Irregular Times Diaries: Unfit Discussion

Tucker Carlson last Wednesday on MSNBC (My Special Neighbor, Bishop Carlson):

It is wrong, blasphemous, and sinful for you to suggest, imply or help other people come to the conclusion that the U.S. government killed 3,000 of its own citizens, because it didn’t!

I am incredibly grateful to Bishop Carlson for his new edict, but in relating it to my friends and neighbors, I need a bit of theological backing. I need to find is the Biblical passage in which dissent against a government identified as blasphemy. I figured Exodus would be the one, or maybe Leviticus, but no luck there. Can you help me in my exegesis?

Well, what do you think you’re doing reading this on a Sunday? You have something better to do: get off the computer and go pray! You heard me, shoo!

You know, when I first heard that Mel Gibson had said, while being arrested recently in California, some “offensive things,” I was really really worried. I thought maybe the star of Lethal Action had said “Stem cell research is not such a bad thing” or “Gay? OK!” or “F**k, but those Buddhists really have a point there.” That would have been a level of career-destroying offensiveness, for sure.

But then I read the actual police report of Mel Gibson’s remarks while being arrested for driving after drinking the communion wine (what’s wrong with that? nothing but being RELIGIOUS!). Here’s all the nicest guy in Hollywood ever said:

“My Life Is Fucked” — Well, that’s all Jesus said, really. All our lives are “fucked,” until we accept Jesus as our personal savior!

“You Mother Fucker. I’m Going to Fuck You. You’re Going to Regret You Ever Did This to Me.” — Everybody knows these are lines from Mel Gibson’s latest film, A Trial of Faith, about a man whose wife leaves him for a chinchilla in a state with same-sex marriage, triggering a crisis of faith that involves a lot of swearing at God. But don’t worry — the movie shows in the end that God can handle being sworn at, and eventually forgives Gibson. In the meantime, come on, the Saucy Aussie was just rehearsing his lines!

“I Own Malibu” — OK, well maybe he does. That’s a good thing to know: he’s a property owner, a good upstanding citizen and all. A nice factual statement.

“I’m Going to Get Even With You” — said to the police officer, this makes sense. Mel Gibson, upright conservative Christian paragon that he is, is only telling the nice office that he’s not going to “get odd” with him tonight. No fag boy, that Mel Gibson! We all breathe a sigh of relief.

“Fucking Jews” — well, they do “that,” you know. That’s how they perpetuate their scheme to overtake all the world’s population and turn them into banking customers!

“Are You A Jew?” Good thing to know, because if so, there’s one more Jew who needs a nice New Testament sent to them as a thank you gift and chance at salvation!

“The Jews are Responsible for all the Wars in the World.” OK. So. Well. This looks really bad. At first glance. But when you consider that um, well, with the hypotenuse of the square of the Pythagorean Theorem in the second case, the smiggledy smaggle of the plumbum in green mainly takes the exclusionary clause in an unnecessarily literal manner. You know what I mean? See, no problem!

Thank you, Mel Gibson, for continuing to show the gracious goodness of Christian conservatism the whole world through. I am your number one fan, and you are my hero!

Last week, I wrote about the need for 425,000 mommies to put those poor little frozen blastocysts in their uteruses, adopt them and raise them as their own precious snowflake babies. I said I would hook people up with some of those cute blastocysts, if only they would leave a comment with their contact information. H-e-double-toothpicks, I’d just take your e-mail address! I said I was sure that all the good conservative Christian mommies with intact uteruses would be sure to offer their services. After all, we’re talking about saving a human life here! Those blastocysts are babies! And who wouldn’t save a baby???

But nobody has volunteered.

Why? What am I missing here?

I’ve done it again, dear reader. I am a testament to the wonder of God’s creation. I am proof that humanity is intelligently designed. I am, in short, really smart.

How can I say this? Well, it’s true. I have regularly solved the world’s problems by simply using the brainpower given to me by Our Lord God. And — voila — the answer comes! Thank you, Lord, for making me such a good problem-solver. I am happy to be your humble servant as I bring the answers to the little people of the world.

My latest Opus is the partial solution of the problem of the Budget Deficits in Washington, DC, those nasty bills left over from the Clinton years like a drying, cracked stain on a once-beautiful dress. The problem is that the Government spends more than it collects in taxes. The National Park Service alone had a budget of $2,259,000,000.00 in the year 2004 alone. To get rid of the budget deficit, we have to cut spending, and the National Park Service seems to me to be a great way to start. After all, there are no factories in the National Parks. There are no corporate headquarters in the National Parks. Industry benefits in no way whatsoever from our National Parks. So why have them at all?

