In their day to day work, cryptozoologists stomp around the back woods looking for traces of creatures like Bigfoot or the Beast of Bodwin Moor. But, in the heart of every cryptozoologist, there is just one quarry worth finding: Jesus.
“He’s been sighted here and there, in ecosystems all over the globe, for centuries now,” explains Dr. Itzakh Joach, a theological pathologist who moonlights as a professor of cyptozoological philosophy at East Halibut Point Community College in Rhode Island. “We have some casts of Jesus’s footprints in the sand, some hair of Jesus left behind at the scene of a sighting at a bowling alley in Atlantic City, and some scat found on a trail in backwoods Oregon that we believe comes from Jesus as well. But, definitive proof that Jesus lives has been lacking.”
Yes, definitive proof that Jesus has returned to Earth has been lacking… until now. In a surprising development for Christian believers everywhere, this photograph of the hand of Jesus has surfaced at a photomart in Oklahoma City.
Bible scientists have confirmed that this photograph is in fact a picture of the hand of Jesus. Through their meticulous scholarship, they have noted that a slight mark has been left from the crucifixion on the back of the hand, healed with a scar exactly as would be expected for a divine being in human form over two thousand years old (See Arrow A). Also, there is some wear on the kuckles of the hand that are consistent with rolling a big stone away from the mouth of a cave (See Arrow B). Finally, through a thoroughly scientific analysis of the highest standards, it has been determined that the pigmentation of the hand is precisely what we would expect to see on the hand of a Jewish carpenter who has been ascended to heaven for an extended period of time.
Then there is the eyewitness testimony of Claude A. Soyle, the art student who photographed the hand. Soyle has testified, with his hand placed on the Holy Bible, that, “I was developing some pictures of garbage mosaics another student had prepared, when all of a sudden there was this blinding light coming from behind me. I was mad at first, because all my photographs were ruined by the excessive exposure, but then I saw that Jesus had walked into the darkroom. He said, ‘I, Jesus Christ, the savior of men, have returned to Earth to fulfill the prophecies of the Bible. You have been a photographer of men. Now follow me, and you can become a photographer of me.’ He was standing there smiling for a portrait, but I was so nervous that I took this picture of his hand instead. Then, I ran out of film, and Jesus disappeared.”
Some skeptics have said that they won’t believe that this photograph is really the hand of Jesus until a live Jesus is caught and brought to a zoo for examination, or shot by hunters, with a fresh corpse to examine. Nonetheless, the majority of believers have dismissed such skepticism as closed minded.
A few pentacostal Christians, however, are dismayed by the theological implications of this photograph. They have noted that Jesus appears to be wearing a wedding ring, and have concluded that Dan Brown’s account of the marriage of Jesus to Mary Magdalene, given in The DaVinci Code is probably correct. “This changes everything,” explained a worried Reverend Buckstohr, of the Seventeenth Baptist Church in Milwaukee. “We Christians need to start asking ourselves some pretty deep questions now. For example, is the Harry Potter book series also historically accurate, and if so, should Platform 9 3/4 be opened to the faithful, muggle and wizard alike?”
…. wow
I AM JESUS!!! HOW DARE YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT I WANTED YALL TO TAKE A PICTURE OF ME!!! I WILL KILL YOU!!! I AM A VIOLENT GOD WHO DOESNT FORGET THINGS!!!
Test of god says who are you i don’t know you i have a word to say you and answer me ok. Are you Jesus christ so tel me what you was say me on 11 Dec 1993 in the hospital answer me pleas because my jesus know me and i know him. Parampita yeshua
I AM JESUS!!! HOW DARE YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT I WANTED YALL TO TAKE A PICTURE OF ME!!! I WILL KILL YOU!!! I AM A VIOLENT GOD WHO DOESNT FORGET THINGS!!!
when ever jesus comes back, if you know as your persanal savior , we will all imediatley acend, like the blink, of an eye in to heaven. You would know this if you read your bible. Friends whoever you are, i am praying for you to relize that you shouldnt always beilieve everything you see. Jesus said that many false prophets would come before him. Do not let Saitan decieve you. I love you all through jesus.
