Some of us, like dear Peregrin, are outraged at the whopping 15 billion dollar bailout that the big Detroit manufacturers of bad cars are getting. I call it whopping because, well, that’s what it does. It whops you. This bailout comes along and whops you right on the side of your head – no use denying it, you know it’s true.
Still, I can’t help but think of the silver lining, of the bright side of the loss of 15 billion dollars that no one believes Detroit will ever be able to pay back: The opportunity for humiliation.
If I were writing the Detroit bailout legislation, I’d add the following conditions for getting that 15 billion dollars:
1. No more putting balloons on the cars in the parking lot.
2. No more commercials on TV.
3. General Motors must change its name to General Morons.
4. Ford Motor Company must change its name to Sorry Ass Motor Company.
5. Chrysler must change its name to Eugene. Just Eugene.
6. All auto industry executives must wear deely boppers 24 hours a day. They will be fitted with electronic tracking equipment, so that if the deely boppers leave their heads for more than 15 minutes, the police are notified.
7. Every car company will be required to submit a monthly report detailing just how sorry it is to have screwed up so badly.
8. Thursday is Mandatory Interpretive Dance Day at every automotive corporate headquarters.
9. Automotive industry lobbyists may only speak to members of Congress or congressional aides while standing in a garbage can, wearing something made out of velour.
10. Michael Moore gets open access
Congress has authority to regulate interstate commerce, so I don’t see why it would be unconstitutional.
