 | Raising a-theist Babies and Love Mail from a Concerned Mom |
A few years back, jclifford wrote about becoming a parent and the ramifications of religious expectations for “moral parenting:”
Defining myself as an atheist also actually ends up giving more power to religious social institutions. For example, when my wife and I learned that we were going to become parents, we had many tense discussions about the moral education of our child-to-be. My wife is a Unitarian and believes in certain supernatural forces and in a relatively abstract version of God. Her initial position was that our son should be raised as a Unitarian. When I explained to her that I wanted our son to be allowed to make his own decisions, she seemed concerned. “He has to have something to start with,” she argued. “I don’t want our children raised with nothing!” It disturbed me that my wife equated my atheism as a simple absence of religion and religious principles. I believed that, in spite of my rejection of religion, I had a great deal to teach our son about how to live.
It took me a few weeks to realize that by defining myself solely according to what I was not, I had created the impression that I was merely lacking in religious beliefs. My wife had innocently assumed that because I was an atheist, I had no system of ideas about the proper way to live to pass on to our son. Once I explained to her that my atheism did not prevent me from having ideas about philosophy and ethics, she understood and agreed that we could be equal partners in the ethical (or as she puts it, “spiritual”) upbringing of our son.
In response to this article, a “concerned mom” writes in with the following:
If there is a hell you will be comdeming this child like smoking in a car with a baby. I do like the way you write.
Now, see, she’s been raised right — when you criticize, always have something nice to say, too! But what do you think about her position? What about jclifford’s position? Is it responsible to raise a kid without imposing a particular theism?
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My husband and I were raised Catholic. We both attended Catholic schools from kindergarten through 12th grade, attending Mass on Sundays and all holy days. We left the church as soon as we left home, because of what we considered the hypocrisy of organized religion in general, but in Catholicism in particular. When we had our son 17 years ago, our families got right up in our faces about the fact that we weren’t going to baptize him or raise him Catholic. We still hear about it from time to time from the older members of our family. We raised him so that he knew right from wrong, and taught him that asking questions was a good thing, not something to be discouraged. He is a very polite and well behaved young man, ready to head off to college soon. We know that we did a good job raising him, and we don’t worry about his ability to make good decisions on his own. He’s proved to us over the years that he can. He’s going to be a responsible and productive member of society, with a firm grasp on reality, and a good head on his shoulders. It doesn’t take religion to teach a child ethics - it just takes parents that are willing to take the time to teach them.
Comment by Carla — 5/5/2006 @ 1:34 pm
“Is it responsible to raise a kid without imposing a particular theism?”
-Kids have a way of choosing their own faith despite what parents try to impose on them. If you don’t give them any religious background, they may choose something even more unacceptible to you. My next door neighbors did not believe in going to church, and their daughter became a Mormon. The parents were not allowed at the wedding. After that, they started bringing their son to church.
The real tragedy is when only one parent is allowed to give the child spiritual values, and the child does not learn about respect, partnership, and valuing each other in a marriage.
“My wife is a Unitarian”
-Do you know what Unitarians burn on your front lawn when they’re mad at you?
-A question mark.
Comment by Alan — 5/5/2006 @ 8:55 pm
So Alan,
Kind of sounds like the inoculation theory of religion in child rearing: Expose them to an attenuated form like Unitarianism or Episcopalianism at a young age, and they won’t catch a more virulent strain like Mormonism or Jehovah’s Witnessism later on.
Comment by Greg — 5/6/2006 @ 5:17 pm
I suggest you read - “The End of Faith” - Sam Harris 2004
Comment by Jim W — 5/6/2006 @ 8:16 pm
Jim W.,
I’ve heard from others that his book oversimplifies the issues and uses strong words like “all” too much. What was your take on the book?
Comment by Jim — 5/6/2006 @ 8:36 pm
Greg,
LOL, I’ve never thought of my Episcopalian tradition as being attentuated or ‘less virulent.’ That’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about religion on these pages. Now that you mention it, we don’t seem to produce our fair share of shoe bombers.
People who are raised without being introduced to a belief system sometimes feel something missing in their lives. I have seen people like this go back and become ‘true believers’ in the religion of one of their parents.
I have also had friends struggling with the effects of a spouse’s drinking problem get their children away from the spouse and into church only to have a priest lay a heavy you-are-an-evil-sinner trip on children who already have serious self-esteem issues. What do you do when you see religion playing a negative effect on your children’s emotional well-being or when church is not a psychologically safe place?
Comment by Alan — 5/7/2006 @ 8:49 pm
I added your lens to my lensroll… we discuss about the same topics. MY LENS
Comment by Arend-Jan — 6/11/2006 @ 9:05 am
I’m not quite sure where I fit in regarding the posts mentioned above because I was not raised in the “church”, even though as a child I lived 7 houses down the street from one. I was 8 years old when I attended my first church service. I will never forget my heart’s burning desire to seek out and learn what Jesus was all about. The day I went to church was the day I lost my innocence. I had to suck my father’s penis in order to go. However, I’ll never forget how good it felt to be in that church, sitting in the very last pew, all alone with my little sister listening the the preacher. I was too young to understand what he was talking about but I do remember how safe I felt and how good it was to hear what he had to say.
Comment by Deanna — 2/2/2007 @ 1:39 am
I was raised without a religion. My mom was raised Catholic and now does not believe in organized religion and I feel that I am a responsible and productive member of society. Ethics and morals do not have to follow religion they can stand on their own. If i have children they will be raised to be tolerant and open minded and I hope that if they do choose to follow a religion that i will be accepting of that even though it is my choice to be an atheist.
Comment by Carrie — 10/17/2007 @ 3:46 pm
similarly here, Carrie. I was raised by ex-catholics, and didn’t know any of them even believed there was a higher power until i was at least 12, probably 16. higher power optional; greater good considered sufficient.
Comment by Vynce — 10/17/2007 @ 6:02 pm