irregular guy IRREGULAR TIMES
A Love Too Divine To Last:

God Goes on a Date


Jenny first saw God while she was grocery shopping at the Piggly Wiggly in town. He appeared as a young man with curly hair and sideburns waiting in line to pay for the latest People magazine. He stared back at Jenny as she looked at him over the frozen food section.

She became frightened and pretended to read the label of a box of stir-fry peas. After a minute or so, she looked up again and was relieved to see that he was gone, but when she put the peas back in the freezer a strong voice spoke to her from behind.

"Why have you abandoned the fruit of my love, my child?" Jenny grabbed the package of peas back out of the freezer and ran out of the store without paying for them.

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One, two, three, four. His hands tapped on the smooth black surface of the restaurant table. Jenny's date was God, and He was letting her down easy.

"Jenny," He said, "it's not you. It's me. The last time I was with a woman like this, things got really messy. I didn't want to tell you this, but the truth is that we ended up having a son together. It didn't work out, we broke up, my son just ended up feeling forsaken and it's taken me practically forever to get to the point where I can even think about going on a date again. I just don't think I'm ready to go through that kind of Hell again, so to speak. Look, Jenny. You don't want to hang around a guy like me -- I'm used to having things my own way. I'm a loner, and that's just the way of the world. I'm going to get up now, and I want you to forget about me. Go find someone else who deserves your love more than I do. Oh, and Jenny? Remember to turn the other cheek, okay?" God got up from the table, and taking a handful of mints as He passed the front desk, left Jenny sitting alone to pay the bill.

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Jenny was sitting alone on her couch reading an old Cosmopolitan article called "Ten Things You Probably Ought Not Say To Your Man" when the poinsietta on her coffee table burst into flames. "Hear me and fear me, O Jennifer of the dust," said a loud voice coming from the sizzling pot, "for I am a jealous God and will permit no trespasses against me!" Smoke from the poinsietta filled the room and set off the sprinkler system. "Thou shalt worship no others before me..."

"Oh, shut up!" screamed Jennifer as she stormed off into the kitchen to get a roll of paper towels. "You're making a mess and you're getting on my nerves. A burning house plant? I remember when you used to set entire hedges on fire for me. You've lost your inspiration, Jehovah."

God appeared beside Jennifer and put His arm around her waist. "Come on, Jen. What do you expect. You know I've been depressed lately. I feel like the Devil."

"Oh, no you don't, buster. You'll just have to deal with your own feelings tonight. We've been through this before. I thought we agreed we could see other people."

return to irregulartimes.com"But Jen, I know all about this guy. He's all wrong for you. Trust me, it'd be harder for him to get into Heaven than it would be for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle."

"Yeah? Well you're not exactly setting a high standard yourself, you know. Is this supposed to change my mind? Just who do you think you are, anyway?"

He looked down at his feet and shifted his weight from leg to leg. "Well, I am God."

Jenny rolled her eyes and sighed. "That doesn't mean you have the right to control my life. John's coming over for dinner tonight and I want this place to look good. The vacuum is in the closet. Clean up after yourself. I'm going to take a shower."

God took out the dustbuster and mumbled to himself as he plugged it in. "Take the beam out of your own eye before you... Damn. I should have seen this coming. I'm always the last to know."


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