Bush: Tell Us More About Servants of Evil
Today, on the eve of the two-year anniversary of September 11, 2001, George W. Bush took special care to remind America that, "we will never forget the servants of evil".
That's all well and good, we say, but we think that the American people deserve to know more about these "servants of evil". In the last year especially, we've become a bit nervous about the way that George W. Bush keeps information to himself, even when sharing that information with the American people could make us more secure. Security, after all, is the pre-eminent, number one, unrivaled, most important, prime, top priority these days.
We at Irregular Times want to know the following information about the "servants of evil" that Mister Bush keeps on referring to:
- What kind of servants are they? Are we talking about just your all-purpose servants, or do these servants perform a variety of tasks for evil? Are there butlers of evil? How about chauffeurs of evil? The existence of cleaning maids of evil would be an unnerving revelation, but important for Americans to know about nonetheless. If there are gardeners of evil, then what kinds of plants do they grow, and are there any implications for American landscape designers? If there are child care providers of evil, then we assume that there must be the spawn of evil as well. Are they registered for Kindergarten? Fill us in, Mr. Bush!
- Are the servants of evil unionized? If not, would they like to be? We want to know whether evil's servants are working under ethical conditions or if they are captive to an evil sweatshop arrangement. Are they paid minimum wage? Do they have have health insurance? How about family leave?
- We also need to know whether the servants of evil are legal residents or illegal immigrants. We know that a good number of top politicians have faced scandals resulting from their use of illegal aliens as nannies for their children. If this is the case with the servants of evil, it could be an opportunity to open up a new offensive in the War On Evil. Just imagine, evil's own Nannygate! How embarrassing that would be for evil! A great deal of wickedness might be postponed for a while, just from the shame of it.
- Is servitude to evil a growth industry? Given that America has lost 3 million jobs since the Bush Administration first took power, Americans are looking for work anywhere they can get it. Perhaps evil could be encouraged to provide more jobs for servants if it were given special government tax breaks. You're experienced at that kind of thing, Mr. Bush. Would it work in this case too?
- Finally, we'd like to know whether the servants of evil have any professional references or experience with political organizing. You see, there's a big White House we know of in Washington D.C. that's gone to shambles in recent years. We think that this White House is long overdue to be cleaned out of all the scum that's collected there. The irresponsible dependence upon demagoguery and simplistic language by its current residents has stained the carpets. Also, the letters "E", "V", "I", and "L" on the keyboards for White House computers are covered in sweat marks from overuse, and we just don't know how to get that kind of thing off. We suppose that evil must get pretty sweaty too, so we're hoping that the servants of evil can do a little moonlighting for us.
Answering these questions for the American people would be a great start, but we imagine that the answers will only lead to more questions. In any case, we salute George W. Bush for having the presence of mind to bring the issue of the servants of evil to the attention of the American public. If Bush hadn't told us about the servants of evil, we're pretty sure that no one else would.