Eight days ago, in a fit of ethereal projection inspired by the teachings of Jasmuheen, who will be giving a keynote address at the Raw Spirit Festival along with Elizabeth Kucinich, I made the announcement that have the celestial identity of Rampo Stele Skyan, guru of multiple esoteric disciplines, and founder of the mystical pandimensional temple of Photoshoparianism. As Jasmuheen has shown us, it is possible to reach enlightenment merely by adding wispy swishes of aura to one’s photograph, using Photoshop software.
Now, eight days has passed, and as Ezekiel teaches us in the Bible, eight days is the time in which new spiritual evolution occurs. I am now authorized by my spiritual mentors from Earth Prime to share my new reality for you. I am not only a Photoshoparian, but I am the only real Photoshoparian Breatharianarian Speakarian guru to reach material existence on this planet since two million years ago, when golden tablets were laid down in Hill Cumorah advertising a two for one special on love seats.
What does this mean, to be a Photoshoparian Breatharianarian Speakarian? Well, Jasmuheen teaches us that it is not necessary to eat. One need not be a vegetarian, eating only vegetables, she tells us. Jasmuheen teaches that we can be Breatharians, leading healthy lives without eating at all, gaining nourishment only from sunlight and the prana energy that surrounds us all.
Just so, as a Speakarian, I have learned the occult art practiced for many centuries by Estonian Buddhist monks of speaking without needing to use my mouth. Using my inner prana chakra voice, I project outwards my speech in an ordinary audible tone without need of the vocal chords or tongue. I order to prove that this is no mere ventriloquist’s trick, I recite the Gettysburg Address while meditating with my tongue curled.
Of course, people have fallen into the sad habit of believing that they need to use their mouths in order to speak. They have forgotten the wisdom they knew as children, repressed by science and its obsession with facts and reality. So, as adults, the path to rediscover our Speakarian powers is not easy. That is why Breatharianarianism has become necessary.
Make not the mistake, oh uninitiated one, of supposing that a Breatharian is the same as a Breatharianarian. No, the relationship between the two is rather like the relationship between a carrot and a rabbit. A Breatharianarian gains mystical powers by eating Breatharians. All that stored up prana energy contains a great deal of Vitamin G, as well as natural uncytine.
As a matter of fact, if I can just get one or two more Breatharians to volunteer to be eaten, I will soon be able to speak without being heard. I plan on giving a workshop on the 17-step process for attaining this power at the Courtyard Marriot in Hoboken this October, with all lessons delivered through silent telepathy, for those who are ready to receive it. My enlightenment fee will be 132 dollars. Will you come?
Curling your tongue is too common (about 1/3 of the population). I can rotate my tongue, so that it’s vertical instead horizontal. Clearly, I should be founding Breatharianarianarianarianarianarianarianism, and living only on Breatharianarians.
Yeah, but can you type without using your fingers?
Nice pecs. Well worth the $132.
I can turn my tongue upside down. If I can learn to recite the preamble to the constitution while doing this, can I access the sixth dimension, or do I have to eat Breatharians too?
I find Breatharians and their defenders to be somewhat snarky and overly tolerant of coverups–I can’t imagine how eating one would be good for your karma. Perhaps with the mellowing effects of ketchup….
let’sw se…;thiws with m,y njoswe
Thisis withj ny tongue
O ye of little faith, do you not understand the true purity of spirit demonstrated by this miracle of jclifford, er, Skyan, Keeper of the Icons of the Sixth Dimension? How many people can speak using not their mouth, but only their inner prana chakra voice? How many can conduct a totally telepathic workshop?
Indeed, this is in fulfillment of the prophecy of olde that was written on the subway walls and tenement halls: “people talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never shared.”
Hail, Skyan, O Pure One, O Promised One.
Your nipples are so asymmetrical, as to be unnerving. O_o
Hmm, yes, I didn’t see that before. If you look really closely there is also a third nipple. In some circles this is considered to be a sign of occult powers.
Of course, that part could be photoshopped too. Some people will do anything to get $132.
You could charge more than $132 if you had your breasts augmented.
What if I had my tongue pierced?
That would depend on if and how Speakarians kiss, wouldn’t it. I know someone who came back from tropical vacation with a pierced tongue and her husband basically freaked out. The tongue stud went bye-bye.
If you had your nipples pierced, though, your acolytes could sing “Holey, Holey, Holey”. Hee, hee.