This afternoon, I briefly acknowledged that we who write for Irregular Times have been accepting payments from a candidate for the presidency in 2008. It’s time to let you, the reader, know what brought us to this point.
Late in the months of 2006, we were approached by a candidate for the presidency of the United States in 2008. He asked us if we would be willing to write in a certain manner about his candidacy. We told him we were flattered by his attention, but could not guarantee anything, since our treatment of him would be contingent upon his behavior. He told us he would be willing to compensate us for our time and expenses. We declined. He said, “payment. I’m talking payment here!” We politely but firmly informed him that we were done with the conversation, and hung up the phone.
Then he sent these to us in the mail:
Nail clippings. Oh, dear.
We could resist payments in cash. We could resist payments in cars, expensive jewelry, golfing jaunts to Scotland and the like. But this candidate had found our weakness. How did he know? We called a staff meeting and after heated debate decided: Yes, we would sell our very souls for payment in nail clippings.
For a while, we hid the truth from you, but we decided that it was best to be above board. We’ve been under boards from time to time and it hurts, especially when we stand up without looking or the boards are moving. Or if the boards haven’t been sanded and we pick them up wrong.
So now it’s time to tell the truth. We have been accepting these much appreciated payments from one of our favorite candidates for the White House in 2008: Mister Thumb. We absolutely, positively guarantee that these payments will not influence the tone, hue, saturation or shading of our 2008 presidential coverage. Our reputations are too important for us to compromise them, even in exchange for gifts of such value.
Unless he leaves some of that good stuff underneath the next batch of clippings. We might be weak there.
If you have the nail clippings, it means you also have the upper hand. You can now easily leverage your candidate with a voodoo doll. The doll must contain something from the body of the person controlled–like nail clippings or hair. Then stick some pins in the doll, just a little, to show them what you can do. After a bit of a stomach ache to prove the doll is working, the candidate will come through with the “good stuff” with very little prodding.
But what do you guys need a candidate for? Or for that matter, a platform, to say nothing of tone, hue, saturation or shading? All Unity08 has is a P.O. box, a website, and a lot of imagination. Is Unity 08 in the red or in the black, and by how much? I rest my case. You guys are in the wrong business.