Wolves Return to Manhattan, Bloomberg Announces

Wolves, which once roamed the forests and fields of Manhattan, have returned, according to Michael Bloomberg, the Republican mayor of New York City.

“I’ve seen them myself, running in packs through Times Square,” Bloomberg announced in a press release Saturday morning.

Police were sent out immediately to stop all dogs being walked down the street, to check for their licenses and pedigrees. However, not a single wolf was found, and there has been some suspicion that Mayor Bloomberg’s warning about wolves came too quickly, without enough evidence. Officials from the US Fish and Wildlife Service issued a statement in the afternoon stating that Bloomberg’s claims about wild wolves roaming Manhattan were “not credible”.

New York City residents went about their daily business as usual, albeit with some confusion. Some residents were skeptical that Mayor Bloomberg’s announcement that radical wolves were attempting to establish an empire stretching all the way from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to the southern tip of Argentina. One resident of Soho speculated, “Maybe the Mayor saw a big rat.”

At a press conference late yesterday, one reporter asked whether the purported wolves might merely be large coyotes. In frustration, Bloomberg cried, “Wolf!”