I agree, but this is a joke…. And please learn to spell
lol your comment made me laugh. I agree that persons spelling was atrocious
pers anal
And another question, since when is jesus maried?
Silly, it’s an engagement ring. Jesus is engaged to humanity until the second coming, when he consummates the relationship at long last. You know, Kingdom Come.
Uh, I sorta take my theology from hymnals, but I seem to recall that the church is supposed to be the bride of Jesus. Like this one from Samuel Stone (1839-1900) “The church’s one foundation is Jesus Christ her lord, she is his new creation by water and the word. From heaven he came and got her to be his holy bride. With his own blood he bought her and for her life he died….Mid toil and tribulation, and tumult of her war, she waits the consummation of peace forevermore; till with the vision glorious, her longing eyes are blest, and the great church victorious shall be the church at rest.” Sort of a bride of Frankenstein theme, but I rather like it better than that anti-climactic taken-up, flying through the air stuff, especially the relaxation part at the end. It does put a new meaning on the phrase “passion of Christ”.
No, no, no, you’ve got it ALL wrong. The church is the Best Maid of Jesus. The apothecary is the Best Man, and the water parks are the Ring Girl.
Actually, you’ve both got it wrong. King James got the translations wrong. The original Chinese declares quite clearly that the church is the mistress of Jesus. There never was a marriage. They’re living in sin.
Ok jesus’s bride is the church. However this dude is not jesus because i am a christain and if he was jesus i would be in heaven not talking to you all.
Unless you’re not really saved. Did you really accept Jesus into your heart, or did he get stuck down your esophagus?
Maybe he is Jesus, and you’re not really a Christian.
I have a personal relationship with jesus. He is my savior and I pray that he will be yours too. God loves you!!!
Hey “A Friend”, six is the devil’s number, right?
Whatever happened to good old ‘Find a scientifically plausible explanation for that’?
And this is why I hate 25% of Christians. They’re intolerant and ignorant.
I am a christian and might i say that im far from ignorant nor intolorant. Im not perfect and thats ok. But for you to judge is ignorant of your self. Do you even know what that means? I will pray for you. This guy on here proclaiming t be Jesus is a fake. The one and only has not come back yet and when he does I will be with him. Ans I pray you will be there to. I pray that you accept him and learn that there are false prophets out there and thats who you are following…………………
I’m guessing you fit in that 25%?
Ok look at it this way. Scientificly there is no way I can prove God is real, right? Right. But can you prove that God is not real? THat is point it is about believing and having a relationship with him. He loves you whether you believe in him or not.
uhhhhhhh……..ummmmmmm. not sayin it fake, and g and j man r reel… but its kinda hard to tell if thats reely a crusifiction scar, people be honest
If six is the devil’s #, how many letters are in the word “Christ” Gospel? Spirit? Church?
Damn, people, how blatant do the clues have to be?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????!!?!?!?
um, salvation is not based upon numbers. just because the mark of the antichrist in the end times happens to be 666 doesn’t mean that 6 is satans number. you guys really need to read you’re bible and start doing something about the fact that most of the world hasn’t heard a clear presentation of the gospel. people are dying without Christ and you guys are here getting freaked out by the freckle on the back of some guy’s hand.
No offense, but REALLY? Really, this is just foolish.
I have a scar exactly where that hand does. sometimes I get wear on my knuckles. I’ve accidentally snapped a picture of my hand before. Does that mean I’m jesus? Wow… really people. I like how it says “scientific proof” when there is no scientifix proof what so ever. And why would Jesus be moving a rock with his upper knuckles?
I do not mean to be rude but this is just ridiculous and more likely than not just someone trying to stir everyone up or even get money off of this. It’s horrible, I know. But that’s what it sounds like.