I suggest we do two things:

1. Sell off the National Parks to the highest bidder. Let someone pay to buy Yellowstone and turn it into some kind of green hippy eco-commune geothermal power plant. Let someone pay to buy the Great Smokies National Park and put up a Great Smokies Smoked Sausage hog farm and factory there; it’s a great branding opportunity. I figure we’ll get a couple hundred $billion that way, which will go a long way to shrinking the budget deficit next year.

2. Take the National Park Service out of the budget. With no national parks, why have a National Park Service? So that some slacker pot-head Environmental Studies major can get a welfare job as a park ranger? I don’t think so. There we go: that’s $2.3 Billion saved every year!

Some Unitarian out there is going to give me a hard time about now. Let’s call him “Alastair CareBear.” Alastair CareBear the Unitarian will say, “but what about the wonder and awe these great places inspire? Without these outposts for nature, how can humanity maintain its soul, its connection with the earth and the great circle of life that I learned about in The Lion King?” Barf. It’s called A LAWN, you twit. If you don’t have enough awe and reverence for nature, GET A BIGGER LAWN.

But really, you don’t even need a lawn if you know that the true source of awe, wonder and reverence is God. All you need is a Bible and your behind in the pews on Sunday to get all the awe, wonder, reverence and SALVATION that you need, Mr. CareBear. I hope you discover the truth of that statement before your dying day, but that’s not for me, His Humble Servant, to control. Let Go and Let God, Alastair.

Let Go and Let God. Yes, that should be our new National Parks policy. Faith-Based National Parks! Before they pave over the Grand Tetons, someone take a slideshow and they can show it in all the Churches as a testament to God’s power. Then pave ‘em over, because who needs the originals when you’ve got a slideshow? Take the park names off the Rand McNally Atlases so nobody can find the parks anymore. And then the Reverends can explain how wonderful it is that these parks are there, but nobody can find them, and when someone asks for directions, what do we say?

“Ah! It is a Mystery! Let us proclaim the Mystery of Faith!”

Works every time — and cuts the national budget, too.

Faith-Based National Parks!

Thank you, Lord, for bestowing me with sheer Genius!

My favorite Republican Senator, Ken Blackwell, has hit the nail on the head again:

I think homosexuality is a lifestyle, it’s a choice, and that lifestyle can be changed. I think it’s a transgression against God’s law, God’s will. The reality is again … that we make choices all the time. And, I think you make good choices and bad choices in terms of lifestyle. Our expectation is that one’s genetic makeup might make one more inclined to be an arsonist, or may make one more inclined to be a kleptomaniac. Do I think that can be changed? Yes.

Well, he hit one nail, that’s for sure. You can choose to not be gay. I know because it is just common sense. Not even regular common sense. God’s common sense! And you can choose not to be an arsonist. And you can choose not to be a kleptomaniac. It is true because it is in the Bible! God said it, in Revelations I think, and that settles it!

But here’s the question. Can you choose not to be a gay, kleptomaniac arsonist? I ask because I wonder if that much effort is possible. If it takes X amount of effort to choose not to be gay, does it take 3X effort to choose not to be a gay, kleptomaniac arsonist? Or is it not a linear thing, X+X+X? Is it more like it would take X*X*X effort to choose not to be gay? Or is it not even an exponential thing? Could it be a logarithmic transformation of effort required? Wow, that would be a lot! They say with God all things are possible, but even this faithful Fran turns into a doubting Dorothy when thinking about a logarithmic transformation of effort!

Can someone with a divinity degree help me out with this theological conundrum? I’m asking because I have this friend who needs that kind of help and I want to let this friend of mine know about it. Thank you!

Some anonymous yahoo who writes for the blog Practically Harmless brings up the subject of “Snowflake Babies,” those cute little blastocysts who were abandoned in freezers by their mommies and daddies. Fortunately, a full 100 of these Snowflake Babies have been adopted, implanted in a loving new mommy’s uterus and born, leaving only 400,000 more to go!

I think this is a big moral challenge of our time. But the Anonymous Yahoo at Practically Harmless decides it’s better to poke fun:

The 400,000 frozen blastocysts out there (joined by 25,000 new ones every year) that are, ostensibly, going to be adopted by needy couples. Each and every one of them. Congratulations, kids; you’re frozen, in a big freezer in an embryology lab, and you don’t actually have a brain yet – or, for that matter, more than eight cells – and you can’t be seen without a microscope. But President Bush has given you a second chance.

Well, he’s sarcastic. He’s kidding.

