lethal Action had said “Stem cell research is not such a bad thing” or “Gay? OK!” or “F**k, but those Buddhists really have a point there.” That would have been a level of career-destroying offensiveness, for sure.

But then I read the actual police report of Mel Gibson’s remarks while being arrested for driving after drinking the communion wine (what’s wrong with that? nothing but being RELIGIOUS!). Here’s all the nicest guy in Hollywood ever said:

“My Life Is Fucked” — Well, that’s all Jesus said, really. All our lives are “fucked,” until we accept Jesus as our personal savior!

“You Mother Fucker. I’m Going to Fuck You. You’re Going to Regret You Ever Did This to Me.” — Everybody knows these are lines from Mel Gibson’s latest film, A Trial of Faith, about a man whose wife leaves him for a chinchilla in a state with same-sex marriage, triggering a crisis of faith that involves a lot of swearing at God. But don’t worry — the movie shows in the end that God can handle being sworn at, and eventually forgives Gibson. In the meantime, come on, the Saucy Aussie was just rehearsing his lines!

“I Own Malibu” — OK, well maybe he does. That’s a good thing to know: he’s a property owner, a good upstanding citizen and all. A nice factual statement.

“I’m Going to Get Even With You” — said to the police officer, this makes sense. Mel Gibson, upright conservative Christian paragon that he is, is only telling the nice office that he’s not going to “get odd” with him tonight. No fag boy, that Mel Gibson! We all breathe a sigh of relief.

“Fucking Jews” — well, they do “that,” you know. That’s how they perpetuate their scheme to overtake all the world’s population and turn them into banking customers!

“Are You A Jew?” Good thing to know, because if so, there’s one more Jew who needs a nice New Testament sent to them as a thank you gift and chance at salvation!

“The Jews are Responsible for all the Wars in the World.” OK. So. Well. This looks really bad. At first glance. But when you consider that um, well, with the hypotenuse of the square of the Pythagorean Theorem in the second case, the smiggledy smaggle of the plumbum in green mainly takes the exclusionary clause in an unnecessarily literal manner. You know what I mean? See, no problem!

Thank you, Mel Gibson, for continuing to show the gracious goodness of Christian conservatism the whole world through. I am your number one fan, and you are my hero!

Last week, I wrote about the need for 425,000 mommies to put those poor little frozen blastocysts in their uteruses, adopt them and raise them as their own precious snowflake babies. I said I would hook people up with some of those cute blastocysts, if only they would leave a comment with their contact information. H-e-double-toothpicks, I’d just take your e-mail address! I said I was sure that all the good conservative Christian mommies with intact uteruses would be sure to offer their services. After all, we’re talking about saving a human life here! Those blastocysts are babies! And who wouldn’t save a baby???

But nobody has volunteered.

Why? What am I missing here?

I’ve done it again, dear reader. I am a testament to the wonder of God’s creation. I am proof that humanity is intelligently designed. I am, in short, really smart.

How can I say this? Well, it’s true. I have regularly solved the world’s problems by simply using the brainpower given to me by Our Lord God. And — voila — the answer comes! Thank you, Lord, for making me such a good problem-solver. I am happy to be your humble servant as I bring the answers to the little people of the world.

My latest Opus is the partial solution of the problem of the Budget Deficits in Washington, DC, those nasty bills left over from the Clinton years like a drying, cracked stain on a once-beautiful dress. The problem is that the Government spends more than it collects in taxes. The National Park Service alone had a budget of $2,259,000,000.00 in the year 2004 alone. To get rid of the budget deficit, we have to cut spending, and the National Park Service seems to me to be a great way to start. After all, there are no factories in the National Parks. There are no corporate headquarters in the National Parks. Industry benefits in no way whatsoever from our National Parks. So why have them at all?

I suggest we do two things:

1. Sell off the National Parks to the highest bidder. Let someone pay to buy Yellowstone and turn it into some kind of green hippy eco-commune geothermal power plant. Let someone pay to buy the Great Smokies National Park and put up a Great Smokies Smoked Sausage hog farm and factory there; it’s a great branding opportunity. I figure we’ll get a couple hundred $billion that way, which will go a long way to shrinking the budget deficit next year.

