I see from an advertisement on Reuters that the History Channel is running a 2-hour special event entitled, The Lost Book of Nostradamus. As the History Channel, they love to telecast speculative ramblings of aspiring prophets.
There can be no better time to announce that I, too, am in possession of a lost book of Nostradamus. In fact, I have two lost books of Nostradamus.
One, entitled How To Pick Up Women, Nostradamus lost while playing miniature golf in Orlando, Florida. Someone asked him what he thought the weather would be like the following Friday, and he lost his concentration. His ball bounced off of one of the blades of a windmill just as it was about to go through the tunnel to the 13th hole. Bending down to place his ball next to the flamingo once more, the book slipped out of Nostradamus’s coat pocket, to lie amongst the plastic tulips until it was discovered by an associate of a book collector I have known since childhood.
The other book, Nostradamus wrote himself. This lost book of Nostradamus has been kept by my family for generations, as we have carefully guarded its secrets. I, the last steward of the book, have agreed to release its contents only because the History Channel’s program presents an incomplete and distorted picture of the truth of Nostradamus.
Among the prophecies in this second lost book of Nostradamus are the following warnings:
“At dawn, a lizard shall emerge from its burrow, and it shall devour for its breakfast two flies, one green, and one blue. For the rest of the day the lizard shall rest in its burrow, digesting its meal, preparing for the night to come.”
“A man shall enter a restaurant and order a dinner for himself, and for a false friend who will never arrive. The name of that false friend shall be Julius, meaning ‘extraordinary gardener’. After two courses of Atlantic salmon, sliced thin with a mild horseradish garnish on the side, the man shall arise, and the nations of the Earth shall not continue as before.”
“A fence shall be painted, yet scuffed soon afterwards by a young boy leading a dog on its leash. No paint shall be placed over that mark, which shall lead to rot in the fence. The boy, afterwards, will grow to become a man.”
“Two horses, in a wild herd, in search of food, will face the snows of winter, and only afterwards eat the bloom of field garlic.”
“A great nation will arise in the East, and soon afterwards, will reconsider, deciding to take a short nap. When the sun is high, it shall rise again, and then trip on its own bathrobe, hitting its head on a door frame. Once again, this mighty people will rise, but then get a call from the office saying that it is fired for being late again.”
