Encouraging news today in America’s War on Mythological Entities. Satan, arguably the most notorious of them all, has been located. According to Colonel Gary Brandl of the United States Marine Corps, “The enemy has a face. It is Satan’s. He is in Fallujah, and we are going to destroy him.” (AP, 11/8/04)
Pentagon officials unveiled their plan of attack. “There’s nothing Satan hates more than urban warfare,” said Ronald Dumbsfeld, secretary of the Ministry of Peace, “we’ve got him on the run.” A Bush administration official commented, “We’re turning the corner in the war against mythological entities.”
Other mythological entities have proven elusive.
The Easter Bunny was spotted outside Witchita last spring, but officials at the Mythological Security Department admit they haven’t been able to track his movements. “It’s that darn unorthodox mode of locomotion,” confessed Don Bridge, Head of Mythological Security, “You never know where he’s going to turn up next. $98 billion has been earmarked to states and localities to beef up monitoring of bunny trails, but so far we have had little success.”
The Indian divinity Shiva has been seen recently in South Asia. “He’s on our list of mythological entities,” Bridge confirmed.
Good news seemed imminent last fall, when Jesus was reportedly detected in the patterns of rust on the side of a water tank outside Waco, Texas. Mythological security agents were immediately dispatched to the scene, but returned empty-handed. “It just didn’t look like him,” Agent Mulder said at the time. “Yeah, we were pretty disappointed. We thought we finally got one.”
Especially worrisome in the coming months is Santa Claus. “Do we know there’s the intent to cause trouble? No,” said Dumbsfeld, “But this guy has unfettered access to millions of American residences. He’s completely circumventing customs and immigration. There’s no telling what he could do. This will not stand.”