2. Take the National Park Service out of the budget. With no national parks, why have a National Park Service? So that some slacker pot-head Environmental Studies major can get a welfare job as a park ranger? I don’t think so. There we go: that’s $2.3 Billion saved every year!

Some Unitarian out there is going to give me a hard time about now. Let’s call him “Alastair CareBear.” Alastair CareBear the Unitarian will say, “but what about the wonder and awe these great places inspire? Without these outposts for nature, how can humanity maintain its soul, its connection with the earth and the great circle of life that I learned about in The Lion King?” Barf. It’s called A LAWN, you twit. If you don’t have enough awe and reverence for nature, GET A BIGGER LAWN.

But really, you don’t even need a lawn if you know that the true source of awe, wonder and reverence is God. All you need is a Bible and your behind in the pews on Sunday to get all the awe, wonder, reverence and SALVATION that you need, Mr. CareBear. I hope you discover the truth of that statement before your dying day, but that’s not for me, His Humble Servant, to control. Let Go and Let God, Alastair.

Let Go and Let God. Yes, that should be our new National Parks policy. Faith-Based National Parks! Before they pave over the Grand Tetons, someone take a slideshow and they can show it in all the Churches as a testament to God’s power. Then pave ‘em over, because who needs the originals when you’ve got a slideshow? Take the park names off the Rand McNally Atlases so nobody can find the parks anymore. And then the Reverends can explain how wonderful it is that these parks are there, but nobody can find them, and when someone asks for directions, what do we say?

“Ah! It is a Mystery! Let us proclaim the Mystery of Faith!”

Works every time — and cuts the national budget, too.

Faith-Based National Parks!

Thank you, Lord, for bestowing me with sheer Genius!

My favorite Republican Senator, Ken Blackwell, has hit the nail on the head again:

I think homosexuality is a lifestyle, it’s a choice, and that lifestyle can be changed. I think it’s a transgression against God’s law, God’s will. The reality is again … that we make choices all the time. And, I think you make good choices and bad choices in terms of lifestyle. Our expectation is that one’s genetic makeup might make one more inclined to be an arsonist, or may make one more inclined to be a kleptomaniac. Do I think that can be changed? Yes.

Well, he hit one nail, that’s for sure. You can choose to not be gay. I know because it is just common sense. Not even regular common sense. God’s common sense! And you can choose not to be an arsonist. And you can choose not to be a kleptomaniac. It is true because it is in the Bible! God said it, in Revelations I think, and that settles it!

But here’s the question. Can you choose not to be a gay, kleptomaniac arsonist? I ask because I wonder if that much effort is possible. If it takes X amount of effort to choose not to be gay, does it take 3X effort to choose not to be a gay, kleptomaniac arsonist? Or is it not a linear thing, X+X+X? Is it more like it would take X*X*X effort to choose not to be gay? Or is it not even an exponential thing? Could it be a logarithmic transformation of effort required? Wow, that would be a lot! They say with God all things are possible, but even this faithful Fran turns into a doubting Dorothy when thinking about a logarithmic transformation of effort!

Can someone with a divinity degree help me out with this theological conundrum? I’m asking because I have this friend who needs that kind of help and I want to let this friend of mine know about it. Thank you!

Some anonymous yahoo who writes for the blog Practically Harmless brings up the subject of “Snowflake Babies,” those cute little blastocysts who were abandoned in freezers by their mommies and daddies. Fortunately, a full 100 of these Snowflake Babies have been adopted, implanted in a loving new mommy’s uterus and born, leaving only 400,000 more to go!

I think this is a big moral challenge of our time. But the Anonymous Yahoo at Practically Harmless decides it’s better to poke fun:

The 400,000 frozen blastocysts out there (joined by 25,000 new ones every year) that are, ostensibly, going to be adopted by needy couples. Each and every one of them. Congratulations, kids; you’re frozen, in a big freezer in an embryology lab, and you don’t actually have a brain yet - or, for that matter, more than eight cells - and you can’t be seen without a microscope. But President Bush has given you a second chance.

Well, he’s sarcastic. He’s kidding.

But I’m not! OK, troops, gather up your womenfolk and listen up! We need 400,000 women THIS YEAR, right now, to save the lives of these blastocysts by donating their uteruses to grow these little blastocysts into big-time babies. Then we need 25,000 more women every year to save these little lights that have yet to shine. That’s 25,000 more pregnancies a year; 25,000 more blessings! I bet there must be tens of millions of evangelist women in the United States, and if just half of them are of bearing age, we should have no problem whatsoever in getting these Snowflake Babies born!