Believing a picture that even I could just as easily re-create an EXACT replica of, that’s just ignorance assuming
“This must be Jesus’s hand!”
Ever heard of liars? Yeah, they are all around you, open your eyes a little.
no offenses F. G. Fitzer, but boyoboy, I think Arienette has got you beat there. The fact that she thought it was serious just might be funnier than your original post.
Similar stuff gets passed around mosques and people totally believe it. I’ve seen photos of groves of trees that spell “Allah”–of course the French guy that owns the trees won’t let anyone on the property to verify it because he is prejudiced against Moslems and is doing it to oppress them. There is also a NASA shot of some galaxy in red that corresponds to some verse in the Koran. I have heard that NASA adds the colors to the photos to make them more interesting since they are only in some radio frequency that doesn’t show colors, but I’m not going to say that in a mosque. They haven’t heard of photoshop.
Isn’t it obvious that this whole article is totally fake? When people mock things they don’t understand, it makes them look dumb, and you people who are not christians, i know that christians seem crazy and like they just believe soemthing and they’re so into it and it’s totally cheesy and just a bunch of weird verses, but if you really understood it, you wouldn’t be judging the people who are so into it like that. But if you have like a negative attitude towards it, you can’t see what christianity and all that is really about.
Also, why are you people so hateful and disrespectful towards these people’s religion? You just sound stupid and ignorant, and if you really knew what christianity is about, i swear you would not talk like that. Like, “Oh, yeah are you sure Jesus is in your heart?? Or is he just in your esophagus?” You are going to look really stupid for saying that someday. ANd this whole article is a joke! Do you seriously think they know “what we would expect to see on the hand of a Jewish carpenter who has been ascended to heaven for an extended period of time.”?
why are you people so hateful and disrespectful towards these people’s religion? You just sound stupid and ignorant, and if you really knew what christianity is about, i swear you would not talk like that. Like, “Oh, yeah are you sure Jesus is in your heart?? Or is he just in your esophagus?” You are going to look really stupid for saying that someday. ANd this whole article is a joke! Do you seriously think they know “what we would expect to see on the hand of a Jewish carpenter who has been ascended to heaven for an extended period of time.”? It’s just making fun of christianity.
This whole article is a joke! Do you seriously think they know “what we would expect to see on the hand of a Jewish carpenter who has been ascended to heaven for an extended period of time.”? It’s just making fun of christianity.
Give me a break
what the fuck is amatter with everyone on this page
Your joking right…… scientific proof my ass, i’ve got a mark like that on the back of my hand does that mean i was crusified and have been brought down from heaven again 2000 years later lol, and the engagement ring hahah come on, i’ve been a devoted christian since i was seven and have grown up in the church and seriously i would love to meet the “theologist’s” who told you that because they have no idea what there on about. if you want some real answers people go to your local church and talk to some of the people there, were all very friendly and we won’t bite, what have you got to loose?
god bless
josh
wow, you need to grow up..You have no right saying thats Jesus hand because you know its not. I feel ashamed to be living with poeple like you who think you can just write anything and get away with it. Jesus saved our lives, and you just making fun of him. Shame on you.
I once sprayed cheese wizz on a cracker and it looked just like Jesus.
Unfortunately I when I went to get a camera, the dog ate it.
Hey wait! dog is god spelled backwards!
Take the beam out of your own fucking eye before you start flinging shit, Chris Baloney.
If you don’t like living with “poeple” like us, why don’t you just get the hell out?
Take your sorry ass to Iran where “poeple” can’t say any damn thing they please about God, so that “poeple” like you don’t have to bear the shame of living in religious freedom like we do here in America.
If you don’t believe in American values, fine. Good riddance. Go ahead and let the door hit you on the ass on the way out to the kind of theocratic shithole I’m sure you’d be much happier in.
You people are ridiculously ignorant. This has to be a joke right? Is candid camera outside of my house????
