Comments at Cursing of Woodward Park Middle School

The following are remarks I made to the wind at 2:00 pm today at Woodward Park Middle School:

Last Sunday, members of four local churches gathered here at Woodward Park Middle School to sing, make religious speeches, and bless the school and each “student, teacher, staff, and administrator” who steps into the building. The churches asserted that they had a right to have their blessing ceremony on school grounds in part because they regularly donate school supplies to the public school. The ceremony had been planned to take place indoors until word got out and the principal of this public school, making heated denials, moved it outside.

Is this, as the American Civil Liberties Union asserts, a violation of the separation of church and state that is mandated by our United States Constitution? It might have been, if the churches had obtained approval to enter the school building, use school resources and speak under school approval for the ceremony. That would have been a school endorsement of a Christian blessing, which is clearly unconstitutional. Similarly, if the members of the churches had slapped “I love Jesus” stickers on students’ backs as they entered the school, then they would have engaged in a material imposition. Neither occurred. Students were not forced to make their own endorsements of Christianity, the principal of the school disavowed involvement, and as Columbus Public Schools spokesman Greg Viebranz states district policy, “anyone can walk onto the school grounds during the weekend” to perform religious ceremonies on school property. The churches’ independent ceremony, and any weekend outdoors religious ceremony, is wholly legal and constitutional, if one assumes that the ceremony had no material effect upon the students, teachers, staff and administrators to whom it was addressed.

That last condition is very interesting to me. Consider that if Christianity were real in its existence and if Christian prayer were real in its impact, if those blessing the school last week really could manage to impact students, staff, teachers, and administrators in the school by slapping their hands together, closing their eyes and singing the right songs, then their actions not only would be material, then those praying would be forcing their religion on every member of the school, affecting the lives of each student, each teacher, each staff member and each administrator without their permission on a religious basis. If Christian prayer has an effect, then last week’s ceremony would not only be unconstitutional, but would also probably constitute some form of harassment or assault under local, state and federal law.

Members of the churches involved in last week’s blessing asserted that their actions were not unconstitutional and were not illegal, at least in part because nobody was affected, nobody was hurt, and no one was imposed upon by their actions. It appears that either the members of these churches are lying – not a Christian thing to do – when they say their religious ceremony has no effect, or they do not really believe that their Christian religion is real. Which is it, I wonder?

I take seriously Columbus Public Schools spokesman Greg Viebranz’s statement of district policy that “anyone can walk onto the school grounds during the weekend” to perform religious ceremonies on school property. I also take seriously the Constitution of the United States, which grants equal treatment under law and which prohibits government institutions including courts, legislatures and public schools from using their power to promote any religious belief or activity. That is why I am here today to dedicate Woodward Park Middle School public school and “each student, teacher, staff and administrator” to the Great Satan and his diabolical underling Cthulhu.

There, I’ve said it, and therefore I’ve done it. If anyone expects anything more, they will come away disappointed, because I don’t believe in the divinity of Satan or Cthulhu any more or less than I believe in the divinity of Jesus. Today’s ceremony is meant as a test, with as I see it three possible outcomes. If the first possibility comes to pass, not a soul shows up to witness the ceremony. This is what I hope for: a demonstration that when it comes to religious expression of offbeat and even offensive religion, the people of the state of Ohio will show an overwhelming, thoroughly tolerant indifference: “sure, whatever, you do your little thing, and the rest of us will move on…”. Second, it’s possible that some real Satanists or self-stylized followers of the openly fictional Cthulhu will come with participation in some real ceremony in their minds. These people will, I’m afraid, be disappointed, as my tongue is firmly implanted in my cheek. I cannot stop such people from carrying out their own ceremony, however, and as soon as I am done they are welcomed – not only by me, but by Columbus Public Schools – to carry out their own ceremony. Third and finally, it’s possible that I will be met by Christians who have come to oppose my attempt to dedicate this public school to deities that don’t meet their approval. This outcome would represent a failure of our community to embrace in actuality the religious freedom it embraces in mere words. Such an outcome would show that there are some people in our community for whom religious freedom is a sham, and whose real interest is to use the instruments of government to shove their own parochial religion down other citizens’ throats.

The third possibility, it turns out, is completely hypothetical. It’s the scheduled time, and not a soul besides me is here. Columbus offers a sigh of complete indifference, and passes the test with flying colors.

Five minutes after I finished with my little ceremony, which consisted of nothing but these words, a middle-aged guy walked from the street in my direction and sat down on a nearby bench. After a minute of both of us being quiet and watching a flock of birds, I said hello, he asked how long I’d had the Prius in the parking lot, and he told me about his ideas on the environment and building green schools. Then I said a polite “so long” and drove home, ending a perfectly, blessedly uneventful event.