If you’re an interested female Christian conservative and you’re willing to give birth to a Snowflake Baby, just sign up right here, and we’ll get ‘er done! Just sign your name in the comment space below and I’ll personally hook you up with a deserving little blastocyst.

I know that there will a deluge of comments, perhaps in the tens of thousands in the first month, so I’ll be sure to get a box to hold it now!

I’m waiting now with anticipatory glee. Who will be the first of 400,000 conservative Christian women to donate their bodies to the cause?

Oh, you lieberal sillies are getting their panties in a twist again!

This time, you’re upset that our dear President George W. Bush stopped an investigation into his conduct, using the power of the government that is, of course at his disposal. He got elected, duh, it’s his government, he can do what he wants to with it!

What’s funnier than this typical liberal stupidity is their suggestion that everybody “fix” things by writing a letter to the editor, calling a Congressman on the phone, or marching in the street or something like that. But they miss the point. Nothing will ever, ever be accomplished by trying to get people to change things for the better. The liberals would do much better if they learned to pray (it’s spelled P-R-A-Y) with fervor for the changes they wanted to see happen, and then learned to wait for God’s grace to make itself evident in the world.

That’s how real change will come about. Not stupid liberals insulting other people in the media!

Idiots!

The liberal whoremonger newspaper New York Times reports today of “Episcopalians Shaken by Division in Church” over the issue of homosexuals (or as I prefer to call them, Whore Mo Sexuals) acting as Bishops in the Church.

Some of these Episcopalians being shaken are babies! Babies! How do the Whore Mo Sexuals justify behaving in a mannar that leads to shaken babies? They will never be the same again. They will suffer brain damage! All because some Bishop wants to go down on Johnnie Q. Pubic in the Church restroom after lustfully stroking Johnnie’s swollen, turgid member, perversely fingering Johnnie’s shadowy nether dorsal regions, and sharing a God-rejecting French kiss. They call it French for a reason, friend.

How can these queery fairy prelates justify their behavior when baby Episcopalians are being hurt? Think of the babies!

Donald Wildmon is a Real American Hero. The president of the American Family Association has style, vim and verve to spare. But it is his defense of the vision of Jesusland that I am especially inspred by. This week, I want to thank him for reminding us to keep our eye on the ball. The ball that the liberal media and liberal corporate whores have thrown our way, that is!

What ball are the liberal whores throwing at us today? It’s a dangerous ball, an explosive ball, but a secret dangerous explosive ball, one that will not explode in our faces until we don’t know it’s even there! It is the secret dangerous explosive ball of stealth. Right now, the right Mr. Wildmon lets us know, the corporations are plotting to exclude Christmas from their Christmastime flyers again this year! They are plotting in their design studios right now to roll out the “Holiday Trees,” the “Holiday Mistletoe,” the “Snowmen,” the “Grinches,” everything but the Baby Jesus, who is the real, really real Reason for the Season! They won’t put Jesus or the word Christmas in their literature, which is the most clear sign of their Christmas-hatred that you could ask for. I am sure that as he hovers up their in Heaven waiting for his chance to dive right down here and get everything in order right quick, Jesus is not pleased.

How do we know that the Jesus-haters at Target and Wal-Mart are drawing up plans to exclude Our Savior again? We know because they aren’t telling us about it, which means that they think they’ve got something to hide from us, which means that there IS something to hide from us. What else would that be but a set of Christmas flyers that have pictures of menorahs and pagan yule logs, but no creche greeting cards or baby Jesus sweaters?

Yes, brothers and sisters in Christ, the War on Christmas has gone underground, which is why you can’t see it going on, which is why you don’t know about it. Yet! They’ll spring it all on us right after they’ve sent it to the printers, and their customer service people will say, “Hey, we’ve sent it to the printers, Man, don’t ask us No Jive ’bout that, For Shizzle, so scat on out of here!” But they won’t say “Merry Christmas!”

And then it will be “too late.” And then they’ll say we should have done something sooner. So now is the time for you to complain about what they’ve left out of the circulers and flyers — NOW, before they’ve worked on them! Put those complaints in NOW, before it is too, too, too late indeed.