I’d end with telling you all to go to hell, but I work there and would not want to have to deal with you all day.
im not sure u r jesus and how or do u remember being him in a pass life ?
If you don’t believe in American values, fine. Good riddance. Go ahead and let the door hit you on the ass on the way out to the kind of theocratic shithole I’m sure you’d be much happier in.
America was actually founded on the values of Christianity – take a basic course in American history. Oh, and please spare me the conspiracy theoroies of Egyptian paganism on the money and all that stuff – after attending the communist University of Minnesota built on the false philosophy of “Skepticism” SEE: Arrogant disbelief, I’ve learned how to shrug the chronic doubt of this generation off of me like water off a duck’s back. The God of Israel (not Palestine) originally set America apart, anointed as a land of His. We’ve turned from that though (sadly) and now our country is in some of the worst shape in it’s history. If you don’t like the fact that we won’t put up with keeping Our Lord out of the public square, schools, business, etc. and that we don’t buy “secular humanism” and “socialist utopianism” AKA Pres. Barack Obama’s doctrine, then you should go live in China or some other equally as free country to bask in the atheism.
“Take the beam out of your own fucking eye before you start flinging shit, Chris Baloney.
Notice how he never once used such hate-filled, judgmental language such as yourself? He’s trying to love you in truth. You’re trying to hate him for it.
PO’d Atheist
October 7th, 2008 at 5:55 pm · Reply
“You people are ridiculously ignorant. This has to be a joke right? Is candid camera outside of my house????
I’d end with telling you all to go to hell, but I work there and would not want to have to deal with you all day.”
I’d rather be “ignorant” than damned. Too me, the stupidest (most foolish) thing to do would be to put all of my hope and trust in my SELF (weak and a hopeless failure) and this WORLD for my life – a world ridden with hated, wars, violence, hunger, lack, abuse, etc. Why would anyone ever want to live in this state forever? No thanks – I’ll follow like a sheep and keep my lack of “intellectual sophistication.” I hope eventually you do the same as well. I’m going to try and pray a special prayer for all “atheists” (such as a childhood friend of mine) and “agnostics” (such as my brother). God Save Us.
Felicity, Jesus was not an American.
“I’d end with telling you all to go to hell, but I work there and would not want to have to deal with you all day.”
Amen – couldn’t have said it better myself. Just remember, Satan is a defeated power (already) and eventually will be pushed down for eternity. Don’t side with someone who has already lost – that’s ingnorant. GOD LOVES YOU and desires you to be with him. Please stop doubting and hating.
Wow, you picked an old article to flame.
You don’t need to defend what doesn’t NEED defending…. remember, pearls before…..
Oh, My, Gosh.
The article was not meant to be taken seriously. Period. Was it making fun of Christianity? I don’t think so. I think it was making fun of stupid people that believe anything they are told. And obviously, there are quite a few of them out there (and reading this).
Do you people subscribe to the Weekly World News and believe what you read? What about the Onion? Some people are ready to jump on their soap box and cram their bible down your throat any chance they get. If it offends, simply go to another web site. Does it really matter what someone you will never meet says in a post on some website you don’t own?
I’m not an atheist, but some of you people sure make me want to become one. Oh, BTW, I have a question or two for ya. If Satan repented, would God take him back? If God is omniscient, and therefore knows everything, then doesn’t he know every choice I am ever going to make before I do? Doesn’t that remove any pretense of free will? Why is it that pygmies in darkest Africa are damned to Hell because they have not given their soul to Christ, when they have never even heard of him? How can any one religion be right if it says all others are wrong? Why is it wrong to wear thigh-high black socks with shorts and flip-flops? Can a 50 year old wheat cracker really give you herpes? Did that man attempting to bicycle around the world really drown?
