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John Hagee. Oh, that John Hagee. Republican presidential candidate John McCain values John Hagee’s perspective on the world so very, very much that he is not only “very proud to have pastor Hagee’s support,” he not only accepted John Hagee’s endorsement, he not only gave John Hagee a big old bear hug, but he actively sought, pursued and courted John Hagee for an endorsement.

What kind of a man is the man John McCain pursued and hugged so vigorously? What kind of a man is John Hagee? The kind who makes this sort of claim about the Wrathful Will of God:

All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are — were recipients of the judgment of God for that. The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing. I know that there are people who demur from that, but I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans.

There are some firm assertions in that statement:

1. The judgment of God is a very real thing
2. When you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment
3. All hurricanes are acts of God

If all hurricanes are acts of God, and if the judgment of God is a very real thing, and considering that hurricanes are events that are punishing to humans, then it’s fair to say that hurricanes are acts of punishment by God. They are the empirical reflection of God’s will — and that means we can empirically determine what God’s will is by looking at the empirical distribution of hurricanes.

The following are the numbers of hurricanes making a direct hit on the Atlantic states from the years 1851-2004:

Texas: 59
Louisiana: 49
Mississippi: 15
Alabama: 22
Florida: 110
Georgia: 20
South Carolina: 31
North Carolina: 46
Virginia: 12
Maryland: 2
Delaware: 2
New Jersey: 2
Pennsylvania: 1
New York: 12
Connecticut: 10
Rhode Island: 9
Massachusetts: 10
New Hampshire: 2
Maine: 6

The following is the percentage of the Atlantic states’ populations that identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual:

Texas: 3.6%
Louisiana: 3.1%
Mississippi: 2.3%
Alabama: 2.8%
Florida: 4.6%
Georgia: 4.3%
South Carolina: 3.8%
North Carolina: 3.4%
Virginia: 4%
Maryland: 4.4%
Delaware: 3.9%
New Jersey: 3.9%
Pennsylvania: 3.5%
New York: 4.2%
Connecticut: 4.5%
Rhode Island: 3.4%
Massachusetts: 5.7%
New Hampshire: 6.6%
Maine: 5.2%

If Hagee is correct that Hurricanes reflect the righteous punishment of God for transgressions against God’s will, and if he is correct that God disapproves of same-sex intercourse, then we ought to see a positive correlation between the percentage of a state’s population identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and the number of Hurricanes hitting a state.

Actually, the correlation between these two variables is negative: -0.15. Expressed in words, this means that the states with a lower percentage of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals are the states that have been hit by hurricanes more often. Remember, “All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens.”

The conclusion is inescapable: God Hates Straight People!

Repent, John Hagee, Repent! Assuming you swing that way.