Pat Robertson Mishears God, Predicts Storms To Hit United States

Pat Robertson is using the 700 Club, also known as the God News Network, to report the latest warning from the Almighty. Robertson says that God has told him that a bunch of big storms will hit the United States in 2006… just like last year.

“If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms,” Robertson said.

Well, as it turns out, I was having a conversation with God out on my front porch last night. God told me that Pat Robertson needs to get his hearing checked. Robertson did not hear the Lord right at all. The message that God wanted Robertson to hear was that in 2006, American coats will be licked by storks.

God told me that, because of increasing desertification affecting plant growth in northern Africa, storks migrating up to Europe to breed on rooftops this year have a serious iron deficiency. They will seek to compensate for this deficiency by licking leather jackets that have iron folate residue left over from a particular tanning process that is used only by American manufacturers.

Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask God himself? He’ll be over at my house for dinner tonight for dinner at about 7:00, Eastern Time.

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181 Responses to Pat Robertson Mishears God, Predicts Storms To Hit United States

  1. Alan says:

    If you see an African-American prisoner and you say all blacks are criminals, you are being prejudiced.

    If you see Moslems burning embassies and you say all Moslems are violent, you are being prejudiced.

    If you see Pat Robertson doing whatever it is he does, and you say all Chritians are murderous and genocidal, are you being a free-thinker?

  2. Jim says:

    The only person to use the phrase “all Christians” in this thread is you. OK, and now me, but you know what I mean.

    To paraphrase botchedhuman, it is an indisputable truth that in the name of Christianity large numbers of unspeakable acts of murder and genocide have been committed upon the human race. That statement is not even close to equivalent to “all Christians are murderous and genocidal.” You’re projecting.

  3. Alan says:

    “X-tianity is just a tool to scare people into doing what the ruling government wants them to do!”

    Sounds to me like a generalization.

    I always thought it was “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.”

  4. Alan says:

    “it is an indisputable truth that in the name of Christianity large numbers of unspeakable acts of murder and genocide have been committed upon the human race.”

    Name three.

  5. Patricia says:

    I’ll name three, Alan:

    1. The Crusades
    2. Slavery in the United States
    3. The inquisitions of the medieval period

    Easy as pie. All in the name of Christianity.

  6. Jim says:

    4. Extermination of the Cathars
    5. Elimination of practitioners of native European religions
    6. Salem Witch Trials

    Want more?

  7. Alan says:

    Patricia, I’ll go along with #3. I would argue #1 to be part of expansionist Islamic movement, Turkish and eastern European children kidnapped to fight as janissaries, etc. #2 economic system

    Jim, #4 and 6 okay, but #5 I don’t know if you could establish this historically, for example in Scandinavian countries there was a ‘period of dual faiths’ and conversion was gradual. You forgot the Albigensians in France, but of course the inquisitions were Christian vs. Christian and it was really about land grabbing–if someone was killed who got their land. The whole inquisition thing was based on the Cathari/Manichean/Albigensian heresy–there were no witches–and Salem was just a late American extention of the same thing, so you could say 3,4,6 are the same thing.

  8. P. Isenberg says:

    Faith by definition is not logical. Hebrews 11:1 tells us faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. Yet there *are* rules to the game, defined by the Bible. John the Baptist, for example, knew the rules and wanted to know if Jesus was the One he was waiting for. Jesus sent John’s disciples back to him with the message that the follwing signs were given. “The blind receive sight, the lame walk, lepers are cured, the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up.” Mt 11:5 for those who want to check this. The apostles also received the power to duplicate these signs. They healed the sick, raised the dead, restored sight to the blind, and made the lame to walk. Anyone who claims to speak for God must be prepared (and annointed with the power) to prove it. Preachers, Popes, or anyone else who wish to claim to be God’s prophets must demonstrate the so-called *sign gifts*. Otherwise, they leave themselves open to ridicule. In the Bible, true prophets *always* received power to prove it. Moses for example, parted the Red Sea, brought down the plagues, etc. Isaiah was able to do miracles. The apostles in the New Testament walked on water, healed the sick, made the blind see, cured the lame, spoke in languages they had not studied, and performed many other miracles, publicly and well-attested. When the Pope or Pat Robertson begin making the blind see and the lame walk, and raising the dead or walking on water, then we as Christians should heed their words of prophecy. Until then, they must be regarded with suspicion, just as Jesus and the apostles were held in suspicion until they performed miracles in public. There is unfortunately no other way to properly discern a prophet of God. I’m sorry for those whom my words offend, but I encourage you to read your Bibles and see if this is the truth.

  9. Jim says:

    Also read The Mouse and the Motorcycle. It has a lot of tips for daily living and divine revelation, too.

  10. Alan says:

    Jim is being funny–M&M is for ages 9-12.

    P.I.,

    It occurrs to me that the ‘signs’ are internal to the Bible. That is, the Bible itself says what sign proves it is true. The Koran says that having a book proves it is true. So the Koran is a book, and the Jews and Christians also have their ‘book.’ So jews and Christians are accepted as true religions–”people of the book”–that are precursors to Islam. So what proves a message is true–is it having it written in a book or is it performing miracles? Is there anything outside the religious traditions that says how you can know what to believe?