If you really want to answer this post, ask yourself “why?”. Will I ever read your response? Probably not. Will it persuade someone to drop their evil ways, repent their sins and become a priest? Probably not. Will it convince AIG to take back the bonuses it gave to the people that screwed everything up? Probably not. Will it convince me that George W. is not the anti-christ? Probably not. Will it show you have no sense of humor, are inflexible and unforgiving, do not adhere to the Christian belief of turn the other cheek, and are one of the annoying Christians that try to tell everyone how to live their lives in a very loud voice while theirs slowly crumbles? Probably so.
omg i almost beleived this but then i realized something!! I MIGHT BE WRONG BUT I DONT THINK IT IS BECAUSE JESUS LIVED IN A VERY WARM PLACE! WHY ISN’T HE TAN? lol im probably wrong but watever…
mellow out kids, even GOD has a sense of humor , hes probably laughing at us all right now
Fucking best thing I’ve randomly run across in in a long time. You people are fucking nuts!
the scar in the palm wouldnt prove anything. anyone who actually studied the crucifixion of Christ would find that in Roman crucifixion, the nail would be hammered in the wrist, between the radius and the ulna; if the nail were placed in the hand, it would have torn through. anyways, it was a good laugh, especially the scat part. XD
Since when is Jesus Married?!
Well, I experience Jesus everyday. I do not need proof!
The love, confort, strenght and power I receive everyday (in grace) is more than enough!
So, first off, this is apostate at it’s very origin. Blasphemous. I understand making a joke. I make good-hearted jokes all the time. This is flagrantly wrong. I, personally, am a Christian. I love all the brothers and sisters standing up for what they believe in, but none of you are helping the cause with misspellings and vehemently denying that this is Christ. Of course it’s not Christ. The nail would be through the wrist. That much is true. In response to the question from probably about two years ago, “is [this article] making fun of Christianity?” Yes. Resoundingly, yes. It’s not making fun of narrowmindedness. If it were that, the author would make the joke against the church. This author obviously goes after Christ Himself. I can’t believe anybody on here thinks that this post was ever legitimately believed. Christians who do believe, unless you feel the Spirit leading you to do so, do NOT respond, because some of you have made us look bad. I’m sorry, but nobody with a thinking brain believes this is real. It’s a joke to them. That said, I personally don’t understand atheistic points of view fighting against a God in which they don’t believe. It’s laughable to me that you fight so hard against the existence of God, and then have the audacity to call theists “narrowminded.” I think it’s high time atheists are met with a logical thinking Christian. Yes, I believe in God. I also have an IQ of 175. Now, to end my rant,(since I noticed the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote at the bottom) I believe I will quote Ralph Waldo Emerson as well. “All I’ve seen has taught me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”
Anthony, I am shocked at you! How dare you, sir? How dare you deny the hand of Jesus! How dare you commit this blasphemous apostasy?
Are you not aware that what you have done, by denying Jesus with a paragraph of extreme length, is flagrantly wrong?
The Creator has reached out his hand and revealed himself to you, and you have slapped it away so that you and your 3-martini friends can continue your sinful ways. Shame, I say! Shame!
If you think atheists are fighting against a god we don’t believe in, well at least you’re ahead of those who think we’re actively worshiping the satan character.
So funny FGF. Would it be more appropriate for Anthony’s post to be divided into numbered verses of no more than 2 sentences to avoid the blasphemous paragraph of extreme length format?
I think that would be a start, Hendrix. But, if Anthony truly wants to avoid blasphemy, he needs to start more sentences with the word “and” – and he needs to capitalize more impersonal pronouns.
hahahahaha wow who actually believes this? for all i know…that could be my hand…lol what a nice laugh though….when Jesus comes…and he will….trust me…we would all be pretty sure of it
the fact that jesus was not nailed through the hand as it was previously believed as the hand would just rip, but infact nailed through the wrist.
the fact that the bible depicts he was nailed in the hand but scientists have proven that wrong.
ever heard of photoshop?
i believe that jesus will return, infact quite soon but this photo is far from the truth.
your sincerly….
The fact that is is fake