I have a modest proposal for the Catholic Church as it combats dwindling attendance and a growing feeling of skepticism. It’s time to change the host.
No, I don’t mean that Mass should be held at Aunt Martha’s instead of in the pews. I mean the Host. You know, the body of Christ.
Look, I don’t mean to be harsh, but have you sampled the Host lately? It’s some crackerbread thingamabob that frankly has no taste. Bland. Boring. Dry. I mean, it’s a good thing they offer a drink of blood to go with the whole thing, or the laity would be puckering through the rest of the service. It’s not an appealing taste, and it just screams: Jesus was a Pasty, Dry Bland Cracker!
So why not institute a change? Why not let the host be … pepperoni?
It’s round and thin. Fits in the mouth. Savory and spicy. Goes well with red wine. Complicated flavors mirror the complicated Trinity theology. Everybody wants to come back for more of it as soon as possible.
And let’s be honest: it’s a little bit more of a realistic representation of the flesh, isn’t it.
Pepperoni Host. Think about it.
Update: This will not be possible. Unfortunately, a reputable source tells me: “The Catholic Church states that the host must contain some Gluten for it to be the valid body of Christ.” I am not making this up. My source is upset about it, too, writing, “It is not my understanding that Christ asked his disciples to remember him through wheat bread.” Tell it, sister!
Wait a minute—aren’t some people allergice to gluten?
I guess that means they aren’t among the chosen…
I know, I know, that’s Calvinist and not Catholic. But it just begged to be said.