    Also are you familiar with a grassroots religious movement that denies any miracles? No virgin birth, no resurrection, etc.? There are several authors that write along this theme and they regard themselves as Christian. The point of Christianity, then, is not life after death, because there isn’t any, but rather it is the journey, a way of living.

  11. P. Isenberg says:

    In reply to Alan: My comments were aimed at those who believe in the Pope, Pat Robertson, and others who “prophesy” without offering the biblical “signs”. I made no effort to “prove” that the Bible is true, nor the Koran either, for that matter. I merely pointed out that neither the Pope nor Pat Robertson have offered the “signs” of being true prophets, as outlined in the book they claim to believe. The word “Christian” simply means a follower of Christ. The word itself doen’t imply anything more than an attempt to live by Christ’s teachings. Jesus never asked his followers to murder anyone. The Church took the Crusades, Inquisition, etc. on themselves, with no command from Christ to do anything of the sort. I would submit that anyone who does persecute, murder, or start wars in Jesus’ name are not Christians. And neither are murderous Muslims followers of Mohammed. People being basically selfish and covetous, do these things in and of themselves, with no command from God, Allah, or any other. It’s convenient to do one’s dirty deeds in the name of God, but it’s not Christian. Christianity is merely a way of life. I was simply pointing out that Pat Robertson’s way of life is not consistent with Christ’s.

  12. Alan says:

    P.I.,
    I would have to agree with you completely –that is certainly my reading of the Bible.

    Jesus never asked his followers to place the ten commandments in courthouses or force their religion into government institutions either. In every case, Jesus taught respect for both the Jewish law and the law of the Roman occupiers.

    Patricia and Jim seem to be implying that if someone in a Christian culture commits genocide and murder, the underlying cause is Christianity and not greed. They might want to go back and reread Eric Hoffer’s classic “The True Believer,” that professors back in the 70′s always talked about but never put on the syllabus. Hoffer says mass movements, whether they are religious, social revolutions, or nationalist movements, have certain qualities in common. Some vintage Hoffer, “Faith in a holy cause is to a considerable extent a substitute for the lost faith in ourselves. The less justified a man is in claiming excellence for his own self, the more ready is he to claim all excellence for his nation, his religion, his race or his holy cause.”

  13. Iroquois Honky says:

    Pat Robertson has been praying with Israeli prime minister Olmert. What do you suppose he prayed for, wisdom? guidance? to know the divine will or the way to peace? Of course not, he prayed for victory in lebanon.

    http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1154525841189&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

    Trying to imagine just what that prayer might have sounded like…maybe something like Mark Twain’s War Prayer?

  14. BOB STEVENSON says:

    i READ THAT NETWORK SOLUTIONS OWNED BY CIA WHO OWNS VERISIGN IS TAKING MUSLIM SITES DOWN BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY ARE TERRORISTS AND THEY AND THE ZIONIST CONTROL NEWS MEDIA OUTLETS WITH THEIR DISINFORMATIOIN SHIT FOR PEOPLE TOO STUPID TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES THEN THEY GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND TORTURE AND KILL PEOPLE WITH APPROVAL OF MR ASSHOLE HIMSELF PRESIDENT ASSHOLE BUSH

  15. jenny says:

    Who are we to say that a man or woman is of God? Maybe we should stop putting other humans on a pedestal. We are all equal and no one is greater than the next person. Don’t loose focus of the true purpose we’re all on earth together. My belief is God is just waiting until we all truly love one another unconditionally as he/she loves us. These are my humble thoughts. Don’t get so caught up in names and hierarchal terms. We’re all one…..

  16. Iroquois Honky says:

    The religious nuts used to say storms were a sign of divine retribution–until Pat Robertson’s right-wing base in Florida got three hurricanes in a row.

    A few days ago Denver got closed down again by a second major snowstorm. Hey, isn’t Denver where Unity08 is based?

  17. Steve says:

    Whatever?!?!

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  20. maritza says:

    hi i am deaf and i try my best typing this email yes i do believe your words that god did warning you about something happen in u.s.a or all over world beacuse i read bible about noah ark that true story that what god told him make a wood ark before rain flood . now god told you about storms we must listen to god before too late beacuse god love them very much also i feel funny this earth seem alot of trouble weather and also i want all solider go home no mor war like gun and bomb hit too much that hurt mother earth that cause earth become weak !!! please pray and listen to god

  21. netbust says:

    This site [ http://www.Heiniesmear.com ] (Administrative note: PLEASE, don’t expect us to leave your spam email for the latest Nostradamus wannabe intact) is the only site-of-its-kind in the world which identifies Antichrist, final forthcoming events and prophecies. Hundreds of Headline News and photos overwhelmingly confirm all evangelicals are blathering idiots. Sobering.

    final forthcoming?

  22. sassinfras says:

    god told me last night that he is angry with the left wing nutters and will rise the worlds temp. as punishment to the non believers. and to reward the believers god will bestow lots of coal and gasoline, so they can prosper.

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  28. Lisa says:

    God doesnt have to lift His finger. Mankind casts our own judgment upon ourselves.
    We are the cause of the Gulf Oil Disaster– not God. We will be the ones to dig our own Graves and ultimately destroy God’s Creation- not God.

    May He have mercy on Mother Earth before mankind destroys it completely. May He return.

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