Oh, Alan. Oh, Alan. Mr. Greenspan, you left us today, and don’t tell me I couldn’t tell the difference. When I woke up, the bags under my eyes sagged just a little more. My orange juice at breakfast leaned just a shade more toward yellow. My wife kissed me on the cheek, not the lips, before she went to work. I called out to her, “Have a great day, honey!” as she walked out the door. I tried to make it sound like I meant it. I failed. My wife didn’t even turn around. She just muttered, “I’ll try, maybe,” with her shoulders hunched. I used to love it when her shoulders hunched. It used to turn me on, when you were in charge of the Fed. But now, now? Oh, Alan, I didn’t even get half a stiffie. Not even a tingle.
Oh, Alan, you know we all need you. Even my dog needs you. My dog won’t get up to go outside; all morning, she’s just been lying curled up on the rug, softly wimpering. A dark stain of urine is slowly spreading from her haunches, but she doesn’t even notice any more. She just rolls her eyes slowly in unexuberant circles, letting them fix briefly on the back of her skull from time to time.
Come back, Mr. Greenspan, won’t you? I promise to save more money, and put it in a nice bond and everything, not that trashy hedge fund I’ve been seeing lately. I promise to increase my productivity. I can skip lunch; I don’t need that peanut butter Kudos, really I don’t. If I cancel that trip to Ireland, will you come back? If I say “tax cut” five times and clap my hands really loud, will you come back? I do believe in supply side economics. I do! I do!
My neighbors tell me to get a grip. They never liked you. They called it a cult of personality. They called you irrelevant. They said you didn’t matter anyway! But what do they know? They’re laughing now, Alan, but they don’t know, they don’t know! They never knew the real you, they never found that special place deep inside where you touched all those who truly believed.
You don’t have to respond right away, Mr. Greenspan. Just think about it. Maybe a vacation will change your mind. You can call me, though, if you want to talk about it. I have a brochure called “Coming Out Of Retirement And You” that maybe you’d like to look at. No, really, just take it, maybe you’ll want to read it later, just in case, you think? No? Well, think about it anyway, really.
Oh, Alan. It’s just not the same without you. Fill that hole in my heart, my life, my soul. Come back, Alan. Come back.
