Consider the Health Benefits of Death

I’ve been doing a bit of research, lately, and have realized that mainstream medicine has totally missed the boat on an alternative health technique: Death therapy.

Try to remember the last time you heard about a dead person having to go to see a medical doctor. It almost never happens, and there’s a reason for that. Consider the health benefits of being dead: Death does not cause cancer, heart disease, strokes, Alzheimer’s, genetic maladies, learning disabilities or any other known disease or defect.

Blood pressure and pulse rate have both been found to remain steady during death. Fluctuations of blood sugar levels also stop completely upon achievement of death, suggesting that death may be the long-sought cure for diabetes. What’s more, the dead are able to maintain their state of health without any prescription drugs at all.

In terms of the economics of health care, death makes a great deal of sense. When you’re dead, after all, you don’t need health insurance. It’s a good thing too, given that, when you’re dead, everything is pre-existing condition.

Instead of participating in the National Novel Writing Month social authorship extravaganza this month, I’ll be coming out with a non-fiction title: The Death Diet. I don’t think that any scientist will be able to contest the effectiveness of this age-old approach to weight loss.