But I’m not! OK, troops, gather up your womenfolk and listen up! We need 400,000 women THIS YEAR, right now, to save the lives of these blastocysts by donating their uteruses to grow these little blastocysts into big-time babies. Then we need 25,000 more women every year to save these little lights that have yet to shine. That’s 25,000 more pregnancies a year; 25,000 more blessings! I bet there must be tens of millions of evangelist women in the United States, and if just half of them are of bearing age, we should have no problem whatsoever in getting these Snowflake Babies born!

If you’re an interested female Christian conservative and you’re willing to give birth to a Snowflake Baby, just sign up right here, and we’ll get ‘er done! Just sign your name in the comment space below and I’ll personally hook you up with a deserving little blastocyst.

I know that there will a deluge of comments, perhaps in the tens of thousands in the first month, so I’ll be sure to get a box to hold it now!

I’m waiting now with anticipatory glee. Who will be the first of 400,000 conservative Christian women to donate their bodies to the cause?

Oh, you lieberal sillies are getting their panties in a twist again!

This time, you’re upset that our dear President George W. Bush stopped an investigation into his conduct, using the power of the government that is, of course at his disposal. He got elected, duh, it’s his government, he can do what he wants to with it!

What’s funnier than this typical liberal stupidity is their suggestion that everybody “fix” things by writing a letter to the editor, calling a Congressman on the phone, or marching in the street or something like that. But they miss the point. Nothing will ever, ever be accomplished by trying to get people to change things for the better. The liberals would do much better if they learned to pray (it’s spelled P-R-A-Y) with fervor for the changes they wanted to see happen, and then learned to wait for God’s grace to make itself evident in the world.

That’s how real change will come about. Not stupid liberals insulting other people in the media!

Idiots!

The liberal whoremonger newspaper New York Times reports today of “Episcopalians Shaken by Division in Church” over the issue of homosexuals (or as I prefer to call them, Whore Mo Sexuals) acting as Bishops in the Church.

Some of these Episcopalians being shaken are babies! Babies! How do the Whore Mo Sexuals justify behaving in a mannar that leads to shaken babies? They will never be the same again. They will suffer brain damage! All because some Bishop wants to go down on Johnnie Q. Pubic in the Church restroom after lustfully stroking Johnnie’s swollen, turgid member, perversely fingering Johnnie’s shadowy nether dorsal regions, and sharing a God-rejecting French kiss. They call it French for a reason, friend.

How can these queery fairy prelates justify their behavior when baby Episcopalians are being hurt? Think of the babies!

Donald Wildmon is a Real American Hero. The president of the American Family Association has style, vim and verve to spare. But it is his defense of the vision of Jesusland that I am especially inspred by. This week, I want to thank him for reminding us to keep our eye on the ball. The ball that the liberal media and liberal corporate whores have thrown our way, that is!

What ball are the liberal whores throwing at us today? It’s a dangerous ball, an explosive ball, but a secret dangerous explosive ball, one that will not explode in our faces until we don’t know it’s even there! It is the secret dangerous explosive ball of stealth. Right now, the right Mr. Wildmon lets us know, the corporations are plotting to exclude Christmas from their Christmastime flyers again this year! They are plotting in their design studios right now to roll out the “Holiday Trees,” the “Holiday Mistletoe,” the “Snowmen,” the “Grinches,” everything but the Baby Jesus, who is the real, really real Reason for the Season! They won’t put Jesus or the word Christmas in their literature, which is the most clear sign of their Christmas-hatred that you could ask for. I am sure that as he hovers up their in Heaven waiting for his chance to dive right down here and get everything in order right quick, Jesus is not pleased.

How do we know that the Jesus-haters at Target and Wal-Mart are drawing up plans to exclude Our Savior again? We know because they aren’t telling us about it, which means that they think they’ve got something to hide from us, which means that there IS something to hide from us. What else would that be but a set of Christmas flyers that have pictures of menorahs and pagan yule logs, but no creche greeting cards or baby Jesus sweaters?

Yes, brothers and sisters in Christ, the War on Christmas has gone underground, which is why you can’t see it going on, which is why you don’t know about it. Yet! They’ll spring it all on us right after they’ve sent it to the printers, and their customer service people will say, “Hey, we’ve sent it to the printers, Man, don’t ask us No Jive ’bout that, For Shizzle, so scat on out of here!” But they won’t say “Merry Christmas!”

And then it will be “too late.” And then they’ll say we should have done something sooner. So now is the time for you to complain about what they’ve left out of the circulers and flyers — NOW, before they’ve worked on them! Put those complaints in NOW, before it is too, too, too late indeed.