The Looming Satanic Gay-Boy Threat of Football

The Conservative Christian Right has no time to use its influence with the White House to demand an investigation of systematic torture, or to press for an end to poverty, or to free the wrongfully accused, because…

…they’re too busy finding hidden phalluses on video covers. The Conservative, Christian, Right-Wing ChildCare Action Project, determined to ferret out and quash evil words and deeds wherever they exist, notes the following on its website:

“FACT: In “The Little Mermaid,” a scene depicts a priest becoming noticeably aroused while presiding over a wedding. Also, a castle spire on the jacket art for the video resembles a phallus. [A phallus is a representation of the male member]”

They didn’t mention that the Little Mermaid is wearing nothing but a bra made out of scallops, but why should we quibble? This is clearly a Big Moral Issue, important enough to Take Action on (unlike, say, the torture of Iraqis).

The ChildCare Action Project goes on to note:

“FACT: JEFFERSON IN PARIS (Disney backed) spreads the smear (initiated by his political rivals, but discounted by historians) that Thomas Jefferson fathered children by a 13-year-old slave girl.”

Actually, Jefferson in Paris says that Thomas Jefferson fathered children by a 15-year-old slave girl, Sally Hemmings. And — WHOOPSIE! — DNA analysis has supported this claim.

Clearly, to this Conservative Religious Christian group the possibility that a White Founding Father slept around with a Black Slave Girl is a possibility to be discounted at all costs. It’s a Moral Values Thing, apparently — unlike poverty, which the ChildCare Action Project doesn’t write a word on, except to ridicule Rocky and Bullwinkle for fictionally living in poverty in their cartoon land.

The ChildCare Action Project continues:

“FACT: Actors Ernie Sabella and Nathan Lane said in a New York Times interview that the characters they played (Timon, the meerkat, and Pumbaa, the wart hog) in THE LION KING are ‘the first homosexual Disney characters ever to come to the screen….’”

Homosexuality between a meerkat and a warthog! Unscripted! Offscreen! At Some Hypothetical Time Or Another! The HORROR! Clearly, the off-screen, off-script, hypothetical homosexual relationship between two fictional animated beasts of different species is a Big Moral Issue — unlike, say, the wrongful imprisonment of innocent people, on which the ChildCare Action Project writes not a word.

Now that the Republicans have won, everybody tells me I need to readjust my moral values to reflect theirs. Let me practice: Sex? Bad. Questioning White ForeFathers? Bad. Cartoon animals that make us think of homosexuality? Horrid!

OK, I’m with the program. But do you know what? The thing that chaps me now about the ChildCare Action Project is that they don’t focus on the perverse imagery of one of the most prevalent programs on American television.

Two weeks before the Super Bowl, they haven’t said a word about…

…no, not Janet Jackson…

…football players. Get a load of this:

Scantily Clad Homo-touching!

Inappropriate Public Displays of Affection!

Eeewwwww!

Tight ends, receivers, end zones, oh my.

When will the Conservative Christian Right-Wing begin to address this clearly compelling moral issue?

Maybe after they’ve cleared up that little torture thingy.